Frozen.

"You are suspended in me beautiful and frozen, I preserve you, in me you are safe."

~Atwood~


I am frozen to many degrees. I am numb and suspended to many degrees. I have preserved myself in me. I am safe inside of me. I have remained frozen and numb for so long, it is a comfortable blanket, suspended in time. I have started to be less and less frozen, but each time I find myself thawing, I draw that frozen blanket right back up. And I remain frozen yet again. How many times can you thaw, only to return back to that frozen state. Time and time again.

This has not happened over night, this has happened over time. I have turned into a frozen cynical state. I know this to be true, but yet when I resist the chill that has come over me, I seem to go right back into that state. I thought I was living the life I wanted/needed, in the 24/7 relationship. And quite some time ago I realized I was not living that life I had talked about so many times. I was living part of it, well not even part of it, just snippets here and there. I wanted to live it, so I guess in my mind I tried to cram it into the frozen ground. Because after awhile it was like that, trying to push something into a frozen ground. It just isn't going to work.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months, and I have found out much that I do not like, and much that I did not like. But the plain truth of it all, I allowed it to happen. I allowed myself to become frozen, suspended in time. Now I have to figure out how I got to this state. I gave my life to another in the form of master/slave/friend/lover/wife. I had high expectations, I was given higher expectations and I realized that many can play at a 24/7 relationship, and some do, but I was not trying to play. I was being true to myself. I was being true to my nature. Even with the everyday necessaries of life, I was being true to myself. And it left me in a frozen state, because the other person did not live up to those expectations.

I do not care to repeat those in the future. I want that person to be who they say they are. I do not want to be fooled again. It is too hard to come out of that frozen state. It is too hard to be who I was meant to be in that frozen suspension. I take my submissive nature to heart, it is inherent inside of me. It is not something I don one day and remove the next. I live it, I am it, I need it. I cannot live without it. But without it, with only a promise and not living it with another, I became frozen.

It is easy to talk about a 24/7 life as master/slave, it is easy to set up guidelines, and rituals and rules, and protocols. It is easy to do that, I believe anyone can do that, but what is not easy is to live those, to live within those guidelines, those rules, those protocols, in a 24/7 environment. People become overwhelmed, or perhaps they cannot live it because it is not truly who they are. I don't know, all I know is that I am frozen because for whatever the reasons were, I was molded to be something someone wanted me to be, and I am still at times stuck in that state.

Now I have to ask myself, is there something as being too submissive? So submissive that you allow yourself to be molded to be exactly what that other person wants/needs/desires, that instead of feeling submissive, you feel like a victim?

Maybe next time I will learn to do it right, I hope.....and am thankful at times....

Life goes on.......