Many Faces of Laurie.

"I have never been aware before how many faces there are.  There are quantities of human beings, but there are many more faces, for each person has several."  ~Rainer Maria Rilke~

I have been engaging in the self-discovery of Laurie lately, well for many years actually, but lately it has returned. I am coming out of a numb-state, a frozen state and I am learning how to rediscover myself again. And taking each face of Laurie and exploring them again, learning how they act and interact with the others. I know that makes me sound like I have multiple personalities or something, but we all wear many faces, whether we want to admit it or not, we all do, we are not one dimensional, we have many facets, and I wear many faces. So in that self-discovery, I have to remember how to make them blend into one, Laurie. With no compromising this time.

Yes, I have in the past, many many times. I have compromised one for the other, or vice verse. Or at times I have compromised to the point of being miserable in my own life, but have given others what they have needed, leaving myself completely out of the equation. And ended up a nothing, numb, frozen. So I have had to look deep inside and try to figure out why I keep doing this, or doing that. I have to be comfortable in my many faces, I have to find solace in Laurie. In all her faces.

In that there has to be self-discovery, rediscovery and recovery. I have to peel back those faces and examine each other carefully and find the parts that fit and the parts that don't fit, and get rid of those that do not fit. It is a lot like therapy, peeling away the layers and layers of accumulated 'stuff' that has no business being in the faces of Laurie. And keeping the layers I like, the layers that are the true Laurie. A death has helped me see this, I gave up parts of myself in the last relationship that I should not have given up. Why did I give them up, because I thought I had to. The operative word being, "THOUGHT".

Did I really have to give up any face of Laurie, or did I merely think it was necessary in order to be what someone else needed/wished me to be. Well that answer is easy, I did not have to do anything, I should have just stayed the same, within the many faces of Laurie. But society depicts that we must compromise in a relationship, we MUST give in to some things or we will not be fair. I ask why is that. I mean really why is that. I live a way of life that says I do not have to compromise, I have to comply with the standards I set myself. And I should be with people who understand and accept that many faces of Laurie, and if they do not, why bother. I cannot changes those faces, they have been mine for too many years, I can take out the parts that do not fit, that perhaps others have shoved into the cracks, but I do not have to change.

Am I cynical, am I jaded, you bet your sweet ass I am, but even in that, do I have to take that face off, or do I continue to wear it as I do. It does not prevent me from loving, it does not prevent me from getting right back on that bike again, to fall down again and again, so why would I ever want to take it off. I earned it, damn it!

I wear the face of a submissive/slave, and when I hear that certain behavior is not fitting for a slave, do I take off that face just because I do not kneel at the feet of just anyone, but the ones I choose. That has to be inspired for someone to see that face.

I wear that face of passion, and I am not talking sexual here, although that is often involved in wearing that face, but so many other things too. I have passion when I clean my house, when I laugh, when I dance, when I see so much beauty in the world and so much hatred. How could that not be passionate when you see something so violent that it rips inside your heart and wrenches you to the point of sobbing.

And sometimes I wear rose colored glasses over some of my faces, why you ask, because I need to. There are times I need to see things as I see them, not as you want me to see them.

I wear the face of a bitch at times, why you ask, because it has helped me survive some pretty horrid places I have been. It has helped me remain strong in the face of adversity.

I wear the face of a mother, not because I have maternal instincts, but because I love my children unconditionally.

I wear the face of a little girl at times, because there is always new discoveries to be made, seen through the eyes for the first time, as a child would.

I wear the face of a dominant single mother at times, because it is necessary for the structure and the foundation of my home to flourish and remain strong.

I wear the face of insecurity, because it is simply who I am at times. No more explanation needed, that pretty much says it all.

I wear the face of abuse at times, I am a survivor, not a victim anymore.


I wear many faces of Laurie, that is what makes me Laurie. So many more, so many different, but yet all the same. Me.

Life goes on.....................