The big red check marks in life.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

You are probably wondering why the title, the red check mark and the quote. How in the world will they tie into one blog post. Remember, the crazy, rambling lady? Me? I know I haven't posted in a long time, and I know that I keep telling myself that I have to get off my butt and post. And then I don't. There have been times I was feeling sorry for myself, the things I have went through the past year, and living in that self-pity. So let's just say I put a red check mark on that self-pity and correct it.

Remember when you were in school, and the teacher would get out the brightest red pen/pencil, he/she could find, and put those dreaded red check marks all over your paper? That is how I see life lately, full of red check marks that need to go away! All from the person who hates check lists, and checking off those little boxes of multiple choice. I want concrete answers, or at least answers that could read as;

D). All of the above.

So instead of being allowed all of the above, I am going to go by those red check marks in life. Those things that I know I do not want, or do not need in my life. Things that I have experienced and realized they are not for me. Those things that I have put a red check mark upon them myself. I am on a journey, a journey of self-discovery, the things in my life that I need/want/desire, and asking myself where I am going. Where do I want to see myself. Basically I am starting over, or should say, I am "starting again". Something I did not think I would be doing at 53.

When I think about how I am going to get back out there, and up on that proverbial horse again, it is a scary thought. I know some people say, "JUST DO IT!", but that doesn't work for me in those regards. I have so many walls that I have been working on tearing down, and that does not allow for me to just do it, as I used to. And on the other hand, I often think of doing just that, getting out there and just doing it. Whatever "it" entails.

I know that I am lost without structure in my life, but the wrong kind of structure doesn't work either. I know that I am lost without that man in my life, giving me that kind of structure that I need. I know that many people think and have stated, "You don't need a man in your life to be happy, you have to first be happy within yourself." What a stupid cliche. I am not saying that you shouldn't be happy within yourself, what I am saying is that at times you need that other part of your circle to be happy.

I could sit here and build my life and be happy, as happy as I could be, but without that man that I need to give me what I need, am I really happy. Or perhaps am I just like many others who fake happiness so the outside world never has to see the hurt. Or the missing parts. And then reality slaps me in the face, and I realize I am limited in what I can have for what I need. And that is where negotiations come into play in life. Not red check marks per Se, but I have to weigh the possibilities just to see if they require the red check mark, and sometimes there is no right answer, and that red check mark is there to stay.

I wonder is there a man out there who is willing to put those red check marks up for me?

I am very glad at times like this, that....

Life goes on......