Sometimes I feel like every one's maid, scrubbing, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, doing toilets, and all that kind of stuff. But after all I do have two children at home, and did I mention that Diva is 21 and Slick is 19? Not that I could ever expect them to do much, it is a major ordeal if I get them to do the dishes, take out the garbage, anyway you get the idea. But it is not really about being a "slave" to them, it is about the many faces of me. The different thoughts of mine, and how they have changed over the years.
I was trained over the years to be a "submissive/slave" type. I was taught to act proper and how to behave. Only I have to say many times my sarcastic mouth got in the way, and then I learned to tone it down, only to find that I lost myself. I think I was living a fantasy, and forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to be "me." I have this vision of having the perfect Prince Charming, well with a lot of that dominant side. I expected so many things, and more times than not, they did not happen. I have been with some great dominants, don't get me wrong, but I have hid behind myself too. When I did not agree with one of those dominants, I learned to hush and not give a true opinion. I did a blog once of the many faces of Laurie Dawn, but that is not what this one is about. There are times I feel like Cinderella, like the person who had no expectations, but was expected to keep her mouth shut, and just do as she was told.
I know, I know, when bringing up a princess' type most think of a princess slave, one who wants her own way and expects her own way. I just want to be able to feel that I am allowed to be "me" and have expectations, not exactly of the perfect princess, but I want to be me, I am high maintenance, I am needy, clingy, and I want/need to be consumed. I want to be that princess at the end of the ball who gets the perfect fit. It doesn't have to be the perfect likeness as most are probably thinking by now, I just want it to fit. I want to be allowed to be me in all of that. I am not going to change, and I want to be accepted for me. I don't fit into the molds that I did at the beginning of this journey, nor do I fit in the molds that I did in the middle of this journey. I have learned, I have learned to be cynical, jaded, needier, and even more high maintenance.
I guess what I am trying to say, life has left me jaded, I used to give out a list of needs/wants/desires, and I still have that list, but I have added and taken away certain things over the years. I want a man to know me, and learn me, and be able to handle me, without thinking that I am throwing down a challenge, just by simply knowing me. I want to be allowed to act like myself at times, and not be looked down upon and called something I am not. I have heard that you can be anything in this lifestyle, in this way of life, and I want to be me. I have been hiding behind too many walls for too many years, and I want someone to drag me out. I have been a wallflower for a while now, and I want someone to yank me up and dance with me in the darkness, and in the light.
Life goes on......
1 comment:
Interesting. I wonder if this is about a certain stage in the journey of life? Maybe it just takes a number of years at it all to realize that trying to fit someone else's vision just doesn't cut it... not for a slave, not for a princess, not for a little girl in a woman's body, not for a grown woman with miles under her belt. Not. I hope that you find what makes you feel like "you."
All the best,
swan
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