The big red check marks in life.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

You are probably wondering why the title, the red check mark and the quote. How in the world will they tie into one blog post. Remember, the crazy, rambling lady? Me? I know I haven't posted in a long time, and I know that I keep telling myself that I have to get off my butt and post. And then I don't. There have been times I was feeling sorry for myself, the things I have went through the past year, and living in that self-pity. So let's just say I put a red check mark on that self-pity and correct it.

Remember when you were in school, and the teacher would get out the brightest red pen/pencil, he/she could find, and put those dreaded red check marks all over your paper? That is how I see life lately, full of red check marks that need to go away! All from the person who hates check lists, and checking off those little boxes of multiple choice. I want concrete answers, or at least answers that could read as;

D). All of the above.

So instead of being allowed all of the above, I am going to go by those red check marks in life. Those things that I know I do not want, or do not need in my life. Things that I have experienced and realized they are not for me. Those things that I have put a red check mark upon them myself. I am on a journey, a journey of self-discovery, the things in my life that I need/want/desire, and asking myself where I am going. Where do I want to see myself. Basically I am starting over, or should say, I am "starting again". Something I did not think I would be doing at 53.

When I think about how I am going to get back out there, and up on that proverbial horse again, it is a scary thought. I know some people say, "JUST DO IT!", but that doesn't work for me in those regards. I have so many walls that I have been working on tearing down, and that does not allow for me to just do it, as I used to. And on the other hand, I often think of doing just that, getting out there and just doing it. Whatever "it" entails.

I know that I am lost without structure in my life, but the wrong kind of structure doesn't work either. I know that I am lost without that man in my life, giving me that kind of structure that I need. I know that many people think and have stated, "You don't need a man in your life to be happy, you have to first be happy within yourself." What a stupid cliche. I am not saying that you shouldn't be happy within yourself, what I am saying is that at times you need that other part of your circle to be happy.

I could sit here and build my life and be happy, as happy as I could be, but without that man that I need to give me what I need, am I really happy. Or perhaps am I just like many others who fake happiness so the outside world never has to see the hurt. Or the missing parts. And then reality slaps me in the face, and I realize I am limited in what I can have for what I need. And that is where negotiations come into play in life. Not red check marks per Se, but I have to weigh the possibilities just to see if they require the red check mark, and sometimes there is no right answer, and that red check mark is there to stay.

I wonder is there a man out there who is willing to put those red check marks up for me?

I am very glad at times like this, that....

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!!! May it be at least HOT weather wise, it sure isn't here! It is cold, raining and just crappy outside. It feels like winter, but alas that is Spring in Illinois. I want it to be warm! Yes, I am whining. I am tired of the cold, snow, winter, and all that. I have a friend I talk to in Florida, and she loves to rub it in what her weather has been like while I am up here freezing my ass off! Her payback will come soon! And she knows what I mean!

On other news this week, I turned 53, and it sucks. It feels old, and yes I know it is nothing more than a number, and whomever said that lied. It is middle age, no matter how you put it. And trust me, my body knows I am 53. I may not look like it outside, but inside I am every  bit of 53. I was talking to my girlfriend who is almost 40, and we were talking about how some men our ages, seem to go for the younger women. I guess a lot want that youth, having someone young makes them feel young?

But then I have Diva and Slick who live with me, and all their friends who are constantly around, so that is enough youth for me. Sometimes TOO much youth! Last week alone with all of them in and out, we went through like six cases of Mountain Dew! I had to hide my Dr. Pepper in my closet. And we won't even talk about my grocery bill! How I got from middle-age to that, who knows. The ramblings of the mad woman.

But all in all, I did have a good birthday. My mom came over and cooked for me that day, I had my kids, and family, and got lots of goodies, so it was a good birthday. Still going through that first year after The Bastard's death, hitting each birthday, the holidays and all that, and almost done with this first year. In May come the big ones, and I am not looking forward to that at all. But......

Life goes on.......

Confusion.

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." ~Robert McCloskey~


I was sitting wondering if I should put a disclaimer in this blog post, saying it is NOT a rant about men, but a post about myself. Hm, looks like I just did.

Men say that women are complicated and complex, and that all men want are two things, basic needs met....feed them, fuck them and shut up. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it when looking at it that way. And maybe I should base it off of those basic needs, but I have to say I don't always see it that way. Men confuse the hell out of me!

Don't take that the wrong way, I find them fascinating and incredible, but they still confuse me. I realize that in this way of life, that the alpha men rule and we meaning the slaves do not have to understand them in order to serve them. What I do mean is I am filled with confusion. My logical analytical side of the brain cannot join the passionate side of the brain. It doesn't work for me. I want to shout my questions into the Universe and then I want that very same Universe to answer them!

I can be very shy at times, and very timid when learning to approach a man. Once engaged and I know his intentions are clear, I can still be very shy and timid but it turns to a different kind. But how does one go about knowing if his intentions have anything to do what I may think they have to do with. Even with questions, asking them questions, they don't always answer the way I needed to hear. And by needed I mean that it is not clear enough for me, so that only adds more questions to that question.

Confused yet?

I am!!

And why am I looking for double meanings? Because men are confusing! And since I am the type of woman who needs to be pleasing, I question myself so many times, it leads to insecurity. So I am left wondering how to do this without it being so difficult. It is like a glorious mind fuck without an orgasm at times. So I guess I will just have to ride the wild waves of confusion and see where it leads.

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings-Update.

Happy Hump Day!

Go out and hump someone today!

Whew. This is not only a middle of the week musings, also an update. An update on what you ask, since my life isn't very exciting lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking and musing.

I have been sick for over a week now, some nasty flu I picked up and can't shake the cough. It took a lot out of me, and there were days during that I lost my energy and am still recovering and trying to catch up from being exhausted. It also did not leave my mental state in very good condition, it brought up a lot of questions and it gave me a lot of time to think.

This past year sucked and I mean really sucked. First I lost my husband/lover/owner and then I lost my uncle. I have had to deal with death too much this past year. Grief sucks and it comes in so many forms. It made me lose passion for life, trying to get back up there and out there, and live again. And then I realized I came to depend on The Bastard, and there was nothing wrong in that. For months I felt that I was wrong, and couldn't express many emotions and I felt like I had lost my passion completely. I would cry at the silliest times, and rage at others. I was pissed off, I was sad, depressed, lonely, you name an emotion and I probably had it.

Grief is a lot like a nasty flu, hanging on and it leaves you exhausted. It lingers and refuses to leave until it is damn good and ready. If you think you are not going to have to deal with it, you do. It clings and hangs on and makes you feel miserable. But then a little at a time it leaves you, you won't notice, you will face it at times in the complete darkness, all alone. You will rage at the universe and plead for those elusive answers of why? They never come. And you will hear every cliche in the book and finally after a while, others will get on with their lives and quit asking you those questions, will quit asking how are you doing.

And you will be thankful they have. And then all of a sudden something triggers a memory and you are right back in that hole again. Holidays come and go, anniversaries come and go, special days come and go, and you are stuck in that grief. Remembering things you wish you didn't, you hang onto those memories because that is all you have left. I remember when his smell left his favorite shirt. I can no longer smell him. I can no longer remember what his face looked like, unless I look at his picture.

I no longer dream of him. I think of him, but dream .......nope. Those dreams died the day he did. I took off his collar months ago, but I still wear his wedding ring. I like to think of him standing up there in his way, telling me to get off my ass and get to living again! I know he would be so sad knowing he left me and I had to do it on my own. I knew him well. The anniversary of his death is coming up in May, and then it will be a year. Maybe then I will take off his ring, and maybe I won't. That brand new shiny ring he put on my finger a couple of years ago, with the inscription, 'Here I stand'. Well he doesn't anymore, but his memories sure do.

 And I want to shout at times, spend that time with your kids, your loved ones, don't work so damn much, love like every day is your last!

I want to shout those cliches into the void and hopefully someone will listen. We always hear about stop and take your sweet ass time to enjoy life, slow down, but do we listen to those. Not all the time, not when we should. I have no words of wisdom today. I just have my memories and my thoughts and my musings.

Grief sucks and so does the flu.

And in the middle of it all.....

Life goes on........



Are we captured in time?

"Does age poison us, or do we poison age?" ~Astrid Aladua~ 

I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday. It was about age and growing older. It was about turning 53 in a month and feeling that perhaps age has poisoned me. It is about reading on the forums that I belong to, why do middle-aged men seem to pick younger women for the most part. It is that we reach a point in our lives that perhaps we have gained too much experience? It is about that people thrive on youth, and we have forgotten to have that same excitement when we were younger, because of our age and our experience?

Do I feel 52? Yes some days I do, and some days I don't. But what I do feel is that when people "hear" your age and the years I have been in the lifestyle, they are in awe, but many think that you might be "too" old to be of any use. What an oxymoron in so many ways. Some people want to use that experience, by listening, by learning, but when it comes right down to it, do they want to take it upon themselves to take an older mature person on in the ways of ownership. Or do they want a brand new and shiny, that they can mold and shape to their likes and their dislikes.

Can a person be too old to shape and mold to someones desire? Is there anything left? I think so yes, but that is just my humble opinion. Do we reach a stage of burn-out, due to the age, or the poisons of that age? Or perhaps due to other people's take on the age limitations? There is even a group on Fetlife for people over 50! Which is nice to know that, at least we have an old-age home on there too. Somewhere stuffed away as not to bother the youngsters.

Do I sound cynical? Yes, a little. Why? Because I find it funny when someone of say the ripe age of 18, 19, 20, or 20's, try to tell me how to live life. Try to give me advice.  I have lived this lifestyle longer than they have been alive, and I truly do not believe I will learn anything from them. Don't get me wrong, there have been times I have, but for the most part, I have to sit back and smile, wondering where they get their information from. An online venue that may or may not have the right information. I learned my lifestyle before there was an "online". I learned at the feet of men.

I did not put my likes or dislikes in some neat little check boxes. I did not sit there and wonder if I belonged in a group that allowed power exchange, master/slave, dominant/submissive, Gorean, or anything else. I learned at the feet of men. The titles were simple, master/slave. I did not have to learn to write like this, W/we are going to see T/them. I did not learn how to mark off if I am hetero-flexible, bi, straight or master/dom/slave/sub/undecided. I did not have some self-professed man at the ripe age of 21 telling me he was a master, even tho he lived in his mother's house and did not work.

I did not have some young girl of 19 tell me she was a slave because she followed the rituals of her master online, because he said so. They may never meet because he can't leave his wife of 20 years, and has 3 kids but he is 55 and loves her. And hopes to spend the rest of his life with his "slave". I did not learn under a "woman" who is young enough to be my daughter. I learned at the feet of men.

I did not have some man who claimed to be a master but yet has no income, and preys on women, online. Putting up ads that he is looking for a "live in slave", when in reality he should put is looking for, "someone to support me" But I am master hear me growl.  I did not have someone tell me that I do not belong to their group because I do not believe in their every single whim and ways. I learned at the feet of men.

My experience comes from life, I have learned a lot in those years, but what I have learned most in regards to this way of life. I still can be molded, I still can be shaped, and guided, and commanded. At the feet of a man. A man who knows how to master, and is not afraid of that.

So has age poisoned me, sometimes yes, and sometimes no.

And have I poisoned age, you bet I have.

Life goes on.......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Hmmm, happy hump day!

It is that time of week again, the middle of the week, two more days til the weekend!

And time for my musings of the week.

I am tired of the snow, ice, sleet, rain, cold, winter, blah, blah, blah. And this week was extra hard, I fell on the ice and hurt my "bad" leg. In case you don't remember, I tore my ACL about a year and a half ago, and it hasn't healed the greatest. So I was still experiencing some stiffness and couldn't bend down all the way, as in kneeling. They opted not to do surgery since the recovery rate wasn't all that great. So I have lived with it, doing as much physical therapy as I could. And the other day I slipped on the ice, yep my leg went right out from under me and I hurt that leg again! Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as I first thought it. I am still having some pain, and more stiffness than before, but I do not think it tore again. So I rested in bed for most of the weekend, just to ensure that if something was wrong, I couldn't damage it further. But as of Monday I was out of bed and up and at it again!

Middle age sucks. It is not a pretty process. When you fall down, you do not spring right back up again like you used to. And I won't even begin to go into all the other things that middle age brings. Needless to say it sucks!

I need some new goals for Spring. I have been trying to find some new goals for Spring. I have way too much time on my hands, and it is time to put aside the numbness of grief and get out there and start living again. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on living, but there were times when it was pretty tough. But I made it through all the Holidays and all I can say is YAY! Not that I celebrated them much, but I did make it through and that was a major accomplishment for me. I am glad they are done.

I have now had a curfew added into my life, yes that' right a curfew. I have to be in bed by 3am. Not that it is unreasonable, but it is taking some getting used to. I am so used to staying up til the sun comes up, that I have had to readjust my schedule, but I am finding myself getting up a little earlier in the morning.

I am finally coming out of that frozen state, and it feels pretty good some days, and I have found that I now view life in a different way. I think I have shed myself completely of the rose-colored glasses that I would don once in a great while. But in that, there are days I wish I had them back, even if only for fleeting moments. Being this jaded isn't always such a grand thing either.

Ooh well.....

Life goes on......

A fish out of water.

Lately I feel like a fish out of water, out here floundering around no direction, just out here trying to catch the next breath. I know not what one would expect the day before Valentine's Day, but perhaps it is necessary to express these thoughts and feelings. I belong to several forums and several discussion groups, and I have noticed many fit into these nice neat little containers of what they want in their lives, and what they expect out of their lives. And here I am not fitting into any container, just out here floundering around. That is a good word, even has an erotic ring to it. Flounder.

I love passions, and often lived on them in the past, and still do to some extent, but lately I have found that I need that "container", that "bowl" so to speak. I need the confines of structure. Without it, it doesn't work. Being a submissive(slave), without the confines of structure just doesn't work at all for me. I have been left wondering if I need that micro-management of long ago. That I used to have long ago and have no longer. And I am left here wondering how to place that structure into my own life, without compromising who I am. But I have found that impossible, that one does not put that type of structure into place. I can do the other structure but this one, no. It doesn't work.

So maybe I need to find myself a bowl to live in, because it is not fun to sit out here and flounder, even tho I like the word. The concept of being without those structures is not fun. For instance, if I do not have a curfew I stay up too late. Could I put one into place in my own life, of course I could try, but knowing myself as I do it is always one more minute for this, or one more minute for that until the sun comes up. If I do not have a direction my life is all over the place. I need those established rules and rituals. I miss them.

Hopefully one day I can find my way back into the bowl.

Life goes on......