Substance.

 

 

Substance is something I crave. Substance is something I need. And I am not talking about that kind of substance that fills you up to the point you couldn't eat another bite. I am talking about life substance. About the kind of substance that I need in my universe. I am talking about the 'meat' of the matter. That type of substance that clings inside and fills me up. I have needed that type of substance way before I realized what it was/is. And once I did, I knew that I had to have even more. I think it goes even deeper than a base need, it goes to this desperate quiet place inside that brews and bubbles away until it is fed. That need goes to the core of who I am. Kind of hard to put into words, but I know that I must have 'it'. Without it I do not thrive. Without it I kind of wither inside but yet at the same time, it boils more to the point of boiling over and turning into an obsession.

I am talking about the core inside me that needs that power exchange, that need to be mastered, that need to be made complete. For most of my life I have heard something similar to, "You don't need a man to be happy." Wanna bet! I do, and will dispute that. For years that has made me feel like a freak because I do and desperately. I have heard it from my mother, my sister, family, friends, and just plain in general. Can I live on my own? Can I support myself? Can I raise children all alone? Yes, and I have. But there is one part that did not feed me in all that. Where was the substance. Where was that deep seated need fed. It wasn't and therefore I was not complete.

A friend and I were talking the other day about this, and how my 'need' came to be. For as long as I remember I have had that need. I can remember formulating ideas in my head at an early age of what I needed in that and even then I felt like a freak. I learned that it did not fit in with the other girls I hung with. They wanted marriage and I wanted so much more. Some of them wanted to go off and be independent. After all I was raised in the 60's and 70's where women's lib was just coming into play. Burning bras and all that and I would hear these rants about how NO women needed a man to make her happy. I wanted to stand up and shout, "WRONG!" but in my quiet journey, I didn't.

I was married the first time at 18, but only because I was dumb and got pregnant. That sure didn't last long, because there was no substance to it. He fed none of my needs. A couple more failed relationships and then I took a stand. I wasn't going to settle anymore. I started to search out men that I assumed were powerful in their own rights and through one of them I found an alternative lifestyle. One that showed me men were the leaders, and women were the followers. Oh boy, there was substance in that! That was something I had searched for my entire life. And it fed me. I wanted/needed more and more.

But for a long time it was like living a double life. The outside world kept up their harping about women are equal to men and my world preached that women were not. I felt tugged and pulled in many different directions. I had a powerful job where women were basically equal and I was in charge of men. But in my private life I would dig my fork into the substance and hang on for dear life. I was fighting to be fed that substance. And that is when the desperation would come. How in the heck did I find that balance. I made check lists, I put labels to people. I had my own risk factor chart.

And trust me, I made plenty of mistakes along the way. I ended up with men who couldn't dominate their way out of a paper bag, I met abusers. I met men who were very dominant but yet at the same time, didn't fulfill those needs. For one reason or another. But I learned, I learned how to refine my lists, and my labels. I learned how to define myself. I learned what would feed me and what would not. Not once did that desperate need go away to find that one that could feed me and make me complete. I needed substance and had to find a way to be fed. The journey has been interesting and knowledgeable and full of passion and learning, but always an end goal in sight.

I have learned to put those voices of the outside world away. I have learned that if my needs are not met, I am going to have them met, one way or another. I have learned that if those needs of long ago are not met with my expectations, I will move on until they are. I used to wonder if that made me shallow, until I realized they are needs for a reason. You can squash them down inside, but you can never remove them. They are just as important to me as the food I eat. They nourish me, they give me substance.

Life goes on.................