Walking on eggshells......

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."

~Robert Fritz~

It is like I woke up one morning and found myself angry. Very angry, and I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I so angry?" I really had to stop and think, and analyze and take inventory of my life. I found that anger goes back many years and it is carried into the present, and I pray that it is not carried into the future. For the past year and a half I attributed it to grief and all that entails, but then I realized it went back further than that, and grief only added to the anger. I have been carrying that anger around for too many years. It is bondage of the worse kind. I had to ask myself some very serious questions about that anger, and how in the world do I get rid of it. I found that I am angry because I have compromised my life. All your life you are told, you have to compromise. It should be a pretty easy deal/negotiation, you give up something you want in order to get something else you want more. Or is it?

According to Wikipedia;

"To compromise is to make a deal where one person gives up part of his or her demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance, tolerance. In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a "surrender" of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little."

I had to read that part about human relationships several times before it finally hit home. I have compromised myself to the point I have given up "myself." Not in the healthy manner either, but in a very unhealthy one. I had a dream when I was younger of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a stay at home wife, and take care of my husband. That was all I wanted out of my life, until one day my father told me that I had to have more out of life. I should WANT more out of life. So I compromised and told him I would go in the Navy, since he was former Navy. The day I went for my physical the doctor told me I was pregnant. My father was not happy to say the least. My life changed that day, or did it change that day or the day I changed and compromised.

I simply gave up that dream I had as a young girl. It did not fit in with the times, even though I was raised to be a wife in the 70's, every where I went and dared to tell someone that dream, they told me that was a silly dream. I should aspire for a career, be my own person, be independent, don't depend on a man for your happiness, and the list goes on and on. I caved, I listened I did what was expected of me, even in my rebellion, I still did as was expected. After all I was my father's daughter and he told me those very same things long ago.

And rebel, yes I did plenty of that. I took marriage and made a sham out of it. I married for many reasons, many times, not out of love, but for other reasons, and rubbed it in society's face. I found the lifestyle and changed the term, husband and wife to master and slave and promised myself I would never compromise myself in that. I simply compromised in what I wanted and changed it to be something else, and hoped that maybe I would be accepted into an unconventional lifestyle. I compromised again, over and over. The anger continued to build. I felt like I failed so many times, giving up my own traditional values of what I believe/d in.

I fell into trap after trap of finding the "wrong" kind of men. Men who wanted me to change me into something I was not, or men who expected me to change because they could not fit into what I needed and they made me feel as if I was the one who was failing, instead of them failing me. They expected me to compromise with nothing in return. I am not saying every single relationship I have been in has been like that, it hasn't, but the majority of them have been. I gave up checklists years ago in what I wanted from a relationship because I got tired of wrestling for my needs/wants/desires. I gave up so many expectations because I got tired of people telling me they were wrong, and I should not expect so much from one mere mortal.

I have been walking on eggshells for years. I have been walking on eggshells of anger, resentment, rage, sadness, and so many other emotions.

I feel at times I have been tricked into accepting less than what I first set out for. And then I wonder why did I compromise myself to the point I am now a mere shell myself. I also have to wonder is it too late to start over? Is it too late to set my sites on what I wanted as a young girl, only tailoring it to my needs as they are today? Is 53 way too late to even start thinking of what I should have done, or what I could do differently? Is love supposed to be that way? Is it supposed to reach the point that you give so much, or compromise so much that you are left with nothing but a shell?

Is it fair for another person to expect that much compromise? Even if love is involved? Does that much compromise in a relationship promote a healthy one, or a recipe for disaster? I am a traditionalist and I have tried to fit in a non-traditional world, maybe it is time I go back to those traditions and live as I feel I was intended. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so angry anymore. Maybe I could return to feeling as if my shell was filled again. I guess that part is up to me, for I am the one who compromised myself.



Does anyone have a broom? It is time to quit walking on all these eggshells.

Life goes on.....