"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief....and unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving~
I came to the conclusion that I have been enwrapped in grief. He has been gone for almost nineteen months now and I thought by now I would have been over it. I willed it away, or so I thought. When I took out the Christmas decorations this year, (Something I did not do last year) I found the stockings he made us the year before he died. And then I knew, at that very moment, I have been experiencing grief all this time. I gave myself a deadline of a year, and told myself that I needed to get over it. To move past it, that was long enough to grieve, long enough to complain to my friends and family about how lonely I felt, how sad it made me. How sad I was for him too, that his life was cut short at the age of 48.
I thought that I had to get over it. I told myself that so therefore it should have been true. I still have his pictures up, I still have his memories surrounding me, and I refused to "see" them. I just left them as they were. I mean they were not bothering anyone, so why should I bother them. But when I opened that box that contained all the Christmas decorations, a smile crossed my mouth, not tears, but a smile. He had put everything away so neat and nice, and had everything ready for the next year. But that next year never came for him, and I decided last year not to celebrate much and left the decorations as they were.
I thought I had paid my tributes to him already, and that was enough. I tried to erase those memories and go on with living. Only I realized I had stopped living, and was only pretending to live. I went through the motions, well sort of. But yet never really living again, until I saw those decorations and it hit me. I miss him, and that is okay. It is okay to miss him, it is okay to smile or cry, or whatever emotion crosses into me, at the thought of him. He will always live in my memory, and I plan on keeping it that way.
Never again will I try and erase him from my memory. I will keep him close always, and know that he rests in peace.
Life goes on......
