"Remember me."

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I hope you will take a few moments during October to consider the issue and remember those whose lives are affected by it.




The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), in conjunction with Ms. Magazine, started the Remember My Name project in 1994 to create a national registry of names of those who have lost their lives to domestic violence. Since then, NCADV has continued to collect information on incidents of people who have been killed by an intimate partner and produces a poster each year for Domestic Violence Awareness Month listing the names of those submitted to the project. To date, over 7,753 people* have been memorialized through the project.



http://www.ncadv.org/



NCADV has partnered with The Wireless Foundation for over seven years through the CALL TO PROTECT program which was created to provide victims of domestic violence who may encounter emergency situations with free cell phones for that use. The collection of deactivated cell and wireless phones for this purpose has literally saved hundreds of lives over the course of our partnership.

In addition to phones being distributed for emergency use, proceeds from the sale of phones not utilized for emergency use help fund agencies that work to end violence in the home, such as NCADV.

There are so many things you can do to help. If nothing else, display a purple ribbon someplace during this month, pass the word, or give a moment of silence. Remember those that have lost their lives, and remember if you are in need, please seek help.



I got flowers today!



I got flowers today!

It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.

We had our first argument last night;

And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;

I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;

Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today.

It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.

It seemed like a nightmare.

I couldn't believe that it was real.

I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.

I know he must be sorry.

Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today!

It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;

Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;

It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;

And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;

Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today!

And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;

Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;

Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;

I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;

Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today!

And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;

Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;

If I leave him, what will I do?

How will I take care of the kids?

What about money?

I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him!

But he must be sorry;

Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today….

Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;

Last night he killed me;

If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;

I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;

So I got flowers today—for the last time.
~Author Unknown~


Life goes on................

Frozen.

"You are suspended in me beautiful and frozen, I preserve you, in me you are safe."

~Atwood~


I am frozen to many degrees. I am numb and suspended to many degrees. I have preserved myself in me. I am safe inside of me. I have remained frozen and numb for so long, it is a comfortable blanket, suspended in time. I have started to be less and less frozen, but each time I find myself thawing, I draw that frozen blanket right back up. And I remain frozen yet again. How many times can you thaw, only to return back to that frozen state. Time and time again.

This has not happened over night, this has happened over time. I have turned into a frozen cynical state. I know this to be true, but yet when I resist the chill that has come over me, I seem to go right back into that state. I thought I was living the life I wanted/needed, in the 24/7 relationship. And quite some time ago I realized I was not living that life I had talked about so many times. I was living part of it, well not even part of it, just snippets here and there. I wanted to live it, so I guess in my mind I tried to cram it into the frozen ground. Because after awhile it was like that, trying to push something into a frozen ground. It just isn't going to work.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months, and I have found out much that I do not like, and much that I did not like. But the plain truth of it all, I allowed it to happen. I allowed myself to become frozen, suspended in time. Now I have to figure out how I got to this state. I gave my life to another in the form of master/slave/friend/lover/wife. I had high expectations, I was given higher expectations and I realized that many can play at a 24/7 relationship, and some do, but I was not trying to play. I was being true to myself. I was being true to my nature. Even with the everyday necessaries of life, I was being true to myself. And it left me in a frozen state, because the other person did not live up to those expectations.

I do not care to repeat those in the future. I want that person to be who they say they are. I do not want to be fooled again. It is too hard to come out of that frozen state. It is too hard to be who I was meant to be in that frozen suspension. I take my submissive nature to heart, it is inherent inside of me. It is not something I don one day and remove the next. I live it, I am it, I need it. I cannot live without it. But without it, with only a promise and not living it with another, I became frozen.

It is easy to talk about a 24/7 life as master/slave, it is easy to set up guidelines, and rituals and rules, and protocols. It is easy to do that, I believe anyone can do that, but what is not easy is to live those, to live within those guidelines, those rules, those protocols, in a 24/7 environment. People become overwhelmed, or perhaps they cannot live it because it is not truly who they are. I don't know, all I know is that I am frozen because for whatever the reasons were, I was molded to be something someone wanted me to be, and I am still at times stuck in that state.

Now I have to ask myself, is there something as being too submissive? So submissive that you allow yourself to be molded to be exactly what that other person wants/needs/desires, that instead of feeling submissive, you feel like a victim?

Maybe next time I will learn to do it right, I hope.....and am thankful at times....

Life goes on.......

LOVE. To be or not to be.

“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”

~Julie de Lespinass~



~CAUTION, RANT~
 
Funny how when I need a quote to sum up the words that I cannot say, I find one that is so fitting. And that quote says it all. My love contains hate and my hate contains love. Well at least in personal relationships I have had. I remember having this fairy tale as a little girl, all wrapped up nice and neat, like Prince Charming was going to walk down the stairs and swoop me away. BTW, I am still waiting for him to show up.
 
I have had so many attempts at love fail, and I have to really start wondering why. I was listening to a conversation last night about love, and if people believed that they would have ONE that was meant for them. I guess their soul mate. I have never believed in soul mates, but I do believe that souls can mate. But I think it goes a little deeper than just that. I believe in destiny, I believe in fate, but I do not believe that there is one out there that was meant for just me. For if I believed that I would be putting someone up on a pedestal, and that is not my way. Not up so high when they fall off, I am hurt beyond repair.

But even with that said, I have to say I have had many regrets when it comes to love. I know, regretting falling in love, but I have, and I do. It is those times that I lose my head, and my passions become unhinged. I stop thinking clearly and just fall in with both feet, oh hell, my entire body! And I have to take a stand back and look and see it is just my passions coming unhinged, or am I really in love. I have loved once in my life to a man many, many years ago that I thought was my soul mate. I was young, and foolish and in love. I hated him so much that my passions truly became unhinged. I wore rose-colored glasses and saw him in an entire different light.
 
And now in the present day, I see that love as an ideal, a romantic illusion that I carried from my youth. And it does not work the same now as it did then. I have more experience, I am jaded, I am cynical, I am downright tainted on the entire concept of love. I mean I love my family, I love some of my friends, but to give myself to a man that way again, I am not so sure I could. I just went through an experience that forever changed my life. A man I was with, died. He told me that I was his soul mate, we used to argue that over and over, and he would often tell me love was enough.
 
I would tell him love would never be enough, there has to be other components in a relationship or it just won't work. I am finding out now things about that kind of love that him and I shared, that I know changed things, it changed many things, and now it is too late. It really doesn't matter anymore, or it shouldn't, but it does in other ways. I mean I am the one still alive, I am the one who has these emotions, these thoughts that steal up in the darkness. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, and over.
 
I don't want to end up alone either. But if that type of love happens again, I wonder if I will run from it, or embrace it fully. I have ran from it many times, and at times never once looked back. Yes, I am my own worse enemy when it comes to love. I have often tried to talk myself out of it, thinking that it is something for others, not for me. I have often thought myself shallow because there would be men who loved me that I could not return. I often thought myself a cold-hearted bitch because I could not force myself to fall in love.
 
I have realized that at times when I thought I was in love, it was not, it was merely something that I thought I needed. I have surrendered to men that I did not love, thinking that it would come later, and at those times it never did. I had a love of respect for them but falling in love, didn't happen. And I found out that I could never surrender completely unless I was madly in love with someone. I suppose that would be the entire package.
 
They say "Love Is a Many Splendored Thing",  I think it is bullshit at times. I think there are times when people say it just to say it, or because they need to say it, or use it as a trapping to get you. If I hear those words I am always suspecting something ulterior is going on, if I use those words, I mean them. Whether in friendship, or family, or whatever. I mean them. But I also love the written word, I love dancing in the rain, I love soft moonlight and candles. I love so many things, so how is that different when you give love to people, vs. loving other things.
 
Beats me.
 
Life goes on.........
 
 

Expecting.......

"It is said that the present is pregnant with the future."

~Voltaire~

I was cleaning the house and my thoughts were running wild as I was going through boxes and boxes of paperwork. Trying to find one elusive paper that I needed and started thinking of the present.

You know the cliche, live one day at a time, and wondered how can we truly do that, when in the back of our minds, we always, always try to plan somewhat for our future.

If not plan, we dream of it.

And the quote came to mind. How true that is, that the present is pregnant with the future, and it is! Sometimes so laden that it is a heavy burden to carry, worrying about how to pay the bills, worrying if you can make it through one more day, into the next. But not always negative, sometimes we plan for a trip, we plan to meet someone new, we plan on finding that one that can make our heart soar.

And that is when our dreams become to be. If we are lonely, we think about finding someone to take away that loneliness. If we are happy, we think about where that happiness will take us. If we are sad, we think about how to make that sadness go away. We are expecting......

I think it would be wrong to say that we never expected anything from our future, because we do.

I know I do. I am carrying my present into my future everyday, my business, my family, my life is always striving to become a better tomorrow. I expect things from my present, that hopefully are born into my future.

I also know that many live the credo, one day at a time, and that is absolutely wonderful for many things, but if we have no expectations on our future, where do our dreams go.

I have to hold onto that. I need that in my life, for that is what helps me get out of bed everyday. That is what helps me do some of the things I have to do in life. To expect, be expecting of my present with the future in mind.

I know that I talk in cliches sometimes, but this is what helps me look at things in a different perspective. I think that is why I like quotes, they help me to say things that have so much meaning, but few words. And I can put one to almost every aspect of my life.

And this one fits, I am pregnant with the present that I am carrying into the future.

I am expecting, many great things for my future.

I have to.....

Life goes on............

Many Faces of Laurie.

"I have never been aware before how many faces there are.  There are quantities of human beings, but there are many more faces, for each person has several."  ~Rainer Maria Rilke~

I have been engaging in the self-discovery of Laurie lately, well for many years actually, but lately it has returned. I am coming out of a numb-state, a frozen state and I am learning how to rediscover myself again. And taking each face of Laurie and exploring them again, learning how they act and interact with the others. I know that makes me sound like I have multiple personalities or something, but we all wear many faces, whether we want to admit it or not, we all do, we are not one dimensional, we have many facets, and I wear many faces. So in that self-discovery, I have to remember how to make them blend into one, Laurie. With no compromising this time.

Yes, I have in the past, many many times. I have compromised one for the other, or vice verse. Or at times I have compromised to the point of being miserable in my own life, but have given others what they have needed, leaving myself completely out of the equation. And ended up a nothing, numb, frozen. So I have had to look deep inside and try to figure out why I keep doing this, or doing that. I have to be comfortable in my many faces, I have to find solace in Laurie. In all her faces.

In that there has to be self-discovery, rediscovery and recovery. I have to peel back those faces and examine each other carefully and find the parts that fit and the parts that don't fit, and get rid of those that do not fit. It is a lot like therapy, peeling away the layers and layers of accumulated 'stuff' that has no business being in the faces of Laurie. And keeping the layers I like, the layers that are the true Laurie. A death has helped me see this, I gave up parts of myself in the last relationship that I should not have given up. Why did I give them up, because I thought I had to. The operative word being, "THOUGHT".

Did I really have to give up any face of Laurie, or did I merely think it was necessary in order to be what someone else needed/wished me to be. Well that answer is easy, I did not have to do anything, I should have just stayed the same, within the many faces of Laurie. But society depicts that we must compromise in a relationship, we MUST give in to some things or we will not be fair. I ask why is that. I mean really why is that. I live a way of life that says I do not have to compromise, I have to comply with the standards I set myself. And I should be with people who understand and accept that many faces of Laurie, and if they do not, why bother. I cannot changes those faces, they have been mine for too many years, I can take out the parts that do not fit, that perhaps others have shoved into the cracks, but I do not have to change.

Am I cynical, am I jaded, you bet your sweet ass I am, but even in that, do I have to take that face off, or do I continue to wear it as I do. It does not prevent me from loving, it does not prevent me from getting right back on that bike again, to fall down again and again, so why would I ever want to take it off. I earned it, damn it!

I wear the face of a submissive/slave, and when I hear that certain behavior is not fitting for a slave, do I take off that face just because I do not kneel at the feet of just anyone, but the ones I choose. That has to be inspired for someone to see that face.

I wear that face of passion, and I am not talking sexual here, although that is often involved in wearing that face, but so many other things too. I have passion when I clean my house, when I laugh, when I dance, when I see so much beauty in the world and so much hatred. How could that not be passionate when you see something so violent that it rips inside your heart and wrenches you to the point of sobbing.

And sometimes I wear rose colored glasses over some of my faces, why you ask, because I need to. There are times I need to see things as I see them, not as you want me to see them.

I wear the face of a bitch at times, why you ask, because it has helped me survive some pretty horrid places I have been. It has helped me remain strong in the face of adversity.

I wear the face of a mother, not because I have maternal instincts, but because I love my children unconditionally.

I wear the face of a little girl at times, because there is always new discoveries to be made, seen through the eyes for the first time, as a child would.

I wear the face of a dominant single mother at times, because it is necessary for the structure and the foundation of my home to flourish and remain strong.

I wear the face of insecurity, because it is simply who I am at times. No more explanation needed, that pretty much says it all.

I wear the face of abuse at times, I am a survivor, not a victim anymore.


I wear many faces of Laurie, that is what makes me Laurie. So many more, so many different, but yet all the same. Me.

Life goes on.....................

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Wow that time of week already! Time sure flies.

This is my middle of the week musings. I started this years ago on my other blog, and realized that last week I hit Thursday instead! Shows you how much I keep track of time!

I started middle of the week musings to kind of put my thoughts of the week down. Silly things, funny things, things that have happened over the past week.

This week has been a turmoil in so many ways, but hopefully it is settling down just a bit.

I need a vacation. I did not have one this year, and that really sucks.

Winter is coming again. Blah.

They are already starting to take down the fields here, and I am not ready for that to happen.

With The Bastard's death it seems that the summer was non-existent in so many ways.

We had so many plans, and then he passes away, and none of them were fulfilled.

Maybe soon I will take a vacation, sounds like a good idea to me.

I wish people would say what they mean, and not what they think you want to hear.

I miss touch.

I hate the nighttime, it is lonely.

I wonder if I will ever get used to sleeping in bed all by myself. I keep trying to roll into the middle and find myself on the edge.

I hope you all have a wonderful week, and a better weekend.

Life goes on.................

Rock, Paper & Scissors.

"If you've lost focus, just sit down and be still. Take the idea and rock it to and fro. Keep some of it and throw some away, and it will renew itself. You need do no more." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes~

I lost focus along the way. I forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to take my ideas and just let me flow, or to let them express themselves in whatever form they needed. I became those scissors, cutting away in jagged lines, in uneven movements, dull, no longer sharp. And then an idea came to me, I have always collected rocks, they are all over my house, and each one has a meaning. When I found that quote I took one and held it in my hand. Letting it roll around and feeling its weight in my fingers. Thinking over and over, of the things I did not allow in my life, and all the things that happened in my life over the past few years.

And an idea formed, I have had many rocks in my life. Many strong and stable people. I have had rocks that were strength, and I have had rocks that were unforgiving, uncompromising. Heavy and loaded with their own burden. I have had boulders in my life, that refused to budge, needing assistance to move them from my path.

I have had many scissors in my life, sharp, jagged at times, inconsistent. Never cutting the same line twice. Some would say that scissors are creative, and they make beautiful things, and when put together I am sure that they do, but if you look closely, you will be able to see that the lines are not even, no matter how hard you try. Come on look closely, you can see.

I have had paper in my life. Wonderful beautiful pieces of paper, people of gentleness that blew in for whatever moments they were needed. Some to fill up my chapters, and some for a word or two.

Paper, soft pliable paper, receptive to change, adaptive, easily influenced, persuaded, swayed, but also a blank canvas at times. Beautiful but yet can be crumpled, tossed away, torn, and ripped, smudged, smeared, cut with uneven lines.

I have been all three. I know that I need a rock, and I know that I need to be paper, yes perhaps a little creased, a little torn around the edges, a smudge here and there, but the inside renewed.

I want to be that piece of paper with its edge underneath that rock, holding on a little, just enough that I do not blow away, accepted with all the imperfections, and all the messy edges, but accepted, and held gentle and tender, but underneath that strength. That stability, to know that the rock with hold with its power, but yet with its tenderness.

Life goes on.........

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!!

Sometimes you have to go back to something that is familiar. On my old blog I used to do this every Wednesday. And figured that I needed more rituals from my past brought into my present. It would be a time I would reflect some of the things that happened during the week. A time for whatever happened, whatever came to mind. And I would write about them, or just put them out there.

This has been a hard time, but in that hard time there have also been good times. Not exactly a balance, but at least there has been laughter amongst the tears. And I know that he would want me to be happy, he would have hated me being so sad all the time. And last night on the phone with a really good friend, I did get some of that grief out, that buried deep down grief where you cannot catch your breath. And in the middle of it all was laughter.

My load feels lighter today. At least that part of it. It feels so much lighter. That is a heavy load to carry around, that grief. Some have told me that I have to get back to living, not that I stopped but I guess I embraced myself in that grief and would not let anyone in. It was hard, feeling guilt, feeling that I had no right to laugh. But that is life, you laugh, you cry, and we are the ones left here, dealing with it all.

The unpacking is finally getting done, and the painting is almost done, the organization is getting there, still mounds of paperwork, but it is dwindling somewhat. So much that goes with a person's death. My smile is happening more, memories are finally starting to come back, and I guess that is what happens when........

Life goes on...........