Middle of the Week Musings-Update.

Happy Hump Day!

Go out and hump someone today!

Whew. This is not only a middle of the week musings, also an update. An update on what you ask, since my life isn't very exciting lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking and musing.

I have been sick for over a week now, some nasty flu I picked up and can't shake the cough. It took a lot out of me, and there were days during that I lost my energy and am still recovering and trying to catch up from being exhausted. It also did not leave my mental state in very good condition, it brought up a lot of questions and it gave me a lot of time to think.

This past year sucked and I mean really sucked. First I lost my husband/lover/owner and then I lost my uncle. I have had to deal with death too much this past year. Grief sucks and it comes in so many forms. It made me lose passion for life, trying to get back up there and out there, and live again. And then I realized I came to depend on The Bastard, and there was nothing wrong in that. For months I felt that I was wrong, and couldn't express many emotions and I felt like I had lost my passion completely. I would cry at the silliest times, and rage at others. I was pissed off, I was sad, depressed, lonely, you name an emotion and I probably had it.

Grief is a lot like a nasty flu, hanging on and it leaves you exhausted. It lingers and refuses to leave until it is damn good and ready. If you think you are not going to have to deal with it, you do. It clings and hangs on and makes you feel miserable. But then a little at a time it leaves you, you won't notice, you will face it at times in the complete darkness, all alone. You will rage at the universe and plead for those elusive answers of why? They never come. And you will hear every cliche in the book and finally after a while, others will get on with their lives and quit asking you those questions, will quit asking how are you doing.

And you will be thankful they have. And then all of a sudden something triggers a memory and you are right back in that hole again. Holidays come and go, anniversaries come and go, special days come and go, and you are stuck in that grief. Remembering things you wish you didn't, you hang onto those memories because that is all you have left. I remember when his smell left his favorite shirt. I can no longer smell him. I can no longer remember what his face looked like, unless I look at his picture.

I no longer dream of him. I think of him, but dream .......nope. Those dreams died the day he did. I took off his collar months ago, but I still wear his wedding ring. I like to think of him standing up there in his way, telling me to get off my ass and get to living again! I know he would be so sad knowing he left me and I had to do it on my own. I knew him well. The anniversary of his death is coming up in May, and then it will be a year. Maybe then I will take off his ring, and maybe I won't. That brand new shiny ring he put on my finger a couple of years ago, with the inscription, 'Here I stand'. Well he doesn't anymore, but his memories sure do.

 And I want to shout at times, spend that time with your kids, your loved ones, don't work so damn much, love like every day is your last!

I want to shout those cliches into the void and hopefully someone will listen. We always hear about stop and take your sweet ass time to enjoy life, slow down, but do we listen to those. Not all the time, not when we should. I have no words of wisdom today. I just have my memories and my thoughts and my musings.

Grief sucks and so does the flu.

And in the middle of it all.....

Life goes on........



Are we captured in time?

"Does age poison us, or do we poison age?" ~Astrid Aladua~ 

I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday. It was about age and growing older. It was about turning 53 in a month and feeling that perhaps age has poisoned me. It is about reading on the forums that I belong to, why do middle-aged men seem to pick younger women for the most part. It is that we reach a point in our lives that perhaps we have gained too much experience? It is about that people thrive on youth, and we have forgotten to have that same excitement when we were younger, because of our age and our experience?

Do I feel 52? Yes some days I do, and some days I don't. But what I do feel is that when people "hear" your age and the years I have been in the lifestyle, they are in awe, but many think that you might be "too" old to be of any use. What an oxymoron in so many ways. Some people want to use that experience, by listening, by learning, but when it comes right down to it, do they want to take it upon themselves to take an older mature person on in the ways of ownership. Or do they want a brand new and shiny, that they can mold and shape to their likes and their dislikes.

Can a person be too old to shape and mold to someones desire? Is there anything left? I think so yes, but that is just my humble opinion. Do we reach a stage of burn-out, due to the age, or the poisons of that age? Or perhaps due to other people's take on the age limitations? There is even a group on Fetlife for people over 50! Which is nice to know that, at least we have an old-age home on there too. Somewhere stuffed away as not to bother the youngsters.

Do I sound cynical? Yes, a little. Why? Because I find it funny when someone of say the ripe age of 18, 19, 20, or 20's, try to tell me how to live life. Try to give me advice.  I have lived this lifestyle longer than they have been alive, and I truly do not believe I will learn anything from them. Don't get me wrong, there have been times I have, but for the most part, I have to sit back and smile, wondering where they get their information from. An online venue that may or may not have the right information. I learned my lifestyle before there was an "online". I learned at the feet of men.

I did not put my likes or dislikes in some neat little check boxes. I did not sit there and wonder if I belonged in a group that allowed power exchange, master/slave, dominant/submissive, Gorean, or anything else. I learned at the feet of men. The titles were simple, master/slave. I did not have to learn to write like this, W/we are going to see T/them. I did not learn how to mark off if I am hetero-flexible, bi, straight or master/dom/slave/sub/undecided. I did not have some self-professed man at the ripe age of 21 telling me he was a master, even tho he lived in his mother's house and did not work.

I did not have some young girl of 19 tell me she was a slave because she followed the rituals of her master online, because he said so. They may never meet because he can't leave his wife of 20 years, and has 3 kids but he is 55 and loves her. And hopes to spend the rest of his life with his "slave". I did not learn under a "woman" who is young enough to be my daughter. I learned at the feet of men.

I did not have some man who claimed to be a master but yet has no income, and preys on women, online. Putting up ads that he is looking for a "live in slave", when in reality he should put is looking for, "someone to support me" But I am master hear me growl.  I did not have someone tell me that I do not belong to their group because I do not believe in their every single whim and ways. I learned at the feet of men.

My experience comes from life, I have learned a lot in those years, but what I have learned most in regards to this way of life. I still can be molded, I still can be shaped, and guided, and commanded. At the feet of a man. A man who knows how to master, and is not afraid of that.

So has age poisoned me, sometimes yes, and sometimes no.

And have I poisoned age, you bet I have.

Life goes on.......