Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Yes, that is a joke! I do NOT hope your hump day is hot as hell, cuz MINE WAS!

It is hot, really hot, and I will be glad when this heat wave passes.

Living in Illinois leaves a lot to be desired at times. You wait all winter for summer, and then it turns to hot, you can't spend time outside. I just came in from outside and it is still hot and muggy out.

And did I forget to mention that it is hot?

I hope it breaks soon. My air conditioning bill is going to be out of this world! And cooking is pretty much out, who wants to start the oven or the stove with the air conditioner already working overtime. I guess I will just have to pretend I am living a life of luxury. I had dinner out, or should say in, take out, in.

 

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Wow. Long week already. I have had a LONG week, and still two more days to go til Friday.

Thank goodness it is hump day, although I wish it were Friday. Two more days. Two more days til I see him. I know that I talk to him every night on the phone, but that is not the same as having him in my bed. I have a shirt he leaves me every weekend with his scent, that I am to wear to bed every night, but it is not the same as having him in my bed with his scent.

I miss him.

 This week has not been fun, this week I will be glad when it is over. I came to some revelations this week about my past, and I cannot say I like them. I guess when you go digging into your past, you have to be careful what you will "dig" up and I dug up some pretty heavy duty stuff from my past. Now I have to get rid of that stuff from my past. I know the memories will never go away, but the baggage, needs to go. "Nuff said."

I have been reorganizing my life this past week, actually this past year, and I ran across some things that I know I no longer need, and certain things need to be put in order. I have two more bags of stuff going to Goodwill, and I just hauled out two bags to the garbage. I know that some of the stuff I could have saved and donated, but sometimes you just have to what you have to do. Put certain things out for the trash! Get rid of it!

I was thinking to myself how nice that would be if we could do that with certain memories, just get rid of them. But nooooo, instead we have to let them come to mind over and over, and at times they feel like they are going to drive us nuts. And then they refuse to leave our minds, playing over and over and over, until we feel like screaming. Oh wait, I have done that before.

I have opted for a simple life. I want, and need simple. I am tired of complex. I am tired of jumping through hoops and living on that razor's edge of life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the razor's edge of passion, just not in every day life. I need my rituals, I need that structure. I need that daily life of simple structure. And for that to happen, I had/have to clear my mind of some of the past. Spring Cleaning done a little late, but better late than never, I guess.

"Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life."

~Budda~

So right now, I am right where I am, and refusing not to miss life again. I have in the past. I have missed parts of my life, not being where I was. I was trying to be someplace else. Always running ahead and not living in those moments. There are reasons, there are justifications, but the bottom line, at times I compromised too much. At others, I simply did not know, nor understand, and yet at other times, people deceived, and lied, and I ended up living those lies with them, perhaps unknowingly, but still living them.

This time, at this part of my life......I am merely going to be, "me" and all that entails.

Life goes on.........

Constraints of Society.

"Western women have been controlled by ideals and stereotypes as much as by material constraints."

~Naomi Wolf~

I have been sitting here thinking about the constraints of society, those that are put on women, and those that women put on themselves. No, this is not a post about Women's Lib, or anything like that. It is what society deems necessary for the way a woman must live life. In the norm, of the norm, and within the norm. If we do not bow down and live within society, we are labeled, "nonconformists". Not that there is anything wrong with nonconforming, but there is something wrong with following the crowd.

Even in the lifestyle that I live. I read many posts on forums about how one "must" live the lifestyle. How one "must" conform and go by the "rules". What rules I had to ask myself? The rules set out by people, a checklist written by someone that I do not know. The rules laid out there by another that I am not involved with. Even at times when I mention I am a "slave", I am met with an argument, or I am met with someone telling me that I shouldn't "do" that. I do not want to be empowered, I want to be enslaved.

I have always felt trapped by society's rules, wrapped in the barbs of life, waiting for a man to come along and take me out of those trappings and put me in "his". And then people ask me, isn't that exchanging one prison for the other. No, of course it isn't. It is living within the realms of who I am, who I was destined to be, that inherent nature that beats inside of me. So do I live in not only the constraints of society, but also in the constraints of our lifestyle?

No. I refuse. Do I conform to parts of society, absolutely. Do I conform to parts of the lifestyle, absolutely. Am I controlled by ideals and stereotypes and material possessions? To an extent, yes. I am a woman, and am stereotyped as such. I am a slave and stereotyped often as, a victim. Why you ask? Many people think that a slave is broken, that a slave is nothing more than a doormat, that a slave has abuse issues. Am I controlled by ideas, at times yes. But those that I learned a long the way, not the ones that I find on a forum, or a checklist. But instead those that work for "me".

Am I controlled my material possessions? Yes I am. I need a house, I need a car, I need a warm place to be and all the comforts of "home". But do I need those material possessions just because I want them? Or do I need those material possessions just to keep up with the "neighbors". No.

Am I controlled by the "need" for a man? Yes, I am. But not because society tells me I need one. Actually they tell you the opposite now. It used to be the woman was made by the man she married, and now she is made by herself. I would have to say that the man will define me. That the man will be the one that sets my rules and my role. Without the Master, I would not be a slave. Without my Master, I would not be his slave, and would not be defined.

I need those constraints put on by him, I do not need all the constraints of society. I need the blend of both worlds.

Life goes on.....



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! 

It is that time of week again, two more days til Friday!

Have some fun!

Time for an update. I know I have been lazy busy lately, and haven't posted much about "life". I really didn't want to bore you all, nor did I want to pour out my heart and soul on these pages.

As most of you know, I passed the big anniversary date of the past year. And due to that past year, haven't kept up with postings/bloggings. Not that a lot happened this past year, but I finally made it to the year mark, and I have to say, thank goodness!

I for one am glad to put that year behind me. Now it is time to start living again, not that I stopped completely, but there were times it was pretty close. I had to adjust to being "single" again, and that was hard. And then I had to decide where I wanted my life to go, and how I wanted it to go. I decided a couple of months back, I was going to be the "crazy rambling cat woman, with no cats." But then Diva had to do and ruin that, by getting a cat, actually a baby kitty, but still a cat!

Although I have to say, the kitty is confined to her bedroom, and "that" end of the house, so I couldn't even claim that as my own. ~la sigh~ How could I be a crazy rambling cat woman now.

Yes, Diva and Slick still live with me. ~another la sigh~ And on Sunday Diva is going to be 21. The big 21~! Yay! I didn't say she was moving out, I just said she was turning 21. I think I will have that "child" forever. I really do. I mean, really, really, really do. She informed me that I had to make her a jello-cake, and had to have the family over, and had to do this and had to do that. Like I said, she is turning 21, but NO future plans on moving out. As a matter of fact, her boyfriend stays here most of the time too.

And you are probably wondering, why am I bitching, er stating that I am single. 

I have also learned how to be my own handyman. Not really, but that is why they have now created all those wonderful Youtube videos, for DYI's. Have I learned how to do all those DYI's? No, but the videos are interesting. I have managed to learn how to plumb your own toilet, hang up shelving units, fix screen doors, and a number of other handy, dandy home projects. I said I learned how, I didn't say I did it!

I actually thought about putting up an ad on Craigslist, for a handyman.

Wanted: Handyman/Alpha Male. I need some projects done around the house. I need some BIG projects and little projects. You must be able to work weekends and Holidays. Married men need not apply. Anyone under 45 need not apply.
Did I mention that I am looking for an alpha male?
Anyone looking for an easy lay, need not apply.
Anyone looking for a casual lay, need not apply.
Anyone looking for a one-night stand need not apply.
Did I mention that I am looking for an alpha male?
Must have your OWN tools.
You must know how to "fix" things.
And last but not least, did I mention that I am looking for an alpha male?

I said I was THINKING about it, I didn't say I was going to do it.

And guess what?

Life goes on........

The big red check marks in life.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

You are probably wondering why the title, the red check mark and the quote. How in the world will they tie into one blog post. Remember, the crazy, rambling lady? Me? I know I haven't posted in a long time, and I know that I keep telling myself that I have to get off my butt and post. And then I don't. There have been times I was feeling sorry for myself, the things I have went through the past year, and living in that self-pity. So let's just say I put a red check mark on that self-pity and correct it.

Remember when you were in school, and the teacher would get out the brightest red pen/pencil, he/she could find, and put those dreaded red check marks all over your paper? That is how I see life lately, full of red check marks that need to go away! All from the person who hates check lists, and checking off those little boxes of multiple choice. I want concrete answers, or at least answers that could read as;

D). All of the above.

So instead of being allowed all of the above, I am going to go by those red check marks in life. Those things that I know I do not want, or do not need in my life. Things that I have experienced and realized they are not for me. Those things that I have put a red check mark upon them myself. I am on a journey, a journey of self-discovery, the things in my life that I need/want/desire, and asking myself where I am going. Where do I want to see myself. Basically I am starting over, or should say, I am "starting again". Something I did not think I would be doing at 53.

When I think about how I am going to get back out there, and up on that proverbial horse again, it is a scary thought. I know some people say, "JUST DO IT!", but that doesn't work for me in those regards. I have so many walls that I have been working on tearing down, and that does not allow for me to just do it, as I used to. And on the other hand, I often think of doing just that, getting out there and just doing it. Whatever "it" entails.

I know that I am lost without structure in my life, but the wrong kind of structure doesn't work either. I know that I am lost without that man in my life, giving me that kind of structure that I need. I know that many people think and have stated, "You don't need a man in your life to be happy, you have to first be happy within yourself." What a stupid cliche. I am not saying that you shouldn't be happy within yourself, what I am saying is that at times you need that other part of your circle to be happy.

I could sit here and build my life and be happy, as happy as I could be, but without that man that I need to give me what I need, am I really happy. Or perhaps am I just like many others who fake happiness so the outside world never has to see the hurt. Or the missing parts. And then reality slaps me in the face, and I realize I am limited in what I can have for what I need. And that is where negotiations come into play in life. Not red check marks per Se, but I have to weigh the possibilities just to see if they require the red check mark, and sometimes there is no right answer, and that red check mark is there to stay.

I wonder is there a man out there who is willing to put those red check marks up for me?

I am very glad at times like this, that....

Life goes on......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day!!! May it be at least HOT weather wise, it sure isn't here! It is cold, raining and just crappy outside. It feels like winter, but alas that is Spring in Illinois. I want it to be warm! Yes, I am whining. I am tired of the cold, snow, winter, and all that. I have a friend I talk to in Florida, and she loves to rub it in what her weather has been like while I am up here freezing my ass off! Her payback will come soon! And she knows what I mean!

On other news this week, I turned 53, and it sucks. It feels old, and yes I know it is nothing more than a number, and whomever said that lied. It is middle age, no matter how you put it. And trust me, my body knows I am 53. I may not look like it outside, but inside I am every  bit of 53. I was talking to my girlfriend who is almost 40, and we were talking about how some men our ages, seem to go for the younger women. I guess a lot want that youth, having someone young makes them feel young?

But then I have Diva and Slick who live with me, and all their friends who are constantly around, so that is enough youth for me. Sometimes TOO much youth! Last week alone with all of them in and out, we went through like six cases of Mountain Dew! I had to hide my Dr. Pepper in my closet. And we won't even talk about my grocery bill! How I got from middle-age to that, who knows. The ramblings of the mad woman.

But all in all, I did have a good birthday. My mom came over and cooked for me that day, I had my kids, and family, and got lots of goodies, so it was a good birthday. Still going through that first year after The Bastard's death, hitting each birthday, the holidays and all that, and almost done with this first year. In May come the big ones, and I am not looking forward to that at all. But......

Life goes on.......

Confusion.

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." ~Robert McCloskey~


I was sitting wondering if I should put a disclaimer in this blog post, saying it is NOT a rant about men, but a post about myself. Hm, looks like I just did.

Men say that women are complicated and complex, and that all men want are two things, basic needs met....feed them, fuck them and shut up. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it when looking at it that way. And maybe I should base it off of those basic needs, but I have to say I don't always see it that way. Men confuse the hell out of me!

Don't take that the wrong way, I find them fascinating and incredible, but they still confuse me. I realize that in this way of life, that the alpha men rule and we meaning the slaves do not have to understand them in order to serve them. What I do mean is I am filled with confusion. My logical analytical side of the brain cannot join the passionate side of the brain. It doesn't work for me. I want to shout my questions into the Universe and then I want that very same Universe to answer them!

I can be very shy at times, and very timid when learning to approach a man. Once engaged and I know his intentions are clear, I can still be very shy and timid but it turns to a different kind. But how does one go about knowing if his intentions have anything to do what I may think they have to do with. Even with questions, asking them questions, they don't always answer the way I needed to hear. And by needed I mean that it is not clear enough for me, so that only adds more questions to that question.

Confused yet?

I am!!

And why am I looking for double meanings? Because men are confusing! And since I am the type of woman who needs to be pleasing, I question myself so many times, it leads to insecurity. So I am left wondering how to do this without it being so difficult. It is like a glorious mind fuck without an orgasm at times. So I guess I will just have to ride the wild waves of confusion and see where it leads.

Life goes on......