I am a widow. At 52 years old I am a widow. Something that I never thought of being. Something that I never considered. I have been a widow now for three weeks. I wanted to continue on my old blog, but found that when I deleted it I could not bring it back. So I created a new one, and found that I have to start all over again. Kind of like life. I not only have to start a new one, but continue with the old one. What an oxymoron that one is. Get on with life but start a new one too.
I have been through a myriad of emotions. Anger, sadness, fear, memories that flood you when you least expect it and so many others. Too many to mention. And I am afraid if I keep talking about all those emotions bottled up inside of me that my friends and family may stop hanging around me. Sooner or later they are going to get tired of hearing it. They are going to expect me to get on with life and go for it. They are going to start thinking that no one can wallow in that grief for THAT long! And yes I know it has only been three weeks, but first came shock, then grief & sadness, and now anger. I am angry because my life partner is gone. And I have to deal with everything now.
We shared almost two years together. And were married three days before he died. How is that for a short marriage! I feel cheated. We had never even had the chance to discuss funeral arrangements. We never had the chance to live life let alone discuss dying. I haven't reached the stage where I can talk to him yet. Just a little here and there, but not much. Some days I turn his picture face down, and some days I put it back up again. It is hard to look at his grin and think I will never see that again, only in a photo. I know that he would want me to live and laugh and be happy. But right now that is not possible. I hope someday it will be. I thought by starting a blog again I put all those negative and positive emotions out there, and it would help. Help me by letting go of some of it. Who knows if it will or not.
I hate sleeping alone. I hate the feeling of being alone. I hate being a widow. I want to rage and scream at the Universe, but who would listen. I want to rage against the forces that took him from me, but who would care. I hate the cliches that go along with death and in that they have no meaning to me. Just a waste of someones breath. The people that have helped are the ones who say nothing, only offer their 'ear' to listen. And I think at times if I hear one more cliche I shall scream and run into the night.
I was going to name by blog, "Letters to Bob." but then decided I don't always feel like talking to him. So I made it what I wanted it to be. The Mad Woman's Ramblings. That is what they are after all. MINE! It may sound selfish, but I am the one left here in life.
Life goes on..............
