Middle of the Week Musings.

Hmmm, happy hump day!

It is that time of week again, the middle of the week, two more days til the weekend!

And time for my musings of the week.

I am tired of the snow, ice, sleet, rain, cold, winter, blah, blah, blah. And this week was extra hard, I fell on the ice and hurt my "bad" leg. In case you don't remember, I tore my ACL about a year and a half ago, and it hasn't healed the greatest. So I was still experiencing some stiffness and couldn't bend down all the way, as in kneeling. They opted not to do surgery since the recovery rate wasn't all that great. So I have lived with it, doing as much physical therapy as I could. And the other day I slipped on the ice, yep my leg went right out from under me and I hurt that leg again! Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as I first thought it. I am still having some pain, and more stiffness than before, but I do not think it tore again. So I rested in bed for most of the weekend, just to ensure that if something was wrong, I couldn't damage it further. But as of Monday I was out of bed and up and at it again!

Middle age sucks. It is not a pretty process. When you fall down, you do not spring right back up again like you used to. And I won't even begin to go into all the other things that middle age brings. Needless to say it sucks!

I need some new goals for Spring. I have been trying to find some new goals for Spring. I have way too much time on my hands, and it is time to put aside the numbness of grief and get out there and start living again. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on living, but there were times when it was pretty tough. But I made it through all the Holidays and all I can say is YAY! Not that I celebrated them much, but I did make it through and that was a major accomplishment for me. I am glad they are done.

I have now had a curfew added into my life, yes that' right a curfew. I have to be in bed by 3am. Not that it is unreasonable, but it is taking some getting used to. I am so used to staying up til the sun comes up, that I have had to readjust my schedule, but I am finding myself getting up a little earlier in the morning.

I am finally coming out of that frozen state, and it feels pretty good some days, and I have found that I now view life in a different way. I think I have shed myself completely of the rose-colored glasses that I would don once in a great while. But in that, there are days I wish I had them back, even if only for fleeting moments. Being this jaded isn't always such a grand thing either.

Ooh well.....

Life goes on......

A fish out of water.

Lately I feel like a fish out of water, out here floundering around no direction, just out here trying to catch the next breath. I know not what one would expect the day before Valentine's Day, but perhaps it is necessary to express these thoughts and feelings. I belong to several forums and several discussion groups, and I have noticed many fit into these nice neat little containers of what they want in their lives, and what they expect out of their lives. And here I am not fitting into any container, just out here floundering around. That is a good word, even has an erotic ring to it. Flounder.

I love passions, and often lived on them in the past, and still do to some extent, but lately I have found that I need that "container", that "bowl" so to speak. I need the confines of structure. Without it, it doesn't work. Being a submissive(slave), without the confines of structure just doesn't work at all for me. I have been left wondering if I need that micro-management of long ago. That I used to have long ago and have no longer. And I am left here wondering how to place that structure into my own life, without compromising who I am. But I have found that impossible, that one does not put that type of structure into place. I can do the other structure but this one, no. It doesn't work.

So maybe I need to find myself a bowl to live in, because it is not fun to sit out here and flounder, even tho I like the word. The concept of being without those structures is not fun. For instance, if I do not have a curfew I stay up too late. Could I put one into place in my own life, of course I could try, but knowing myself as I do it is always one more minute for this, or one more minute for that until the sun comes up. If I do not have a direction my life is all over the place. I need those established rules and rituals. I miss them.

Hopefully one day I can find my way back into the bowl.

Life goes on......