Am I real?

I'm back!!!

I know it's been a while. A long while. I got caught up, and actually didn't really feel like blogging. I always wondered who read the damn thing anyway. I know when I did my old blog, I had a lot of readers, and when I started this one, I could have cared less who read it, or who didn't. The point being that I could put my thoughts out into the cosmic void and I had control on who could comment and who could not. This time I came back because I wanted to, actually to spout things back into that cosmic void and get them off my chest.

I will update you on my life later.......right now I am focusing on am I real, or just a person behind a monitor. I have been reading some rants on Fetlife and wow, talk about out of control! I have been reading rants on Fet for about a week now, well actually longer but the certain things I am reading about right now, makes me wonder about people. I have to wonder why people think they have the right to judge another, or to say this person isn’t that, or that person isn’t that, or perhaps that person isn’t that at all. In the realm of psychology we use terms that people can understand, we use terms that lead to visuals so people can relate or understand. We may say something like wow that is HOT, just so people understand. Yes, I know I am rambling, but I am making a point. I would get up on my soapbox but then people might say I am role playing, cuz I don’t have a soapbox here right in front of me.

I may be talking to my neighbor and say something to the effect of how hot it is going to be tomorrow, and that neighbor is going to know hot means sticky, muggy, humid, or whatever else they deem with that term of HOT. Just as another person could use kajira, slave, sub, subbie, submissive, bottom, pain slut, yadda, yadda, and we all conjure up what WE have in our individual opinions. Personally I hate the term subbie, but I am not going to degrade someone who uses it. Just as I hate to call all capped up people Master, or Mistress, but there are conditions where I must. And then we get to the next part, role play. Do I play a slave online? Am I real or just a figment of your imagination? According to some, I would not be real, because I may be in an online chat room, typing out an action post. Oh my! Are those things I have never done, nope.  Perhaps they are just a description that I have pulled from my experience and I enjoy giving another person a visual, just as I did the neighbor. Perhaps that is how we relate at times, in a world where we have only the written language.

And perhaps it is not any different than belonging to Fet, and coming on here and putting pictures up, showing off what we did the night before in a make-believe dungeon, or in a make believe world. Or maybe it is no different than professing to own a slave when slavery is illegal. Or maybe it is no different than saying you are owned 24/7, and you have papers to prove it, or a number put on a tag. Maybe it is no different than claiming to NEVER have partaken in any type of role play and judging those who have. Maybe it is no different than putting a collar on someone when in reality it is nothing more than a pretty necklace, or a pretty anklet to those who do not understand the meaning behind the term.

I have a question to all those that have judged….to all those that will continue to judge professing their world or lifestyle is the only way to live. To all those that judge based on a term, or a word that is used to describe another person, or an honorific that one self-professes to claim.

Am I real or just a figment of your imagination?

 

I would say that I am now climbing down from my soapbox and sauntering off into the darkness, but when in reality, I am going to go and seek out a sandwich in my kitchen…...

 

Life goes on......

The "REBEL"

The Rebel

Here I bet you thought I was talking about me! Well I can be a rebel, but I am talking about The Rebel! A sexy vibrator from, Babeland This one is great for those G-spots ladies! It is a vibrator that has a curve to it, you can use it for clit stimulation, or you can use it for that G-spot. It is waterproof too! Hmm, just think of all the things you can do in the bathtub with this one. Now your imagination is working, I hope!!

I just had to try this out! Well sometimes you have to try things out just to see....well you get my drift.


I took this in my bathtub, just to try out this wonderful waterproof silicone, one speed vibrator. I turned the water on hot, added some of my favorite bubble bath, and away we went! Ohh, sorry I got a little carried away there! But this sexy vibrator really hits the spot! And it is small enough you can tuck it in your purse, your bag and take it away with you on one of those weekend trips.

I love Babeland , they are women-friendly and have a variety of sex toys and vibrators! So check them out today, and see all the goodies they have!!! I assure you won't be disappointed!







Life goes on..........

Substance.

 

 

Substance is something I crave. Substance is something I need. And I am not talking about that kind of substance that fills you up to the point you couldn't eat another bite. I am talking about life substance. About the kind of substance that I need in my universe. I am talking about the 'meat' of the matter. That type of substance that clings inside and fills me up. I have needed that type of substance way before I realized what it was/is. And once I did, I knew that I had to have even more. I think it goes even deeper than a base need, it goes to this desperate quiet place inside that brews and bubbles away until it is fed. That need goes to the core of who I am. Kind of hard to put into words, but I know that I must have 'it'. Without it I do not thrive. Without it I kind of wither inside but yet at the same time, it boils more to the point of boiling over and turning into an obsession.

I am talking about the core inside me that needs that power exchange, that need to be mastered, that need to be made complete. For most of my life I have heard something similar to, "You don't need a man to be happy." Wanna bet! I do, and will dispute that. For years that has made me feel like a freak because I do and desperately. I have heard it from my mother, my sister, family, friends, and just plain in general. Can I live on my own? Can I support myself? Can I raise children all alone? Yes, and I have. But there is one part that did not feed me in all that. Where was the substance. Where was that deep seated need fed. It wasn't and therefore I was not complete.

A friend and I were talking the other day about this, and how my 'need' came to be. For as long as I remember I have had that need. I can remember formulating ideas in my head at an early age of what I needed in that and even then I felt like a freak. I learned that it did not fit in with the other girls I hung with. They wanted marriage and I wanted so much more. Some of them wanted to go off and be independent. After all I was raised in the 60's and 70's where women's lib was just coming into play. Burning bras and all that and I would hear these rants about how NO women needed a man to make her happy. I wanted to stand up and shout, "WRONG!" but in my quiet journey, I didn't.

I was married the first time at 18, but only because I was dumb and got pregnant. That sure didn't last long, because there was no substance to it. He fed none of my needs. A couple more failed relationships and then I took a stand. I wasn't going to settle anymore. I started to search out men that I assumed were powerful in their own rights and through one of them I found an alternative lifestyle. One that showed me men were the leaders, and women were the followers. Oh boy, there was substance in that! That was something I had searched for my entire life. And it fed me. I wanted/needed more and more.

But for a long time it was like living a double life. The outside world kept up their harping about women are equal to men and my world preached that women were not. I felt tugged and pulled in many different directions. I had a powerful job where women were basically equal and I was in charge of men. But in my private life I would dig my fork into the substance and hang on for dear life. I was fighting to be fed that substance. And that is when the desperation would come. How in the heck did I find that balance. I made check lists, I put labels to people. I had my own risk factor chart.

And trust me, I made plenty of mistakes along the way. I ended up with men who couldn't dominate their way out of a paper bag, I met abusers. I met men who were very dominant but yet at the same time, didn't fulfill those needs. For one reason or another. But I learned, I learned how to refine my lists, and my labels. I learned how to define myself. I learned what would feed me and what would not. Not once did that desperate need go away to find that one that could feed me and make me complete. I needed substance and had to find a way to be fed. The journey has been interesting and knowledgeable and full of passion and learning, but always an end goal in sight.

I have learned to put those voices of the outside world away. I have learned that if my needs are not met, I am going to have them met, one way or another. I have learned that if those needs of long ago are not met with my expectations, I will move on until they are. I used to wonder if that made me shallow, until I realized they are needs for a reason. You can squash them down inside, but you can never remove them. They are just as important to me as the food I eat. They nourish me, they give me substance.

Life goes on.................

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

Every time I get ready to post on my blog, something pops up. And no, get your minds out of the gutter, I mean things like reality checks, and I fear that if I do post, it may sound negative.

Ohh hell, who cares, it is negative. We had a death in the family this week, and it sucks. Another death in less than two years. Too many. Way too many.

I keep trying to think of positive cliches, and not gonna happen.

My washer broke yesterday.

I looked at my last post and thought it has been a while since I posted. Holidays over, thank goodness, and here I am again, in winter. That time of year I hate the most. But at least it has been pretty mild.

On a good note, we meaning "Slick" got a new puppy a few weeks ago. She is adorable. We are now the proud owners of a German shepherd puppy named, Freya. We now have a cat and a dog and two adult children, and one boyfriend, and I do not need a partridge in a pear tear.

I keep wondering will they possibly grow up some day and move out. The Diva is 21, and the Diva's boyfriend is 25, and Slick is 19. It seems that my house is growing instead of dwindling. I may never know what empty nest feels like. I wonder if I can try it sometime.

Before I am too old to enjoy it.

Hm, on other notes.........

Life goes on........

Rest in Peace Darling.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief....and unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving~

I came to the conclusion that I have been enwrapped in grief. He has been gone for almost nineteen months now and I thought by now I would have been over it. I willed it away, or so I thought. When I took out the Christmas decorations this year, (Something I did not do last year) I found the stockings he made us the year before he died. And then I knew, at that very moment, I have been experiencing grief all this time. I gave myself a deadline of a year, and told myself that I needed to get over it. To move past it, that was long enough to grieve, long enough to complain to my friends and family about how lonely I felt, how sad it made me. How sad I was for him too, that his life was cut short at the age of 48.

I thought that I had to get over it. I told myself that so therefore it should have been true. I still have his pictures up, I still have his memories surrounding me, and I refused to "see" them. I just left them as they were. I mean they were not bothering anyone, so why should I bother them. But when I opened that box that contained all the Christmas decorations, a smile crossed my mouth, not tears, but a smile. He had put everything away so neat and nice, and had everything ready for the next year. But that next year never came for him, and I decided last year not to celebrate much and left the decorations as they were.

I thought I had paid my tributes to him already, and that was enough. I tried to erase those memories and go on with living. Only I realized I had stopped living, and was only pretending to live. I went through the motions, well sort of. But yet never really living again, until I saw those decorations and it hit me. I miss him, and that is okay. It is okay to miss him, it is okay to smile or cry, or whatever emotion crosses into me, at the thought of him. He will always live in my memory, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Never again will I try and erase him from my memory. I will keep him close always, and know that he rests in peace.

Life goes on......

The many faces of Cinderella.

Sometimes I feel like every one's maid, scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, doing toilets, and all that kind of stuff. But after all I do have two children at home, and did I mention that Diva is 21 and Slick is 19? Not that I could ever expect them to do much, it is a major ordeal if I get them to do the dishes, take out the garbage, anyway you get the idea. But it is not really about being a "slave" to them, it is about the many faces of me. The different thoughts of mine, and how they have changed over the years.

I was trained over the years to be a "submissive/slave" type. I was taught to act proper and how to behave. Only I have to say many times my sarcastic mouth got in the way, and then I learned to tone it down, only to find that I lost myself. I think I was living a fantasy, and forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to be "me." I have this vision of having the perfect Prince Charming, well with a lot of that dominant side. I expected so many things, and more times than not, they did not happen. I have been with some great dominants, don't get me wrong, but I have hid behind myself too. When I did not agree with one of those dominants, I learned to hush and not give a true opinion. I did a blog once of the many faces of Laurie Dawn, but that is not what this one is about. There are times I feel like Cinderella, like the person who had no expectations, but was expected to keep her mouth shut, and just do as she was told.

I know, I know, when bringing up a princess' type most think of a princess slave, one who wants her own way and expects her own way. I just want to be able to feel that I am allowed to be "me" and have expectations, not exactly of the perfect princess, but I want to be me, I am high maintenance, I am needy, clingy, and I want/need to be consumed. I want to be that princess at the end of the ball who gets the perfect fit. It doesn't have to be the perfect likeness as most are probably thinking by now, I just want it to fit. I want to be allowed to be me in all of that. I am not going to change, and I want to be accepted for me. I don't fit into the molds that I did at the beginning of this journey, nor do I fit in the molds that I did in the middle of this journey. I have learned, I have learned to be cynical, jaded, needier, and even more high maintenance.

I guess what I am trying to say, life has left me jaded, I used to give out a list of needs/wants/desires, and I still have that list, but I have added and taken away certain things over the years. I want a man to know me, and learn me, and be able to handle me, without thinking that I am throwing down a challenge, just by simply knowing me. I want to be allowed to act like myself at times, and not be looked down upon and called something I am not. I have heard that you can be anything in this lifestyle, in this way of life, and I want to be me. I have been hiding behind too many walls for too many years, and I want someone to drag me out. I have been a wallflower for a while now, and I want someone to yank me up and dance with me in the darkness, and in the light.

The bottom line, I want that perfect fit and I want it NOW!  I guess I just have to learn to stop running away.


Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.


"I would hurl words into the darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all." ~Richard Wright~


Long week and it is only Wednesday. My youngest son turned 19 this week, and this is the first time I have not spent his birthday with him. It sucks. I guess I am not ready for him to leave home, well not in this way. Granted he is only supposed to be gone for a week, but we will see if the sperm donor lets him come back home.

I am sitting here looking at a blank screen, going what do I have to write about. Not much lately. So maybe I will just hurl words into the darkness, and wait for that echo. I had another episode last night, and find that they are harder and harder in middle-age. They have taken a toll on me, and I really wish they would just go away.

Not much to look forward to, other than winter. Ick.


I need a life.


Life goes on......