Break free of those chains.

"Freedom is living without chains."

~Indra Devi~

Some chains we can live without, and in this instant I mean "without".  It seems like my themes of late have been about "bondage", but bondage of another kind. Not the good kind, but the bad kind. And yes there is a bad kind of bondage. I have been living in it for years and I want to be free. I have been living with the past all wrapped around me, and now it is time for it to go. Do I think it will be that easy, no.

I was thinking tonight about all those chains we allow ourselves to be tangled up in, and how to break free of those chains. For me, I think I will need an axe, or perhaps a welder. Yes they are tight and constrictive, and my quest is how to break free of those chains. How to cut them away til I am free. Free to live life as I want/need. Sometimes those chains come in the form of guilt, and I think that one can be the most confining at times.

I have to ask myself why in the world do people try to make you feel guilty. Because they can I guess. Because we allow them to? Because they are not happy in their own lives? I really don't have the answers but I keep wondering why. And then there are the chains that are engulfing, and seem to take away our breath at times. And then there are the chains that hold us tight and refuse at times to let us budge. We become still wrapped tightly in those chains.

It is time. It is time to try and break free of those chains, and wrap myself in freedom.

Life goes on......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

The middle of the week, a time for me to reflect on what has been going on this past week, a time to get excited for the weekend. I am trying to get excited for the weekend, but the schedules are all messed up and I have to get used to another one. I hate change in some ways. It throws me off balance and takes my structure away. I need more structure in my life, I need more balance in my life. I need more direction in my life. It feels like I am out there floundering around again. And it gives me panic attacks and ulcer attacks.

I have been back in my house for over a year now, and it still needs organized. I worked some on it tonight, and think I should put an ad up on Craigslist:

Free to good home.

A 21 year old Diva complete with boyfriend and a cat, and all kinds of junk stuff.

A 18 year old male with a cat, and all kinds of junk stuff.

All their friends that hang around, sleep on the couch and eat.

I think that pretty much says it all. After all it is all FREE!

I tried to make Diva go through all her clothes that are in the laundry room, and her response, "Well I don't want them all!" Well duh, I could tell that, some of them have been sitting there in baskets since we moved back. So I organized them tonight and told her they were either going in her room, or out the door. Think that will work?

And when I made dinner, spinach raviolis, they all looked at me like I had three heads. Forgive me please, that it did not have meat in it. I think I will tell them I have went Vegan and see their reactions.

I need a vacation. A long over-due vacation. Someplace where the younger generation will not find me.

I need a maid.

I need a new frame of mind I guess.

I wonder what would happen if I put an ad up on Craigslist that said;

HELP!!!!

Life goes on........



Prisoner of my Past.

"I began to feel that, in a sense, we were all prisoners of our own history."

~Roland Joffe~

I am starting to feel like a prisoner of my past. It haunts me almost daily. For those of you who did not follow my past blog, I suffer from PTSD, and at times panic attacks, and slight agoraphobia. "We" named them episodes, and lately they have been assaulting me quite a bit. I have a few ideas why, the number one being that I am in a new relationship and perhaps I feel guilty from the past relationship. It is hard to get closure when the person you were with, dies, but yet you are the one left to carry on, and live life. I know that relationship was not healthy, it did not work as well as I thought it once did, but the point being, it is too late to worry about it anymore. Or it should be. Or I wish it was.

But I am stuck here behind the "bars" of my past. I am trying to break free of those bars, and get out from behind those walls, but each time I try, I feel that I am failing. I hope that it does not affect my current relationship, but I know it is going to from time to time. It has. I am very lucky I have a patient man in my life. I only hope that it continues, I hope he continues to have the patience that I need. He left here earlier today after spending a couple of days together, and this weekend was better than last weekend! Last weekend wasn't real great on my part, I was a bitch as much as I hate to say it, I was. Not intentional, but the bottom line I was. I had a really crappy week last week, and not even sure what happened.

Ever since I have been on a journey to figure out why I am still behind those walls. I have asked myself if I was conditioned or manipulated, or whatever, and all I could come up with, it happened. I may never know the reasons why, I may always have to ask the question, but the bottom line, I need to get out from behind those walls and start living my life again. Being a prisoner is like being a victim and I refuse to be a victim anymore. I chant to myself that I am with "Mister" now, and it is a new and different relationship and if I don't get my life together, there might not be another chance to escape those bars. I have found myself very scared and that is halting a lot of my journey. I don't want to be stuck behind bars anymore.

I have been asking myself why do we do these things to ourselves, but then again, do we, or do we allow others and circumstances to do that to us. I think it is both, that we make choices, and often the wrong choices, and then we are stuck with the consequences. We often take the blame for other people, when we shouldn't. I guess that is a human trait, and something we need to learn not to do. I guess when they say love is blind, often times it is. Or maybe it wasn't love, maybe it was something else, only thinking it was love.

Anyway, I am on a mission to break free of that prison.

Life goes on......

Broken.

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul, if either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction."~Kahlil Gibran~

I had a person ask me today if I thought I was "broken" due to the way I choose to live my life. I had to think about that one for a moment, really think and a quote came to mind. And with that quote I had to think more, for how can you have reason and passion together working as one, but then through that quote, I realized you have to have both to work, one without the other will not work. So yes, I am broken, I have been tossing about for some time now. Not at a standstill, but tossing about, like broken glass, all over the place.

But, before I go any further, I think I have been broken in a different way for many years. I am not of the norm, do I choose to live my life as the "norm". I figured that it must be something in my make-up, deep inside of myself that makes me crave the dynamics of Master/slave. I have tried, "nilla", I have many times in the past, and found that it lacks what I "need". Not what I want, or desire, but what I need. It lacks passion, it lacks the reason I need to keep the passion from burning to destruction. I need a man, I need a Master, I need the dynamics that make me thrive and feel less broken. I have read many posts over the years about how submissives/slaves must be broken due to the nature of who they are, what they need, and how desperate they are.

I can relate, I am that person, I am that slave. I need that direction, I need that dominance, I need that structure, I need those rules and rituals, and that absolute power exchange. I would rather hear, "Good girl." than "Nice job." I read things on blogs, on posts, on Fetlife that talk about, physical aspects" of the lifestyle and how they make or break a slave. I disagree. Physical is a mere piece of the pie so to speak, at least for me. The mind, and the soul is what makes it work, what makes me tick. The mental is what makes me thrive and not flounder out there, or floating about with no direction.

I suffer PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from a previous abusive relationship, vanilla. It had nothing to do with M/s. Another broken crack in my make-up. Many would say that I was not broken beforehand, I would disagree again. Why? Because I was looking for an intense Master/slave relationship, and often that line is indiscernible. The line between abuse and mastery. I don't need someone to "fix" me, not in that way. I don't need someone to try to "heal" me, not in that way. What I need is someone to embrace my nature and nurture it in the ways it needs to be.

I can remember when I was a little girl thinking that I needed to be "married" to be whole. That is what I was groomed for, but even in that, my first marriage happened when I was 18 and it was nothing what I expected it to be. He was not the leader of the house, I wasn't the leader of the house, just two kids playing house. I kept searching for that "relationship" I had imagined in my mind, even though I had no idea what that type of relationship was. I did not come from an abusive home, I came from an average middle-class home. I kept wondering how in the world did I come up with a list of needs that were not "average". I kept searching and searching and having people telling me that there must be something wrong with me.

And now at the age of 53, I know from years of experience, I am broken in so many ways. Without that reason and that passion blended together in harmony, I will become more broken and then I will be floating around out there aimlessly. No direction, no sense of "me" left. And I just got out of that, not too long ago. I am still fighting getting "right" within myself. I suffered in a past relationship, and am trying my damnest not to bring it into the previous one. It has not been easy.

How do I determine which type of "broken" is healthy and which type is not? The type that is healthy for me is the type that gives me direction and makes me thrive. The type that is unhealthy is the type that leaves me out there drifting and tossing about.

So in answer to the question, yes I am broken, both the good and the bad. I need to learn to heal, I need to learn to embrace. I need to learn to trust that I am on the right path at times, and not resist. I need to shake free of those shackles that society has placed on me, and put "HIS" on instead. I have no misguided sense that he can heal me of the bad broken, but I do have expectations that he too will embrace the good broken.

Life goes on......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Yes, that is a joke! I do NOT hope your hump day is hot as hell, cuz MINE WAS!

It is hot, really hot, and I will be glad when this heat wave passes.

Living in Illinois leaves a lot to be desired at times. You wait all winter for summer, and then it turns to hot, you can't spend time outside. I just came in from outside and it is still hot and muggy out.

And did I forget to mention that it is hot?

I hope it breaks soon. My air conditioning bill is going to be out of this world! And cooking is pretty much out, who wants to start the oven or the stove with the air conditioner already working overtime. I guess I will just have to pretend I am living a life of luxury. I had dinner out, or should say in, take out, in.

 

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Wow. Long week already. I have had a LONG week, and still two more days to go til Friday.

Thank goodness it is hump day, although I wish it were Friday. Two more days. Two more days til I see him. I know that I talk to him every night on the phone, but that is not the same as having him in my bed. I have a shirt he leaves me every weekend with his scent, that I am to wear to bed every night, but it is not the same as having him in my bed with his scent.

I miss him.

 This week has not been fun, this week I will be glad when it is over. I came to some revelations this week about my past, and I cannot say I like them. I guess when you go digging into your past, you have to be careful what you will "dig" up and I dug up some pretty heavy duty stuff from my past. Now I have to get rid of that stuff from my past. I know the memories will never go away, but the baggage, needs to go. "Nuff said."

I have been reorganizing my life this past week, actually this past year, and I ran across some things that I know I no longer need, and certain things need to be put in order. I have two more bags of stuff going to Goodwill, and I just hauled out two bags to the garbage. I know that some of the stuff I could have saved and donated, but sometimes you just have to what you have to do. Put certain things out for the trash! Get rid of it!

I was thinking to myself how nice that would be if we could do that with certain memories, just get rid of them. But nooooo, instead we have to let them come to mind over and over, and at times they feel like they are going to drive us nuts. And then they refuse to leave our minds, playing over and over and over, until we feel like screaming. Oh wait, I have done that before.

I have opted for a simple life. I want, and need simple. I am tired of complex. I am tired of jumping through hoops and living on that razor's edge of life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the razor's edge of passion, just not in every day life. I need my rituals, I need that structure. I need that daily life of simple structure. And for that to happen, I had/have to clear my mind of some of the past. Spring Cleaning done a little late, but better late than never, I guess.

"Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life."

~Budda~

So right now, I am right where I am, and refusing not to miss life again. I have in the past. I have missed parts of my life, not being where I was. I was trying to be someplace else. Always running ahead and not living in those moments. There are reasons, there are justifications, but the bottom line, at times I compromised too much. At others, I simply did not know, nor understand, and yet at other times, people deceived, and lied, and I ended up living those lies with them, perhaps unknowingly, but still living them.

This time, at this part of my life......I am merely going to be, "me" and all that entails.

Life goes on.........

Constraints of Society.

"Western women have been controlled by ideals and stereotypes as much as by material constraints."

~Naomi Wolf~

I have been sitting here thinking about the constraints of society, those that are put on women, and those that women put on themselves. No, this is not a post about Women's Lib, or anything like that. It is what society deems necessary for the way a woman must live life. In the norm, of the norm, and within the norm. If we do not bow down and live within society, we are labeled, "nonconformists". Not that there is anything wrong with nonconforming, but there is something wrong with following the crowd.

Even in the lifestyle that I live. I read many posts on forums about how one "must" live the lifestyle. How one "must" conform and go by the "rules". What rules I had to ask myself? The rules set out by people, a checklist written by someone that I do not know. The rules laid out there by another that I am not involved with. Even at times when I mention I am a "slave", I am met with an argument, or I am met with someone telling me that I shouldn't "do" that. I do not want to be empowered, I want to be enslaved.

I have always felt trapped by society's rules, wrapped in the barbs of life, waiting for a man to come along and take me out of those trappings and put me in "his". And then people ask me, isn't that exchanging one prison for the other. No, of course it isn't. It is living within the realms of who I am, who I was destined to be, that inherent nature that beats inside of me. So do I live in not only the constraints of society, but also in the constraints of our lifestyle?

No. I refuse. Do I conform to parts of society, absolutely. Do I conform to parts of the lifestyle, absolutely. Am I controlled by ideals and stereotypes and material possessions? To an extent, yes. I am a woman, and am stereotyped as such. I am a slave and stereotyped often as, a victim. Why you ask? Many people think that a slave is broken, that a slave is nothing more than a doormat, that a slave has abuse issues. Am I controlled by ideas, at times yes. But those that I learned a long the way, not the ones that I find on a forum, or a checklist. But instead those that work for "me".

Am I controlled my material possessions? Yes I am. I need a house, I need a car, I need a warm place to be and all the comforts of "home". But do I need those material possessions just because I want them? Or do I need those material possessions just to keep up with the "neighbors". No.

Am I controlled by the "need" for a man? Yes, I am. But not because society tells me I need one. Actually they tell you the opposite now. It used to be the woman was made by the man she married, and now she is made by herself. I would have to say that the man will define me. That the man will be the one that sets my rules and my role. Without the Master, I would not be a slave. Without my Master, I would not be his slave, and would not be defined.

I need those constraints put on by him, I do not need all the constraints of society. I need the blend of both worlds.

Life goes on.....