Lately I feel like a fish out of water, out here floundering around no direction, just out here trying to catch the next breath. I know not what one would expect the day before Valentine's Day, but perhaps it is necessary to express these thoughts and feelings. I belong to several forums and several discussion groups, and I have noticed many fit into these nice neat little containers of what they want in their lives, and what they expect out of their lives. And here I am not fitting into any container, just out here floundering around. That is a good word, even has an erotic ring to it. Flounder.
I love passions, and often lived on them in the past, and still do to some extent, but lately I have found that I need that "container", that "bowl" so to speak. I need the confines of structure. Without it, it doesn't work. Being a submissive(slave), without the confines of structure just doesn't work at all for me. I have been left wondering if I need that micro-management of long ago. That I used to have long ago and have no longer. And I am left here wondering how to place that structure into my own life, without compromising who I am. But I have found that impossible, that one does not put that type of structure into place. I can do the other structure but this one, no. It doesn't work.
So maybe I need to find myself a bowl to live in, because it is not fun to sit out here and flounder, even tho I like the word. The concept of being without those structures is not fun. For instance, if I do not have a curfew I stay up too late. Could I put one into place in my own life, of course I could try, but knowing myself as I do it is always one more minute for this, or one more minute for that until the sun comes up. If I do not have a direction my life is all over the place. I need those established rules and rituals. I miss them.
Hopefully one day I can find my way back into the bowl.
Life goes on......
2 comments:
Laurie,
Well...hmmm....you were inside yourself a bit, and now you're like a beautiful filly after the rain. The storms aren't completely over, for surely the winds have to have their turn, but the freeze is thawing. The filly is out sniffing around, roaming a bit, tasting this, smelling that. She's bound to sneak right back to the barn, huddle down, and stay for awhile. But, the sounds and smells and being alive - well, it's speaking to her. I see her getting in a mood one day soon, and tearing around full force free and happy to be! The process of reclaiming all that is you is about all of that, protecting ourselves, freeing ourselves, and re-ordering our ives and our selves. Relish each process for what it is. Nothing wrong with being the fish! That darn 'cat', you know the one with the hat, is surely going to be strolling in at some point. Take care of you, so you WILL know what you want and need. Happy Valentine's Day, Friend. You are cherished as one heck of a writer, thinker, and woman who lives! Thank you for sharing what you can when you can. It's hard to understand what happens in blog land, maybe even to wonder if anyone's there, but there is a ying and yang, and the mere act of showing up and sharing pays forward on your future. You will see.
SassyT,
I like how you put that out in there that analogy. You are so right, getting back on that horse so to speak, out there and feeling myself as if I am coming out of that frozen numb state, rising like a flower budding up amongst the frozen grounds, pushing and prodding my way through til one day I know that I shall bloom again.
Thank you for your support and your encouraging words.
Hugs!
Laurie
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