Middle of the Week Musings-Update.

Happy Hump Day!

Go out and hump someone today!

Whew. This is not only a middle of the week musings, also an update. An update on what you ask, since my life isn't very exciting lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking and musing.

I have been sick for over a week now, some nasty flu I picked up and can't shake the cough. It took a lot out of me, and there were days during that I lost my energy and am still recovering and trying to catch up from being exhausted. It also did not leave my mental state in very good condition, it brought up a lot of questions and it gave me a lot of time to think.

This past year sucked and I mean really sucked. First I lost my husband/lover/owner and then I lost my uncle. I have had to deal with death too much this past year. Grief sucks and it comes in so many forms. It made me lose passion for life, trying to get back up there and out there, and live again. And then I realized I came to depend on The Bastard, and there was nothing wrong in that. For months I felt that I was wrong, and couldn't express many emotions and I felt like I had lost my passion completely. I would cry at the silliest times, and rage at others. I was pissed off, I was sad, depressed, lonely, you name an emotion and I probably had it.

Grief is a lot like a nasty flu, hanging on and it leaves you exhausted. It lingers and refuses to leave until it is damn good and ready. If you think you are not going to have to deal with it, you do. It clings and hangs on and makes you feel miserable. But then a little at a time it leaves you, you won't notice, you will face it at times in the complete darkness, all alone. You will rage at the universe and plead for those elusive answers of why? They never come. And you will hear every cliche in the book and finally after a while, others will get on with their lives and quit asking you those questions, will quit asking how are you doing.

And you will be thankful they have. And then all of a sudden something triggers a memory and you are right back in that hole again. Holidays come and go, anniversaries come and go, special days come and go, and you are stuck in that grief. Remembering things you wish you didn't, you hang onto those memories because that is all you have left. I remember when his smell left his favorite shirt. I can no longer smell him. I can no longer remember what his face looked like, unless I look at his picture.

I no longer dream of him. I think of him, but dream .......nope. Those dreams died the day he did. I took off his collar months ago, but I still wear his wedding ring. I like to think of him standing up there in his way, telling me to get off my ass and get to living again! I know he would be so sad knowing he left me and I had to do it on my own. I knew him well. The anniversary of his death is coming up in May, and then it will be a year. Maybe then I will take off his ring, and maybe I won't. That brand new shiny ring he put on my finger a couple of years ago, with the inscription, 'Here I stand'. Well he doesn't anymore, but his memories sure do.

 And I want to shout at times, spend that time with your kids, your loved ones, don't work so damn much, love like every day is your last!

I want to shout those cliches into the void and hopefully someone will listen. We always hear about stop and take your sweet ass time to enjoy life, slow down, but do we listen to those. Not all the time, not when we should. I have no words of wisdom today. I just have my memories and my thoughts and my musings.

Grief sucks and so does the flu.

And in the middle of it all.....

Life goes on........