Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

Just think, only two more days til Friday. So many people look forward to the weekend, and I just look forward to getting better, or getting stronger.

The death of a loved one has taken its toll in so many ways that I cannot even begin to describe. Nor do I want to go into too many details. I am left with the aftermath and I am still angry. And that does no good for me, or my problems with PTSD, or anxiety or the other number of disorders I suffer with. I am trying to get past the anger, I am trying to get past the part where I have no idea what direction my life is heading, but death changes that. I keep trying to put some structure into my life, and I keeping falling down.

I have almost completely locked myself in my bedroom. I go out, but only if I absolutely have to. I try to have a normal relationship, well as "normal" as I am, but I find myself not doing that very well either. I wonder at times if I am too hard, or too demanding in my needs. My goal for last year was to try and start living life again and it still appears to be my goal for this year.

I have taken these four walls of my bedroom and made it my "safe" place, only it isn't, but I suppose it is the safest place I have in my life, or as safe as anyplace can be right at this time in my life.

But at times it seems like a prison, or is that I am a prisoner in my own mind. Locked in a dark, scary place where there is no escape? I would like to think there is an escape, but then I think of my past, and my present, and wonder will I ever get past these things that hinder my future. And there is no answer.

I tried to give myself a year of grief, and found that did not work. I am afraid to get back out there and live again, even though I am trying. I am still afraid. I am tired of being told I am the strong one and I can do it. Can I?

I am tired of people thinking they know me and what I need, only to find out they are giving me nothing I need. I am not blaming this on anyone other than myself. And why I have to put a disclaimer in, I have no idea, perhaps I need validation on why I feel this way, or perhaps just to have validation all by itself.

I usually try to keep it pretty light on here, and then I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I waste my time writing down only part of my thoughts, or afraid someone might read this that knows me, and find out that I am broken.

I made a choice today, a choice to put my life in order, or at least to figure out how to, or figure out what is wrong with it and it is time to allow myself the freedom of expressing thoughts.

Life goes on......