Prisoner of my Past.

"I began to feel that, in a sense, we were all prisoners of our own history."

~Roland Joffe~

I am starting to feel like a prisoner of my past. It haunts me almost daily. For those of you who did not follow my past blog, I suffer from PTSD, and at times panic attacks, and slight agoraphobia. "We" named them episodes, and lately they have been assaulting me quite a bit. I have a few ideas why, the number one being that I am in a new relationship and perhaps I feel guilty from the past relationship. It is hard to get closure when the person you were with, dies, but yet you are the one left to carry on, and live life. I know that relationship was not healthy, it did not work as well as I thought it once did, but the point being, it is too late to worry about it anymore. Or it should be. Or I wish it was.

But I am stuck here behind the "bars" of my past. I am trying to break free of those bars, and get out from behind those walls, but each time I try, I feel that I am failing. I hope that it does not affect my current relationship, but I know it is going to from time to time. It has. I am very lucky I have a patient man in my life. I only hope that it continues, I hope he continues to have the patience that I need. He left here earlier today after spending a couple of days together, and this weekend was better than last weekend! Last weekend wasn't real great on my part, I was a bitch as much as I hate to say it, I was. Not intentional, but the bottom line I was. I had a really crappy week last week, and not even sure what happened.

Ever since I have been on a journey to figure out why I am still behind those walls. I have asked myself if I was conditioned or manipulated, or whatever, and all I could come up with, it happened. I may never know the reasons why, I may always have to ask the question, but the bottom line, I need to get out from behind those walls and start living my life again. Being a prisoner is like being a victim and I refuse to be a victim anymore. I chant to myself that I am with "Mister" now, and it is a new and different relationship and if I don't get my life together, there might not be another chance to escape those bars. I have found myself very scared and that is halting a lot of my journey. I don't want to be stuck behind bars anymore.

I have been asking myself why do we do these things to ourselves, but then again, do we, or do we allow others and circumstances to do that to us. I think it is both, that we make choices, and often the wrong choices, and then we are stuck with the consequences. We often take the blame for other people, when we shouldn't. I guess that is a human trait, and something we need to learn not to do. I guess when they say love is blind, often times it is. Or maybe it wasn't love, maybe it was something else, only thinking it was love.

Anyway, I am on a mission to break free of that prison.

Life goes on......