Victim vs. Slave? Slave vs. Doormat?

 "The quality of decision is like the well-timed swoop of a falcon which enables it to strike and destroy its victim." ~Sun Tzu ~



I keep reading such things all over the forums, and blogs, "I am not a doormat." and other such forms of that. What does it mean to be a doormat, I say it means to be a victim.

victim  1 .a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency:  2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion. 3. a person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed: war victims. 4. a living creature sacrificed in religious rites.


doormat  1. (Clothing, Personal Arts & Crafts / Textiles) a mat, placed at the entrance to a building, for wiping dirt from shoes. 2. Informal a person who offers little resistance to ill-treatment by others.

Sounds pretty much like the same thing to me. Perhaps to some just a matter of semantics, but if you regard the meaning, doormat=victim. No where in there do I see where it means to be a slave in the terms of submissive.
 
slave 1. One bound in servitude as the property of a person or household. 2. One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence.
 
I suppose one could be a slave to an influence of victim behavior, but I choose to be empowered in my slavery.
 
empower 1. To invest with power, especially legal power or official authority. See Synonyms at authorize. 2. To equip or supply with an ability; enable.
 
I lived long enough in the victim state, and I caved in that state too many times, and now I choose to be empowered in my slavery. To be equipped with knowledge that enables me to live it in such a way that I no longer have to be a victim. I have the right to choose. I have the right to tell the world, "I am not a doormat."
 

Life goes on.........

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

This is how I feel today, defeated.

And keep asking myself, is my "Friday" right around the corner?

I hope so, I am tired of being tired, and feeling defeated. I am tired of getting up each and every day and trying to not feel defeated. I won't go into details, but I am just fucking tired.

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. but it's better

to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing

what you're fighting for."

  ~Paulo Coelho~

And that about sums it up, if I know what I am fighting for, that is different, but lately, some of the battles I have no idea what they are, or if they are even included in my dreams.

On a brighter note, I went to a benefit for a friend on Saturday night, and it was very nice. It is nice to see family, friends and a community come together for a good cause.

And Slick is turning 19 on Tuesday. Wow, my youngest and time sure flies. He won't be here this year, he is going to spend the week with the sperm donor. The very first year I haven't spent his birthday with him. That sucks.

All I have to say, is I hope my "Friday" hurries.

Life goes on.......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

Just think, only two more days til Friday. So many people look forward to the weekend, and I just look forward to getting better, or getting stronger.

The death of a loved one has taken its toll in so many ways that I cannot even begin to describe. Nor do I want to go into too many details. I am left with the aftermath and I am still angry. And that does no good for me, or my problems with PTSD, or anxiety or the other number of disorders I suffer with. I am trying to get past the anger, I am trying to get past the part where I have no idea what direction my life is heading, but death changes that. I keep trying to put some structure into my life, and I keeping falling down.

I have almost completely locked myself in my bedroom. I go out, but only if I absolutely have to. I try to have a normal relationship, well as "normal" as I am, but I find myself not doing that very well either. I wonder at times if I am too hard, or too demanding in my needs. My goal for last year was to try and start living life again and it still appears to be my goal for this year.

I have taken these four walls of my bedroom and made it my "safe" place, only it isn't, but I suppose it is the safest place I have in my life, or as safe as anyplace can be right at this time in my life.

But at times it seems like a prison, or is that I am a prisoner in my own mind. Locked in a dark, scary place where there is no escape? I would like to think there is an escape, but then I think of my past, and my present, and wonder will I ever get past these things that hinder my future. And there is no answer.

I tried to give myself a year of grief, and found that did not work. I am afraid to get back out there and live again, even though I am trying. I am still afraid. I am tired of being told I am the strong one and I can do it. Can I?

I am tired of people thinking they know me and what I need, only to find out they are giving me nothing I need. I am not blaming this on anyone other than myself. And why I have to put a disclaimer in, I have no idea, perhaps I need validation on why I feel this way, or perhaps just to have validation all by itself.

I usually try to keep it pretty light on here, and then I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I waste my time writing down only part of my thoughts, or afraid someone might read this that knows me, and find out that I am broken.

I made a choice today, a choice to put my life in order, or at least to figure out how to, or figure out what is wrong with it and it is time to allow myself the freedom of expressing thoughts.

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! Get your mind out of the gutters!! This is not about "doing it." This is about life handing you a shove it up your ass, I mean handing you roadblocks. Or whatever you want to call it. I prefer to say, that life just got shoved up your ass a whole lot. 'Nuff said.

It has been a hell of a week, two weeks, a month, two months, a year. And no it isn't time for a year in review. I am sitting here, supposed to be cleaning the house, and I don't wanna. I want to be at the beach, soaking up the sun, not here chilly and feeling like cindrella, and not the part about going to the ball. I am the cindrella, with the rags on, dust on her nose, down on her hands and knees, cleaning. Ick.

Sometimes I think we have too much stuff. Okay, most of the time I think I have too much stuff. Why in the world do we need so much stuff. I was thinking earlier about a simple life, and I barely have room for a simple life. I was searching for places to put things, and found that I am out of room. I guess maybe I should have a sale, or a give-away thingie. Just bag it all up and donate it to Goodwill.

And did I mention middle-age. Egads, menopause, bi-focals, hypothyrodism, just to name a few. Ick.

I am not ready for fall, let alone the upcoming winter. It seems like summer just started and it's almost over. Ick.

Hey, give me some credit, I am trying to think of something good. I really am, but........

I guess I am glad that ......

I have another chance....maybe tomorrow.......

Life goes on......

Close Out Sale!

I am having a close out sale! I retired from the "public scene" a few years back and I have decided to gather some of the stuff left behind by others, and get rid of it.

Here are the promised pictures from the ad I put up on Fetlife.

Thanks for stopping by.

Life goes on........

Walking on eggshells......

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."

~Robert Fritz~

It is like I woke up one morning and found myself angry. Very angry, and I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I so angry?" I really had to stop and think, and analyze and take inventory of my life. I found that anger goes back many years and it is carried into the present, and I pray that it is not carried into the future. For the past year and a half I attributed it to grief and all that entails, but then I realized it went back further than that, and grief only added to the anger. I have been carrying that anger around for too many years. It is bondage of the worse kind. I had to ask myself some very serious questions about that anger, and how in the world do I get rid of it. I found that I am angry because I have compromised my life. All your life you are told, you have to compromise. It should be a pretty easy deal/negotiation, you give up something you want in order to get something else you want more. Or is it?

According to Wikipedia;

"To compromise is to make a deal where one person gives up part of his or her demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance, tolerance. In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a "surrender" of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little."

I had to read that part about human relationships several times before it finally hit home. I have compromised myself to the point I have given up "myself." Not in the healthy manner either, but in a very unhealthy one. I had a dream when I was younger of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a stay at home wife, and take care of my husband. That was all I wanted out of my life, until one day my father told me that I had to have more out of life. I should WANT more out of life. So I compromised and told him I would go in the Navy, since he was former Navy. The day I went for my physical the doctor told me I was pregnant. My father was not happy to say the least. My life changed that day, or did it change that day or the day I changed and compromised.

I simply gave up that dream I had as a young girl. It did not fit in with the times, even though I was raised to be a wife in the 70's, every where I went and dared to tell someone that dream, they told me that was a silly dream. I should aspire for a career, be my own person, be independent, don't depend on a man for your happiness, and the list goes on and on. I caved, I listened I did what was expected of me, even in my rebellion, I still did as was expected. After all I was my father's daughter and he told me those very same things long ago.

And rebel, yes I did plenty of that. I took marriage and made a sham out of it. I married for many reasons, many times, not out of love, but for other reasons, and rubbed it in society's face. I found the lifestyle and changed the term, husband and wife to master and slave and promised myself I would never compromise myself in that. I simply compromised in what I wanted and changed it to be something else, and hoped that maybe I would be accepted into an unconventional lifestyle. I compromised again, over and over. The anger continued to build. I felt like I failed so many times, giving up my own traditional values of what I believe/d in.

I fell into trap after trap of finding the "wrong" kind of men. Men who wanted me to change me into something I was not, or men who expected me to change because they could not fit into what I needed and they made me feel as if I was the one who was failing, instead of them failing me. They expected me to compromise with nothing in return. I am not saying every single relationship I have been in has been like that, it hasn't, but the majority of them have been. I gave up checklists years ago in what I wanted from a relationship because I got tired of wrestling for my needs/wants/desires. I gave up so many expectations because I got tired of people telling me they were wrong, and I should not expect so much from one mere mortal.

I have been walking on eggshells for years. I have been walking on eggshells of anger, resentment, rage, sadness, and so many other emotions.

I feel at times I have been tricked into accepting less than what I first set out for. And then I wonder why did I compromise myself to the point I am now a mere shell myself. I also have to wonder is it too late to start over? Is it too late to set my sites on what I wanted as a young girl, only tailoring it to my needs as they are today? Is 53 way too late to even start thinking of what I should have done, or what I could do differently? Is love supposed to be that way? Is it supposed to reach the point that you give so much, or compromise so much that you are left with nothing but a shell?

Is it fair for another person to expect that much compromise? Even if love is involved? Does that much compromise in a relationship promote a healthy one, or a recipe for disaster? I am a traditionalist and I have tried to fit in a non-traditional world, maybe it is time I go back to those traditions and live as I feel I was intended. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so angry anymore. Maybe I could return to feeling as if my shell was filled again. I guess that part is up to me, for I am the one who compromised myself.



Does anyone have a broom? It is time to quit walking on all these eggshells.

Life goes on.....





I dare you......

How much posturing goes on in life, more so in our lifestyle than any other place I have seen. It is like some put on a mask, a cloak and posture all over the place and I have to sit here and wonder why. It seems to be coming out more and more. Or should I say "they" seem to be coming out more and more. No, this is not my cynical take on life, this is my watching, studying and observing people. Coming into contact with self-professed lifestylers. People who supposedly live by those credos. And once again I will put a disclaimer on this*****This is for those that allegedly live by their lifestyle creed.******This is not meant for those that engage in role play online games or are merely players in the lifestyle. This is meant for those who posture themselves all over the place, professing to be someone they are not.




How can you claim to be a slave and profess to give it all up, to surrender heart, mind, body and soul if you run home to your vanilla husband and rule the roost. How can you claim to be a slave/submissive if you only choose to surrender when it is easy, or convenient. How can you claim to be a slave/submissive and have agreed to a power exchange relationship, but yet you don't want to do this or that because it might interfere with your night out with the girls. How can you be a slave if all you want is kinky sex.



How can you claim to be a master if you run home to your vanilla wife, and are henpecked. How can you claim to be a master just because that is the title you put on your checklist, and your life is in a mess. How can you claim to be a master if you secretly and behind closed doors want to be submissive to a woman. How can you claim to be a master if you cannot even control yourself, let alone a slave/submissive. How can you be a master, if you do not "understand" the dynamics. How can you be a master if all you want is kinky sex.



People are cheating themselves, and worse, they are cheating others by posturing. By not being true to who you are, or who you say you are. To stand there and make declarations of living a lifestyle and slamming others for not living that very same way. When it is a sham, a lie, just another form of posturing. How can there possibly be any satisfaction in that. How can anyone build a lasting relationship like that. How can anyone look them self in the mirror each day, and think they are being true to who their claim is to be.



Give to to me straight. I want it right out there, straight and upfront. It does not matter to me what your position is, what your label is, what your preference is but I want it straight. I want to make my own judgements on whether I will like you or not, built on who you are, not who you want me to think you are. I want to be able to decide what purpose it has on my own life, if any at all. I don't think respect is earned, I think respect it is given, by truth, honesty, and by giving it to someone straight.



The Posers out there only cheapen what we call our lifestyle, hurting others and destroying that respect. Why is it so hard to just be yourself. I challenge you all who are reading this to try it for one day, those that are posturing, just be yourself. You might like it! And the others might find that there is one less poser out there to deal with. Perhaps this is our gift in life. To be ourselves so that others can make a conscience decision:



1.The inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.

2. The complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

3. An inhibiting sense of what is prudent.



Again, this is not meant as anything other than my own needs. I do not care who you are, I only care what you are, in living by the very same principals I live, you are yourself. I am a slave, but does that mean I am any less of a mother, sister, daughter, lover, friend. I am a mother, but does that make me any less of a slave. I can be a bitch at times, but does that make me any less of a slave. It might get me in trouble and I will bear the consequences but it makes me simply me.



Wouldn't it be nicer to just see this, than someone who claimed to be a master and wanted your all but yet did nothing to take that all. Wouldn't it be nicer to see this than a slave who only wanted a collar for that status symbol, and yet did nothing to give her all. At least it would give us the options. At least it would give us a choice. And I can bet that there would be less hurts in our lifestyle. This is supposed to be a lifestyle full of open choices, full of having those needs/wants/desires filled. So come on then, let's live it as it was intended.



Give it to me straight. I am taking it myself. And every day I search, I seek, I question, have I lived up to that integrity, that ole adage , “To thine own self be true…..” For we cannot have truth without change. Self-discovery is a hard road to take. But if we give our life to another at the cost of loosing who we are in the process, we will have a hard time living up to being true to ourselves. But if that other person was untrue to who they are, a vicious circle starts. The snowball effect. So let's just start being true to our own self.

"Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself."

~EMILE CIORAN~

A challenge to yourself. Are you ready to take it?


Life goes on.............