Rest in Peace Darling.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief....and unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving~

I came to the conclusion that I have been enwrapped in grief. He has been gone for almost nineteen months now and I thought by now I would have been over it. I willed it away, or so I thought. When I took out the Christmas decorations this year, (Something I did not do last year) I found the stockings he made us the year before he died. And then I knew, at that very moment, I have been experiencing grief all this time. I gave myself a deadline of a year, and told myself that I needed to get over it. To move past it, that was long enough to grieve, long enough to complain to my friends and family about how lonely I felt, how sad it made me. How sad I was for him too, that his life was cut short at the age of 48.

I thought that I had to get over it. I told myself that so therefore it should have been true. I still have his pictures up, I still have his memories surrounding me, and I refused to "see" them. I just left them as they were. I mean they were not bothering anyone, so why should I bother them. But when I opened that box that contained all the Christmas decorations, a smile crossed my mouth, not tears, but a smile. He had put everything away so neat and nice, and had everything ready for the next year. But that next year never came for him, and I decided last year not to celebrate much and left the decorations as they were.

I thought I had paid my tributes to him already, and that was enough. I tried to erase those memories and go on with living. Only I realized I had stopped living, and was only pretending to live. I went through the motions, well sort of. But yet never really living again, until I saw those decorations and it hit me. I miss him, and that is okay. It is okay to miss him, it is okay to smile or cry, or whatever emotion crosses into me, at the thought of him. He will always live in my memory, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Never again will I try and erase him from my memory. I will keep him close always, and know that he rests in peace.

Life goes on......

The many faces of Cinderella.

Sometimes I feel like every one's maid, scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, doing toilets, and all that kind of stuff. But after all I do have two children at home, and did I mention that Diva is 21 and Slick is 19? Not that I could ever expect them to do much, it is a major ordeal if I get them to do the dishes, take out the garbage, anyway you get the idea. But it is not really about being a "slave" to them, it is about the many faces of me. The different thoughts of mine, and how they have changed over the years.

I was trained over the years to be a "submissive/slave" type. I was taught to act proper and how to behave. Only I have to say many times my sarcastic mouth got in the way, and then I learned to tone it down, only to find that I lost myself. I think I was living a fantasy, and forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to be "me." I have this vision of having the perfect Prince Charming, well with a lot of that dominant side. I expected so many things, and more times than not, they did not happen. I have been with some great dominants, don't get me wrong, but I have hid behind myself too. When I did not agree with one of those dominants, I learned to hush and not give a true opinion. I did a blog once of the many faces of Laurie Dawn, but that is not what this one is about. There are times I feel like Cinderella, like the person who had no expectations, but was expected to keep her mouth shut, and just do as she was told.

I know, I know, when bringing up a princess' type most think of a princess slave, one who wants her own way and expects her own way. I just want to be able to feel that I am allowed to be "me" and have expectations, not exactly of the perfect princess, but I want to be me, I am high maintenance, I am needy, clingy, and I want/need to be consumed. I want to be that princess at the end of the ball who gets the perfect fit. It doesn't have to be the perfect likeness as most are probably thinking by now, I just want it to fit. I want to be allowed to be me in all of that. I am not going to change, and I want to be accepted for me. I don't fit into the molds that I did at the beginning of this journey, nor do I fit in the molds that I did in the middle of this journey. I have learned, I have learned to be cynical, jaded, needier, and even more high maintenance.

I guess what I am trying to say, life has left me jaded, I used to give out a list of needs/wants/desires, and I still have that list, but I have added and taken away certain things over the years. I want a man to know me, and learn me, and be able to handle me, without thinking that I am throwing down a challenge, just by simply knowing me. I want to be allowed to act like myself at times, and not be looked down upon and called something I am not. I have heard that you can be anything in this lifestyle, in this way of life, and I want to be me. I have been hiding behind too many walls for too many years, and I want someone to drag me out. I have been a wallflower for a while now, and I want someone to yank me up and dance with me in the darkness, and in the light.

The bottom line, I want that perfect fit and I want it NOW!  I guess I just have to learn to stop running away.


Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.


"I would hurl words into the darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all." ~Richard Wright~


Long week and it is only Wednesday. My youngest son turned 19 this week, and this is the first time I have not spent his birthday with him. It sucks. I guess I am not ready for him to leave home, well not in this way. Granted he is only supposed to be gone for a week, but we will see if the sperm donor lets him come back home.

I am sitting here looking at a blank screen, going what do I have to write about. Not much lately. So maybe I will just hurl words into the darkness, and wait for that echo. I had another episode last night, and find that they are harder and harder in middle-age. They have taken a toll on me, and I really wish they would just go away.

Not much to look forward to, other than winter. Ick.


I need a life.


Life goes on......

Victim vs. Slave? Slave vs. Doormat?

 "The quality of decision is like the well-timed swoop of a falcon which enables it to strike and destroy its victim." ~Sun Tzu ~



I keep reading such things all over the forums, and blogs, "I am not a doormat." and other such forms of that. What does it mean to be a doormat, I say it means to be a victim.

victim  1 .a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency:  2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion. 3. a person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed: war victims. 4. a living creature sacrificed in religious rites.


doormat  1. (Clothing, Personal Arts & Crafts / Textiles) a mat, placed at the entrance to a building, for wiping dirt from shoes. 2. Informal a person who offers little resistance to ill-treatment by others.

Sounds pretty much like the same thing to me. Perhaps to some just a matter of semantics, but if you regard the meaning, doormat=victim. No where in there do I see where it means to be a slave in the terms of submissive.
 
slave 1. One bound in servitude as the property of a person or household. 2. One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence.
 
I suppose one could be a slave to an influence of victim behavior, but I choose to be empowered in my slavery.
 
empower 1. To invest with power, especially legal power or official authority. See Synonyms at authorize. 2. To equip or supply with an ability; enable.
 
I lived long enough in the victim state, and I caved in that state too many times, and now I choose to be empowered in my slavery. To be equipped with knowledge that enables me to live it in such a way that I no longer have to be a victim. I have the right to choose. I have the right to tell the world, "I am not a doormat."
 

Life goes on.........

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

This is how I feel today, defeated.

And keep asking myself, is my "Friday" right around the corner?

I hope so, I am tired of being tired, and feeling defeated. I am tired of getting up each and every day and trying to not feel defeated. I won't go into details, but I am just fucking tired.

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. but it's better

to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing

what you're fighting for."

  ~Paulo Coelho~

And that about sums it up, if I know what I am fighting for, that is different, but lately, some of the battles I have no idea what they are, or if they are even included in my dreams.

On a brighter note, I went to a benefit for a friend on Saturday night, and it was very nice. It is nice to see family, friends and a community come together for a good cause.

And Slick is turning 19 on Tuesday. Wow, my youngest and time sure flies. He won't be here this year, he is going to spend the week with the sperm donor. The very first year I haven't spent his birthday with him. That sucks.

All I have to say, is I hope my "Friday" hurries.

Life goes on.......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

Just think, only two more days til Friday. So many people look forward to the weekend, and I just look forward to getting better, or getting stronger.

The death of a loved one has taken its toll in so many ways that I cannot even begin to describe. Nor do I want to go into too many details. I am left with the aftermath and I am still angry. And that does no good for me, or my problems with PTSD, or anxiety or the other number of disorders I suffer with. I am trying to get past the anger, I am trying to get past the part where I have no idea what direction my life is heading, but death changes that. I keep trying to put some structure into my life, and I keeping falling down.

I have almost completely locked myself in my bedroom. I go out, but only if I absolutely have to. I try to have a normal relationship, well as "normal" as I am, but I find myself not doing that very well either. I wonder at times if I am too hard, or too demanding in my needs. My goal for last year was to try and start living life again and it still appears to be my goal for this year.

I have taken these four walls of my bedroom and made it my "safe" place, only it isn't, but I suppose it is the safest place I have in my life, or as safe as anyplace can be right at this time in my life.

But at times it seems like a prison, or is that I am a prisoner in my own mind. Locked in a dark, scary place where there is no escape? I would like to think there is an escape, but then I think of my past, and my present, and wonder will I ever get past these things that hinder my future. And there is no answer.

I tried to give myself a year of grief, and found that did not work. I am afraid to get back out there and live again, even though I am trying. I am still afraid. I am tired of being told I am the strong one and I can do it. Can I?

I am tired of people thinking they know me and what I need, only to find out they are giving me nothing I need. I am not blaming this on anyone other than myself. And why I have to put a disclaimer in, I have no idea, perhaps I need validation on why I feel this way, or perhaps just to have validation all by itself.

I usually try to keep it pretty light on here, and then I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I waste my time writing down only part of my thoughts, or afraid someone might read this that knows me, and find out that I am broken.

I made a choice today, a choice to put my life in order, or at least to figure out how to, or figure out what is wrong with it and it is time to allow myself the freedom of expressing thoughts.

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! Get your mind out of the gutters!! This is not about "doing it." This is about life handing you a shove it up your ass, I mean handing you roadblocks. Or whatever you want to call it. I prefer to say, that life just got shoved up your ass a whole lot. 'Nuff said.

It has been a hell of a week, two weeks, a month, two months, a year. And no it isn't time for a year in review. I am sitting here, supposed to be cleaning the house, and I don't wanna. I want to be at the beach, soaking up the sun, not here chilly and feeling like cindrella, and not the part about going to the ball. I am the cindrella, with the rags on, dust on her nose, down on her hands and knees, cleaning. Ick.

Sometimes I think we have too much stuff. Okay, most of the time I think I have too much stuff. Why in the world do we need so much stuff. I was thinking earlier about a simple life, and I barely have room for a simple life. I was searching for places to put things, and found that I am out of room. I guess maybe I should have a sale, or a give-away thingie. Just bag it all up and donate it to Goodwill.

And did I mention middle-age. Egads, menopause, bi-focals, hypothyrodism, just to name a few. Ick.

I am not ready for fall, let alone the upcoming winter. It seems like summer just started and it's almost over. Ick.

Hey, give me some credit, I am trying to think of something good. I really am, but........

I guess I am glad that ......

I have another chance....maybe tomorrow.......

Life goes on......

Close Out Sale!

I am having a close out sale! I retired from the "public scene" a few years back and I have decided to gather some of the stuff left behind by others, and get rid of it.

Here are the promised pictures from the ad I put up on Fetlife.

Thanks for stopping by.

Life goes on........

Walking on eggshells......

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."

~Robert Fritz~

It is like I woke up one morning and found myself angry. Very angry, and I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I so angry?" I really had to stop and think, and analyze and take inventory of my life. I found that anger goes back many years and it is carried into the present, and I pray that it is not carried into the future. For the past year and a half I attributed it to grief and all that entails, but then I realized it went back further than that, and grief only added to the anger. I have been carrying that anger around for too many years. It is bondage of the worse kind. I had to ask myself some very serious questions about that anger, and how in the world do I get rid of it. I found that I am angry because I have compromised my life. All your life you are told, you have to compromise. It should be a pretty easy deal/negotiation, you give up something you want in order to get something else you want more. Or is it?

According to Wikipedia;

"To compromise is to make a deal where one person gives up part of his or her demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance, tolerance. In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a "surrender" of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little."

I had to read that part about human relationships several times before it finally hit home. I have compromised myself to the point I have given up "myself." Not in the healthy manner either, but in a very unhealthy one. I had a dream when I was younger of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a stay at home wife, and take care of my husband. That was all I wanted out of my life, until one day my father told me that I had to have more out of life. I should WANT more out of life. So I compromised and told him I would go in the Navy, since he was former Navy. The day I went for my physical the doctor told me I was pregnant. My father was not happy to say the least. My life changed that day, or did it change that day or the day I changed and compromised.

I simply gave up that dream I had as a young girl. It did not fit in with the times, even though I was raised to be a wife in the 70's, every where I went and dared to tell someone that dream, they told me that was a silly dream. I should aspire for a career, be my own person, be independent, don't depend on a man for your happiness, and the list goes on and on. I caved, I listened I did what was expected of me, even in my rebellion, I still did as was expected. After all I was my father's daughter and he told me those very same things long ago.

And rebel, yes I did plenty of that. I took marriage and made a sham out of it. I married for many reasons, many times, not out of love, but for other reasons, and rubbed it in society's face. I found the lifestyle and changed the term, husband and wife to master and slave and promised myself I would never compromise myself in that. I simply compromised in what I wanted and changed it to be something else, and hoped that maybe I would be accepted into an unconventional lifestyle. I compromised again, over and over. The anger continued to build. I felt like I failed so many times, giving up my own traditional values of what I believe/d in.

I fell into trap after trap of finding the "wrong" kind of men. Men who wanted me to change me into something I was not, or men who expected me to change because they could not fit into what I needed and they made me feel as if I was the one who was failing, instead of them failing me. They expected me to compromise with nothing in return. I am not saying every single relationship I have been in has been like that, it hasn't, but the majority of them have been. I gave up checklists years ago in what I wanted from a relationship because I got tired of wrestling for my needs/wants/desires. I gave up so many expectations because I got tired of people telling me they were wrong, and I should not expect so much from one mere mortal.

I have been walking on eggshells for years. I have been walking on eggshells of anger, resentment, rage, sadness, and so many other emotions.

I feel at times I have been tricked into accepting less than what I first set out for. And then I wonder why did I compromise myself to the point I am now a mere shell myself. I also have to wonder is it too late to start over? Is it too late to set my sites on what I wanted as a young girl, only tailoring it to my needs as they are today? Is 53 way too late to even start thinking of what I should have done, or what I could do differently? Is love supposed to be that way? Is it supposed to reach the point that you give so much, or compromise so much that you are left with nothing but a shell?

Is it fair for another person to expect that much compromise? Even if love is involved? Does that much compromise in a relationship promote a healthy one, or a recipe for disaster? I am a traditionalist and I have tried to fit in a non-traditional world, maybe it is time I go back to those traditions and live as I feel I was intended. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so angry anymore. Maybe I could return to feeling as if my shell was filled again. I guess that part is up to me, for I am the one who compromised myself.



Does anyone have a broom? It is time to quit walking on all these eggshells.

Life goes on.....





I dare you......

How much posturing goes on in life, more so in our lifestyle than any other place I have seen. It is like some put on a mask, a cloak and posture all over the place and I have to sit here and wonder why. It seems to be coming out more and more. Or should I say "they" seem to be coming out more and more. No, this is not my cynical take on life, this is my watching, studying and observing people. Coming into contact with self-professed lifestylers. People who supposedly live by those credos. And once again I will put a disclaimer on this*****This is for those that allegedly live by their lifestyle creed.******This is not meant for those that engage in role play online games or are merely players in the lifestyle. This is meant for those who posture themselves all over the place, professing to be someone they are not.




How can you claim to be a slave and profess to give it all up, to surrender heart, mind, body and soul if you run home to your vanilla husband and rule the roost. How can you claim to be a slave/submissive if you only choose to surrender when it is easy, or convenient. How can you claim to be a slave/submissive and have agreed to a power exchange relationship, but yet you don't want to do this or that because it might interfere with your night out with the girls. How can you be a slave if all you want is kinky sex.



How can you claim to be a master if you run home to your vanilla wife, and are henpecked. How can you claim to be a master just because that is the title you put on your checklist, and your life is in a mess. How can you claim to be a master if you secretly and behind closed doors want to be submissive to a woman. How can you claim to be a master if you cannot even control yourself, let alone a slave/submissive. How can you be a master, if you do not "understand" the dynamics. How can you be a master if all you want is kinky sex.



People are cheating themselves, and worse, they are cheating others by posturing. By not being true to who you are, or who you say you are. To stand there and make declarations of living a lifestyle and slamming others for not living that very same way. When it is a sham, a lie, just another form of posturing. How can there possibly be any satisfaction in that. How can anyone build a lasting relationship like that. How can anyone look them self in the mirror each day, and think they are being true to who their claim is to be.



Give to to me straight. I want it right out there, straight and upfront. It does not matter to me what your position is, what your label is, what your preference is but I want it straight. I want to make my own judgements on whether I will like you or not, built on who you are, not who you want me to think you are. I want to be able to decide what purpose it has on my own life, if any at all. I don't think respect is earned, I think respect it is given, by truth, honesty, and by giving it to someone straight.



The Posers out there only cheapen what we call our lifestyle, hurting others and destroying that respect. Why is it so hard to just be yourself. I challenge you all who are reading this to try it for one day, those that are posturing, just be yourself. You might like it! And the others might find that there is one less poser out there to deal with. Perhaps this is our gift in life. To be ourselves so that others can make a conscience decision:



1.The inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.

2. The complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

3. An inhibiting sense of what is prudent.



Again, this is not meant as anything other than my own needs. I do not care who you are, I only care what you are, in living by the very same principals I live, you are yourself. I am a slave, but does that mean I am any less of a mother, sister, daughter, lover, friend. I am a mother, but does that make me any less of a slave. I can be a bitch at times, but does that make me any less of a slave. It might get me in trouble and I will bear the consequences but it makes me simply me.



Wouldn't it be nicer to just see this, than someone who claimed to be a master and wanted your all but yet did nothing to take that all. Wouldn't it be nicer to see this than a slave who only wanted a collar for that status symbol, and yet did nothing to give her all. At least it would give us the options. At least it would give us a choice. And I can bet that there would be less hurts in our lifestyle. This is supposed to be a lifestyle full of open choices, full of having those needs/wants/desires filled. So come on then, let's live it as it was intended.



Give it to me straight. I am taking it myself. And every day I search, I seek, I question, have I lived up to that integrity, that ole adage , “To thine own self be true…..” For we cannot have truth without change. Self-discovery is a hard road to take. But if we give our life to another at the cost of loosing who we are in the process, we will have a hard time living up to being true to ourselves. But if that other person was untrue to who they are, a vicious circle starts. The snowball effect. So let's just start being true to our own self.

"Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself."

~EMILE CIORAN~

A challenge to yourself. Are you ready to take it?


Life goes on.............


With this ring I thee wed......

Not exactly something you would expect to see on my blog, wedding rings. An interesting topic tho, not weddings, but the representation of what a wedding ring means in comparison to a collar. And I kinda hijacked a thread from Fetlife in regards to, is a wedding ring like a collar? It is interesting to read the many that do not think they are anything alike, and very few think they are alike as far as the commitment goes.

Here is the question I am tossing out there, we are in a style of life that we live every single day, we don't don the collars at whim, nor remove them at whim, (Not in the context of how I live my life.) Nor do we take or give those collars lightly. But how much goes along with those collars being the representation of being, 'owned'?

Vs. marriage.

When you are married you set the limits, the boundaries of what you will deal with and what you will not. You discuss things such as children, monies, property, and the likes. You are entering a contract and that contract is supposed to be, "Til death do us part." You prepare for marriage. You blend two separate worlds into one. The same as you do when you are collared. You had better know your Master before accepting his collar, just as he had better know you also. Because that leads to my second part of this. How much do we give up when becoming collared. That is where marriage and this way of life crosses and people start to question.

People don't have a hard time accepting if you give it all up to your husband, actually it is expected. But if you would do that for the Master, people start to ask why, and how much trust do you have that you would give it 'all' up to a Master. With that question there are tones of not having much trust in the one who owns you and is responsible for you. How can we say that we give up our lives but yet hold our assets into check. Hiding them away in a safe little nest so that JUST IN CASE it doesn't work out, we will have something to fall back on. How can we honestly and openly wear that collar with that in mind. How can we say that we have entered into a Master and slave relationship fully if we are holding back. That would be like saying, "You have my heart, my mind, my soul and flesh, but you can't have any say in "my" personal life!"

So how much trust do you need in a Master/slave relationship? Less or more than a conventional marriage? Or does it really compare. I have witnessed many saying that a Master/slave relationship goes so much deeper than a marriage, but then to say that you can only give so much until you get to know someone better, does not ring true. How can you say someone has full control and full responsibility and hold parts back. I really do not understand this pattern of thinking. You get the collar, you are owned, why in the world would you want to put restrictions on that, limitations on that, or reservations on that. If you do NOT trust him enough, why would you wear his collar in the first place.



Why would you pledge to honor, obey, and trust if you did not take time to get to know him before making that decision. Shouldn't that decision have already been made before slipping that collar around your throat. Kind of like that wedding ring, there has to be established trust already, to share/give your life to another. And going one step further with that type of power exchange of Master/slave, if that isn't there, what are you exchanging. A part-time relationship, which in a TPE has no basis for part-time. That is kind of like being equal partners if you ask me. And not what a Master/slave relationship is all about. I believe that is only playing at the dynamics, perhaps because "you" meaning the collective you wishes for playtime, a status quo symbol, instead of a symbolic meaning. So many collars have turned into ''velcro" these days and the commitment level is not there. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say, "We will be together as long as it lasts." What happened to forever?



I take the meaning of a collar serious. It means that I am his for life, until he dictates otherwise. That ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in my life is his and he is privy to anything about my life that he wishes to know. That I am not allowed to hold anything back in that. I must be transparent and trust explicitly. Whatever he wishes, is his. That means that I do as he says and do not question unless he allows it. I trust his judgement, I trust his call, I trust each and every thing he does. I trust him, period. I do not have the right to pick and choose what I will "allow" and what I will "not allow". That trust NEEDS to be there, on both sides. He has no right to collar if he cannot accept the responsibilities and accountability's, just as I have no right to bitch and moan if that "collar" does not fit my needs.

I think it is in all how people look at both, whether it be a wedding ring or a collar. Both people have to decide on the level of commitment they are looking for and go for it. One cannot be afraid of marriage, or be afraid of a collar, or be afraid of, "forever" and the other person isn't. Both people need to agree and hold the same beliefs in the meanings or it becomes cheapened in my humble opinion.



With this collar I thee surrender.......



Life goes on.......

Break free of those chains.

"Freedom is living without chains."

~Indra Devi~

Some chains we can live without, and in this instant I mean "without".  It seems like my themes of late have been about "bondage", but bondage of another kind. Not the good kind, but the bad kind. And yes there is a bad kind of bondage. I have been living in it for years and I want to be free. I have been living with the past all wrapped around me, and now it is time for it to go. Do I think it will be that easy, no.

I was thinking tonight about all those chains we allow ourselves to be tangled up in, and how to break free of those chains. For me, I think I will need an axe, or perhaps a welder. Yes they are tight and constrictive, and my quest is how to break free of those chains. How to cut them away til I am free. Free to live life as I want/need. Sometimes those chains come in the form of guilt, and I think that one can be the most confining at times.

I have to ask myself why in the world do people try to make you feel guilty. Because they can I guess. Because we allow them to? Because they are not happy in their own lives? I really don't have the answers but I keep wondering why. And then there are the chains that are engulfing, and seem to take away our breath at times. And then there are the chains that hold us tight and refuse at times to let us budge. We become still wrapped tightly in those chains.

It is time. It is time to try and break free of those chains, and wrap myself in freedom.

Life goes on......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

The middle of the week, a time for me to reflect on what has been going on this past week, a time to get excited for the weekend. I am trying to get excited for the weekend, but the schedules are all messed up and I have to get used to another one. I hate change in some ways. It throws me off balance and takes my structure away. I need more structure in my life, I need more balance in my life. I need more direction in my life. It feels like I am out there floundering around again. And it gives me panic attacks and ulcer attacks.

I have been back in my house for over a year now, and it still needs organized. I worked some on it tonight, and think I should put an ad up on Craigslist:

Free to good home.

A 21 year old Diva complete with boyfriend and a cat, and all kinds of junk stuff.

A 18 year old male with a cat, and all kinds of junk stuff.

All their friends that hang around, sleep on the couch and eat.

I think that pretty much says it all. After all it is all FREE!

I tried to make Diva go through all her clothes that are in the laundry room, and her response, "Well I don't want them all!" Well duh, I could tell that, some of them have been sitting there in baskets since we moved back. So I organized them tonight and told her they were either going in her room, or out the door. Think that will work?

And when I made dinner, spinach raviolis, they all looked at me like I had three heads. Forgive me please, that it did not have meat in it. I think I will tell them I have went Vegan and see their reactions.

I need a vacation. A long over-due vacation. Someplace where the younger generation will not find me.

I need a maid.

I need a new frame of mind I guess.

I wonder what would happen if I put an ad up on Craigslist that said;

HELP!!!!

Life goes on........



Prisoner of my Past.

"I began to feel that, in a sense, we were all prisoners of our own history."

~Roland Joffe~

I am starting to feel like a prisoner of my past. It haunts me almost daily. For those of you who did not follow my past blog, I suffer from PTSD, and at times panic attacks, and slight agoraphobia. "We" named them episodes, and lately they have been assaulting me quite a bit. I have a few ideas why, the number one being that I am in a new relationship and perhaps I feel guilty from the past relationship. It is hard to get closure when the person you were with, dies, but yet you are the one left to carry on, and live life. I know that relationship was not healthy, it did not work as well as I thought it once did, but the point being, it is too late to worry about it anymore. Or it should be. Or I wish it was.

But I am stuck here behind the "bars" of my past. I am trying to break free of those bars, and get out from behind those walls, but each time I try, I feel that I am failing. I hope that it does not affect my current relationship, but I know it is going to from time to time. It has. I am very lucky I have a patient man in my life. I only hope that it continues, I hope he continues to have the patience that I need. He left here earlier today after spending a couple of days together, and this weekend was better than last weekend! Last weekend wasn't real great on my part, I was a bitch as much as I hate to say it, I was. Not intentional, but the bottom line I was. I had a really crappy week last week, and not even sure what happened.

Ever since I have been on a journey to figure out why I am still behind those walls. I have asked myself if I was conditioned or manipulated, or whatever, and all I could come up with, it happened. I may never know the reasons why, I may always have to ask the question, but the bottom line, I need to get out from behind those walls and start living my life again. Being a prisoner is like being a victim and I refuse to be a victim anymore. I chant to myself that I am with "Mister" now, and it is a new and different relationship and if I don't get my life together, there might not be another chance to escape those bars. I have found myself very scared and that is halting a lot of my journey. I don't want to be stuck behind bars anymore.

I have been asking myself why do we do these things to ourselves, but then again, do we, or do we allow others and circumstances to do that to us. I think it is both, that we make choices, and often the wrong choices, and then we are stuck with the consequences. We often take the blame for other people, when we shouldn't. I guess that is a human trait, and something we need to learn not to do. I guess when they say love is blind, often times it is. Or maybe it wasn't love, maybe it was something else, only thinking it was love.

Anyway, I am on a mission to break free of that prison.

Life goes on......

Broken.

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul, if either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction."~Kahlil Gibran~

I had a person ask me today if I thought I was "broken" due to the way I choose to live my life. I had to think about that one for a moment, really think and a quote came to mind. And with that quote I had to think more, for how can you have reason and passion together working as one, but then through that quote, I realized you have to have both to work, one without the other will not work. So yes, I am broken, I have been tossing about for some time now. Not at a standstill, but tossing about, like broken glass, all over the place.

But, before I go any further, I think I have been broken in a different way for many years. I am not of the norm, do I choose to live my life as the "norm". I figured that it must be something in my make-up, deep inside of myself that makes me crave the dynamics of Master/slave. I have tried, "nilla", I have many times in the past, and found that it lacks what I "need". Not what I want, or desire, but what I need. It lacks passion, it lacks the reason I need to keep the passion from burning to destruction. I need a man, I need a Master, I need the dynamics that make me thrive and feel less broken. I have read many posts over the years about how submissives/slaves must be broken due to the nature of who they are, what they need, and how desperate they are.

I can relate, I am that person, I am that slave. I need that direction, I need that dominance, I need that structure, I need those rules and rituals, and that absolute power exchange. I would rather hear, "Good girl." than "Nice job." I read things on blogs, on posts, on Fetlife that talk about, physical aspects" of the lifestyle and how they make or break a slave. I disagree. Physical is a mere piece of the pie so to speak, at least for me. The mind, and the soul is what makes it work, what makes me tick. The mental is what makes me thrive and not flounder out there, or floating about with no direction.

I suffer PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from a previous abusive relationship, vanilla. It had nothing to do with M/s. Another broken crack in my make-up. Many would say that I was not broken beforehand, I would disagree again. Why? Because I was looking for an intense Master/slave relationship, and often that line is indiscernible. The line between abuse and mastery. I don't need someone to "fix" me, not in that way. I don't need someone to try to "heal" me, not in that way. What I need is someone to embrace my nature and nurture it in the ways it needs to be.

I can remember when I was a little girl thinking that I needed to be "married" to be whole. That is what I was groomed for, but even in that, my first marriage happened when I was 18 and it was nothing what I expected it to be. He was not the leader of the house, I wasn't the leader of the house, just two kids playing house. I kept searching for that "relationship" I had imagined in my mind, even though I had no idea what that type of relationship was. I did not come from an abusive home, I came from an average middle-class home. I kept wondering how in the world did I come up with a list of needs that were not "average". I kept searching and searching and having people telling me that there must be something wrong with me.

And now at the age of 53, I know from years of experience, I am broken in so many ways. Without that reason and that passion blended together in harmony, I will become more broken and then I will be floating around out there aimlessly. No direction, no sense of "me" left. And I just got out of that, not too long ago. I am still fighting getting "right" within myself. I suffered in a past relationship, and am trying my damnest not to bring it into the previous one. It has not been easy.

How do I determine which type of "broken" is healthy and which type is not? The type that is healthy for me is the type that gives me direction and makes me thrive. The type that is unhealthy is the type that leaves me out there drifting and tossing about.

So in answer to the question, yes I am broken, both the good and the bad. I need to learn to heal, I need to learn to embrace. I need to learn to trust that I am on the right path at times, and not resist. I need to shake free of those shackles that society has placed on me, and put "HIS" on instead. I have no misguided sense that he can heal me of the bad broken, but I do have expectations that he too will embrace the good broken.

Life goes on......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Yes, that is a joke! I do NOT hope your hump day is hot as hell, cuz MINE WAS!

It is hot, really hot, and I will be glad when this heat wave passes.

Living in Illinois leaves a lot to be desired at times. You wait all winter for summer, and then it turns to hot, you can't spend time outside. I just came in from outside and it is still hot and muggy out.

And did I forget to mention that it is hot?

I hope it breaks soon. My air conditioning bill is going to be out of this world! And cooking is pretty much out, who wants to start the oven or the stove with the air conditioner already working overtime. I guess I will just have to pretend I am living a life of luxury. I had dinner out, or should say in, take out, in.

 

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Wow. Long week already. I have had a LONG week, and still two more days to go til Friday.

Thank goodness it is hump day, although I wish it were Friday. Two more days. Two more days til I see him. I know that I talk to him every night on the phone, but that is not the same as having him in my bed. I have a shirt he leaves me every weekend with his scent, that I am to wear to bed every night, but it is not the same as having him in my bed with his scent.

I miss him.

 This week has not been fun, this week I will be glad when it is over. I came to some revelations this week about my past, and I cannot say I like them. I guess when you go digging into your past, you have to be careful what you will "dig" up and I dug up some pretty heavy duty stuff from my past. Now I have to get rid of that stuff from my past. I know the memories will never go away, but the baggage, needs to go. "Nuff said."

I have been reorganizing my life this past week, actually this past year, and I ran across some things that I know I no longer need, and certain things need to be put in order. I have two more bags of stuff going to Goodwill, and I just hauled out two bags to the garbage. I know that some of the stuff I could have saved and donated, but sometimes you just have to what you have to do. Put certain things out for the trash! Get rid of it!

I was thinking to myself how nice that would be if we could do that with certain memories, just get rid of them. But nooooo, instead we have to let them come to mind over and over, and at times they feel like they are going to drive us nuts. And then they refuse to leave our minds, playing over and over and over, until we feel like screaming. Oh wait, I have done that before.

I have opted for a simple life. I want, and need simple. I am tired of complex. I am tired of jumping through hoops and living on that razor's edge of life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the razor's edge of passion, just not in every day life. I need my rituals, I need that structure. I need that daily life of simple structure. And for that to happen, I had/have to clear my mind of some of the past. Spring Cleaning done a little late, but better late than never, I guess.

"Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life."

~Budda~

So right now, I am right where I am, and refusing not to miss life again. I have in the past. I have missed parts of my life, not being where I was. I was trying to be someplace else. Always running ahead and not living in those moments. There are reasons, there are justifications, but the bottom line, at times I compromised too much. At others, I simply did not know, nor understand, and yet at other times, people deceived, and lied, and I ended up living those lies with them, perhaps unknowingly, but still living them.

This time, at this part of my life......I am merely going to be, "me" and all that entails.

Life goes on.........

Constraints of Society.

"Western women have been controlled by ideals and stereotypes as much as by material constraints."

~Naomi Wolf~

I have been sitting here thinking about the constraints of society, those that are put on women, and those that women put on themselves. No, this is not a post about Women's Lib, or anything like that. It is what society deems necessary for the way a woman must live life. In the norm, of the norm, and within the norm. If we do not bow down and live within society, we are labeled, "nonconformists". Not that there is anything wrong with nonconforming, but there is something wrong with following the crowd.

Even in the lifestyle that I live. I read many posts on forums about how one "must" live the lifestyle. How one "must" conform and go by the "rules". What rules I had to ask myself? The rules set out by people, a checklist written by someone that I do not know. The rules laid out there by another that I am not involved with. Even at times when I mention I am a "slave", I am met with an argument, or I am met with someone telling me that I shouldn't "do" that. I do not want to be empowered, I want to be enslaved.

I have always felt trapped by society's rules, wrapped in the barbs of life, waiting for a man to come along and take me out of those trappings and put me in "his". And then people ask me, isn't that exchanging one prison for the other. No, of course it isn't. It is living within the realms of who I am, who I was destined to be, that inherent nature that beats inside of me. So do I live in not only the constraints of society, but also in the constraints of our lifestyle?

No. I refuse. Do I conform to parts of society, absolutely. Do I conform to parts of the lifestyle, absolutely. Am I controlled by ideals and stereotypes and material possessions? To an extent, yes. I am a woman, and am stereotyped as such. I am a slave and stereotyped often as, a victim. Why you ask? Many people think that a slave is broken, that a slave is nothing more than a doormat, that a slave has abuse issues. Am I controlled by ideas, at times yes. But those that I learned a long the way, not the ones that I find on a forum, or a checklist. But instead those that work for "me".

Am I controlled my material possessions? Yes I am. I need a house, I need a car, I need a warm place to be and all the comforts of "home". But do I need those material possessions just because I want them? Or do I need those material possessions just to keep up with the "neighbors". No.

Am I controlled by the "need" for a man? Yes, I am. But not because society tells me I need one. Actually they tell you the opposite now. It used to be the woman was made by the man she married, and now she is made by herself. I would have to say that the man will define me. That the man will be the one that sets my rules and my role. Without the Master, I would not be a slave. Without my Master, I would not be his slave, and would not be defined.

I need those constraints put on by him, I do not need all the constraints of society. I need the blend of both worlds.

Life goes on.....



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! 

It is that time of week again, two more days til Friday!

Have some fun!

Time for an update. I know I have been lazy busy lately, and haven't posted much about "life". I really didn't want to bore you all, nor did I want to pour out my heart and soul on these pages.

As most of you know, I passed the big anniversary date of the past year. And due to that past year, haven't kept up with postings/bloggings. Not that a lot happened this past year, but I finally made it to the year mark, and I have to say, thank goodness!

I for one am glad to put that year behind me. Now it is time to start living again, not that I stopped completely, but there were times it was pretty close. I had to adjust to being "single" again, and that was hard. And then I had to decide where I wanted my life to go, and how I wanted it to go. I decided a couple of months back, I was going to be the "crazy rambling cat woman, with no cats." But then Diva had to do and ruin that, by getting a cat, actually a baby kitty, but still a cat!

Although I have to say, the kitty is confined to her bedroom, and "that" end of the house, so I couldn't even claim that as my own. ~la sigh~ How could I be a crazy rambling cat woman now.

Yes, Diva and Slick still live with me. ~another la sigh~ And on Sunday Diva is going to be 21. The big 21~! Yay! I didn't say she was moving out, I just said she was turning 21. I think I will have that "child" forever. I really do. I mean, really, really, really do. She informed me that I had to make her a jello-cake, and had to have the family over, and had to do this and had to do that. Like I said, she is turning 21, but NO future plans on moving out. As a matter of fact, her boyfriend stays here most of the time too.

And you are probably wondering, why am I bitching, er stating that I am single. 

I have also learned how to be my own handyman. Not really, but that is why they have now created all those wonderful Youtube videos, for DYI's. Have I learned how to do all those DYI's? No, but the videos are interesting. I have managed to learn how to plumb your own toilet, hang up shelving units, fix screen doors, and a number of other handy, dandy home projects. I said I learned how, I didn't say I did it!

I actually thought about putting up an ad on Craigslist, for a handyman.

Wanted: Handyman/Alpha Male. I need some projects done around the house. I need some BIG projects and little projects. You must be able to work weekends and Holidays. Married men need not apply. Anyone under 45 need not apply.
Did I mention that I am looking for an alpha male?
Anyone looking for an easy lay, need not apply.
Anyone looking for a casual lay, need not apply.
Anyone looking for a one-night stand need not apply.
Did I mention that I am looking for an alpha male?
Must have your OWN tools.
You must know how to "fix" things.
And last but not least, did I mention that I am looking for an alpha male?

I said I was THINKING about it, I didn't say I was going to do it.

And guess what?

Life goes on........

The big red check marks in life.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

You are probably wondering why the title, the red check mark and the quote. How in the world will they tie into one blog post. Remember, the crazy, rambling lady? Me? I know I haven't posted in a long time, and I know that I keep telling myself that I have to get off my butt and post. And then I don't. There have been times I was feeling sorry for myself, the things I have went through the past year, and living in that self-pity. So let's just say I put a red check mark on that self-pity and correct it.

Remember when you were in school, and the teacher would get out the brightest red pen/pencil, he/she could find, and put those dreaded red check marks all over your paper? That is how I see life lately, full of red check marks that need to go away! All from the person who hates check lists, and checking off those little boxes of multiple choice. I want concrete answers, or at least answers that could read as;

D). All of the above.

So instead of being allowed all of the above, I am going to go by those red check marks in life. Those things that I know I do not want, or do not need in my life. Things that I have experienced and realized they are not for me. Those things that I have put a red check mark upon them myself. I am on a journey, a journey of self-discovery, the things in my life that I need/want/desire, and asking myself where I am going. Where do I want to see myself. Basically I am starting over, or should say, I am "starting again". Something I did not think I would be doing at 53.

When I think about how I am going to get back out there, and up on that proverbial horse again, it is a scary thought. I know some people say, "JUST DO IT!", but that doesn't work for me in those regards. I have so many walls that I have been working on tearing down, and that does not allow for me to just do it, as I used to. And on the other hand, I often think of doing just that, getting out there and just doing it. Whatever "it" entails.

I know that I am lost without structure in my life, but the wrong kind of structure doesn't work either. I know that I am lost without that man in my life, giving me that kind of structure that I need. I know that many people think and have stated, "You don't need a man in your life to be happy, you have to first be happy within yourself." What a stupid cliche. I am not saying that you shouldn't be happy within yourself, what I am saying is that at times you need that other part of your circle to be happy.

I could sit here and build my life and be happy, as happy as I could be, but without that man that I need to give me what I need, am I really happy. Or perhaps am I just like many others who fake happiness so the outside world never has to see the hurt. Or the missing parts. And then reality slaps me in the face, and I realize I am limited in what I can have for what I need. And that is where negotiations come into play in life. Not red check marks per Se, but I have to weigh the possibilities just to see if they require the red check mark, and sometimes there is no right answer, and that red check mark is there to stay.

I wonder is there a man out there who is willing to put those red check marks up for me?

I am very glad at times like this, that....

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!!! May it be at least HOT weather wise, it sure isn't here! It is cold, raining and just crappy outside. It feels like winter, but alas that is Spring in Illinois. I want it to be warm! Yes, I am whining. I am tired of the cold, snow, winter, and all that. I have a friend I talk to in Florida, and she loves to rub it in what her weather has been like while I am up here freezing my ass off! Her payback will come soon! And she knows what I mean!

On other news this week, I turned 53, and it sucks. It feels old, and yes I know it is nothing more than a number, and whomever said that lied. It is middle age, no matter how you put it. And trust me, my body knows I am 53. I may not look like it outside, but inside I am every  bit of 53. I was talking to my girlfriend who is almost 40, and we were talking about how some men our ages, seem to go for the younger women. I guess a lot want that youth, having someone young makes them feel young?

But then I have Diva and Slick who live with me, and all their friends who are constantly around, so that is enough youth for me. Sometimes TOO much youth! Last week alone with all of them in and out, we went through like six cases of Mountain Dew! I had to hide my Dr. Pepper in my closet. And we won't even talk about my grocery bill! How I got from middle-age to that, who knows. The ramblings of the mad woman.

But all in all, I did have a good birthday. My mom came over and cooked for me that day, I had my kids, and family, and got lots of goodies, so it was a good birthday. Still going through that first year after The Bastard's death, hitting each birthday, the holidays and all that, and almost done with this first year. In May come the big ones, and I am not looking forward to that at all. But......

Life goes on.......

Confusion.

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." ~Robert McCloskey~


I was sitting wondering if I should put a disclaimer in this blog post, saying it is NOT a rant about men, but a post about myself. Hm, looks like I just did.

Men say that women are complicated and complex, and that all men want are two things, basic needs met....feed them, fuck them and shut up. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it when looking at it that way. And maybe I should base it off of those basic needs, but I have to say I don't always see it that way. Men confuse the hell out of me!

Don't take that the wrong way, I find them fascinating and incredible, but they still confuse me. I realize that in this way of life, that the alpha men rule and we meaning the slaves do not have to understand them in order to serve them. What I do mean is I am filled with confusion. My logical analytical side of the brain cannot join the passionate side of the brain. It doesn't work for me. I want to shout my questions into the Universe and then I want that very same Universe to answer them!

I can be very shy at times, and very timid when learning to approach a man. Once engaged and I know his intentions are clear, I can still be very shy and timid but it turns to a different kind. But how does one go about knowing if his intentions have anything to do what I may think they have to do with. Even with questions, asking them questions, they don't always answer the way I needed to hear. And by needed I mean that it is not clear enough for me, so that only adds more questions to that question.

Confused yet?

I am!!

And why am I looking for double meanings? Because men are confusing! And since I am the type of woman who needs to be pleasing, I question myself so many times, it leads to insecurity. So I am left wondering how to do this without it being so difficult. It is like a glorious mind fuck without an orgasm at times. So I guess I will just have to ride the wild waves of confusion and see where it leads.

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings-Update.

Happy Hump Day!

Go out and hump someone today!

Whew. This is not only a middle of the week musings, also an update. An update on what you ask, since my life isn't very exciting lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking and musing.

I have been sick for over a week now, some nasty flu I picked up and can't shake the cough. It took a lot out of me, and there were days during that I lost my energy and am still recovering and trying to catch up from being exhausted. It also did not leave my mental state in very good condition, it brought up a lot of questions and it gave me a lot of time to think.

This past year sucked and I mean really sucked. First I lost my husband/lover/owner and then I lost my uncle. I have had to deal with death too much this past year. Grief sucks and it comes in so many forms. It made me lose passion for life, trying to get back up there and out there, and live again. And then I realized I came to depend on The Bastard, and there was nothing wrong in that. For months I felt that I was wrong, and couldn't express many emotions and I felt like I had lost my passion completely. I would cry at the silliest times, and rage at others. I was pissed off, I was sad, depressed, lonely, you name an emotion and I probably had it.

Grief is a lot like a nasty flu, hanging on and it leaves you exhausted. It lingers and refuses to leave until it is damn good and ready. If you think you are not going to have to deal with it, you do. It clings and hangs on and makes you feel miserable. But then a little at a time it leaves you, you won't notice, you will face it at times in the complete darkness, all alone. You will rage at the universe and plead for those elusive answers of why? They never come. And you will hear every cliche in the book and finally after a while, others will get on with their lives and quit asking you those questions, will quit asking how are you doing.

And you will be thankful they have. And then all of a sudden something triggers a memory and you are right back in that hole again. Holidays come and go, anniversaries come and go, special days come and go, and you are stuck in that grief. Remembering things you wish you didn't, you hang onto those memories because that is all you have left. I remember when his smell left his favorite shirt. I can no longer smell him. I can no longer remember what his face looked like, unless I look at his picture.

I no longer dream of him. I think of him, but dream .......nope. Those dreams died the day he did. I took off his collar months ago, but I still wear his wedding ring. I like to think of him standing up there in his way, telling me to get off my ass and get to living again! I know he would be so sad knowing he left me and I had to do it on my own. I knew him well. The anniversary of his death is coming up in May, and then it will be a year. Maybe then I will take off his ring, and maybe I won't. That brand new shiny ring he put on my finger a couple of years ago, with the inscription, 'Here I stand'. Well he doesn't anymore, but his memories sure do.

 And I want to shout at times, spend that time with your kids, your loved ones, don't work so damn much, love like every day is your last!

I want to shout those cliches into the void and hopefully someone will listen. We always hear about stop and take your sweet ass time to enjoy life, slow down, but do we listen to those. Not all the time, not when we should. I have no words of wisdom today. I just have my memories and my thoughts and my musings.

Grief sucks and so does the flu.

And in the middle of it all.....

Life goes on........