"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~Hal Borland~
Every year we look forward to a new year, a new beginning, why I have wondered these past few weeks. Why do we do that to ourselves, telling us the new year is going to be so much better than the past. Because I would suppose we need hope. The kind of hope you can wrap yourself in and pretend the past year did not happen. But it did, and it refuses to leave, no matter how much hope we try to wrap up inside our souls.
We still have to deal with the past year, and last year was pretty bad, and this new year isn't looking too great either. It sure didn't start off good. My uncle passed away on Friday, and now in the beginning of this new year, I have to deal with death yet once again. He was always like a father to me, always there, the most consistent man in my life. I would write a tribute, but I am not ready for that. It has brought up so many emotions and I know in my heart he lived a long and productive life, but what a cliche that is. It doesn't take away the fact that he is gone, that we miss him like mad, that it doesn't matter how old they are, we are never ready for them to go. NEVER!
He was married to my aunt for 56 years, that is longer than I have been alive on this earth. I can't even begin to imagine staying with one person that long. Don't get me wrong, I tried once upon a time, and it didn't work. But for them, it worked. I don't know how, all I know is it did. And she is sad and lonely and has no idea how she will make it without him. That makes me sad, sad for her. To lose the love of her life, the man she has spent her entire life with, and now he is gone.
So, in regards to that, and other things the past refuses to leave. It clings and hangs on and no matter how hard we try to shake it off, we are left with the memories that engulf us, and the thoughts that refuse to leave. Trust me, I have tried, I have tried to get up and move on, and yet here I sit, wondering, and thinking to myself, why can't I do this. It should be easy, it should be easy to try and put the past behind you. Wrong. It is not going to be easy, it is not going to be pretty.
In doing this past year in review, it sucked. First The Bastard died, and then my godfather died the week after. Then I had to move from the big house back into my house, downsize and paperwork up the well you know where, and all that entailed, and thinking maybe, just maybe this new year would bring some sort of happiness. And then my uncle dies and we are not even done with January yet. I know we still have 11 more months to go, but damn it, how about a break.
I am tired of being sad.
Maybe I should be thankful, or maybe I should not.......that.........
Life goes on.........
