Walking on eggshells......

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."

~Robert Fritz~

It is like I woke up one morning and found myself angry. Very angry, and I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I so angry?" I really had to stop and think, and analyze and take inventory of my life. I found that anger goes back many years and it is carried into the present, and I pray that it is not carried into the future. For the past year and a half I attributed it to grief and all that entails, but then I realized it went back further than that, and grief only added to the anger. I have been carrying that anger around for too many years. It is bondage of the worse kind. I had to ask myself some very serious questions about that anger, and how in the world do I get rid of it. I found that I am angry because I have compromised my life. All your life you are told, you have to compromise. It should be a pretty easy deal/negotiation, you give up something you want in order to get something else you want more. Or is it?

According to Wikipedia;

"To compromise is to make a deal where one person gives up part of his or her demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance, tolerance. In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a "surrender" of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little."

I had to read that part about human relationships several times before it finally hit home. I have compromised myself to the point I have given up "myself." Not in the healthy manner either, but in a very unhealthy one. I had a dream when I was younger of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a stay at home wife, and take care of my husband. That was all I wanted out of my life, until one day my father told me that I had to have more out of life. I should WANT more out of life. So I compromised and told him I would go in the Navy, since he was former Navy. The day I went for my physical the doctor told me I was pregnant. My father was not happy to say the least. My life changed that day, or did it change that day or the day I changed and compromised.

I simply gave up that dream I had as a young girl. It did not fit in with the times, even though I was raised to be a wife in the 70's, every where I went and dared to tell someone that dream, they told me that was a silly dream. I should aspire for a career, be my own person, be independent, don't depend on a man for your happiness, and the list goes on and on. I caved, I listened I did what was expected of me, even in my rebellion, I still did as was expected. After all I was my father's daughter and he told me those very same things long ago.

And rebel, yes I did plenty of that. I took marriage and made a sham out of it. I married for many reasons, many times, not out of love, but for other reasons, and rubbed it in society's face. I found the lifestyle and changed the term, husband and wife to master and slave and promised myself I would never compromise myself in that. I simply compromised in what I wanted and changed it to be something else, and hoped that maybe I would be accepted into an unconventional lifestyle. I compromised again, over and over. The anger continued to build. I felt like I failed so many times, giving up my own traditional values of what I believe/d in.

I fell into trap after trap of finding the "wrong" kind of men. Men who wanted me to change me into something I was not, or men who expected me to change because they could not fit into what I needed and they made me feel as if I was the one who was failing, instead of them failing me. They expected me to compromise with nothing in return. I am not saying every single relationship I have been in has been like that, it hasn't, but the majority of them have been. I gave up checklists years ago in what I wanted from a relationship because I got tired of wrestling for my needs/wants/desires. I gave up so many expectations because I got tired of people telling me they were wrong, and I should not expect so much from one mere mortal.

I have been walking on eggshells for years. I have been walking on eggshells of anger, resentment, rage, sadness, and so many other emotions.

I feel at times I have been tricked into accepting less than what I first set out for. And then I wonder why did I compromise myself to the point I am now a mere shell myself. I also have to wonder is it too late to start over? Is it too late to set my sites on what I wanted as a young girl, only tailoring it to my needs as they are today? Is 53 way too late to even start thinking of what I should have done, or what I could do differently? Is love supposed to be that way? Is it supposed to reach the point that you give so much, or compromise so much that you are left with nothing but a shell?

Is it fair for another person to expect that much compromise? Even if love is involved? Does that much compromise in a relationship promote a healthy one, or a recipe for disaster? I am a traditionalist and I have tried to fit in a non-traditional world, maybe it is time I go back to those traditions and live as I feel I was intended. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so angry anymore. Maybe I could return to feeling as if my shell was filled again. I guess that part is up to me, for I am the one who compromised myself.



Does anyone have a broom? It is time to quit walking on all these eggshells.

Life goes on.....





I dare you......

How much posturing goes on in life, more so in our lifestyle than any other place I have seen. It is like some put on a mask, a cloak and posture all over the place and I have to sit here and wonder why. It seems to be coming out more and more. Or should I say "they" seem to be coming out more and more. No, this is not my cynical take on life, this is my watching, studying and observing people. Coming into contact with self-professed lifestylers. People who supposedly live by those credos. And once again I will put a disclaimer on this*****This is for those that allegedly live by their lifestyle creed.******This is not meant for those that engage in role play online games or are merely players in the lifestyle. This is meant for those who posture themselves all over the place, professing to be someone they are not.




How can you claim to be a slave and profess to give it all up, to surrender heart, mind, body and soul if you run home to your vanilla husband and rule the roost. How can you claim to be a slave/submissive if you only choose to surrender when it is easy, or convenient. How can you claim to be a slave/submissive and have agreed to a power exchange relationship, but yet you don't want to do this or that because it might interfere with your night out with the girls. How can you be a slave if all you want is kinky sex.



How can you claim to be a master if you run home to your vanilla wife, and are henpecked. How can you claim to be a master just because that is the title you put on your checklist, and your life is in a mess. How can you claim to be a master if you secretly and behind closed doors want to be submissive to a woman. How can you claim to be a master if you cannot even control yourself, let alone a slave/submissive. How can you be a master, if you do not "understand" the dynamics. How can you be a master if all you want is kinky sex.



People are cheating themselves, and worse, they are cheating others by posturing. By not being true to who you are, or who you say you are. To stand there and make declarations of living a lifestyle and slamming others for not living that very same way. When it is a sham, a lie, just another form of posturing. How can there possibly be any satisfaction in that. How can anyone build a lasting relationship like that. How can anyone look them self in the mirror each day, and think they are being true to who their claim is to be.



Give to to me straight. I want it right out there, straight and upfront. It does not matter to me what your position is, what your label is, what your preference is but I want it straight. I want to make my own judgements on whether I will like you or not, built on who you are, not who you want me to think you are. I want to be able to decide what purpose it has on my own life, if any at all. I don't think respect is earned, I think respect it is given, by truth, honesty, and by giving it to someone straight.



The Posers out there only cheapen what we call our lifestyle, hurting others and destroying that respect. Why is it so hard to just be yourself. I challenge you all who are reading this to try it for one day, those that are posturing, just be yourself. You might like it! And the others might find that there is one less poser out there to deal with. Perhaps this is our gift in life. To be ourselves so that others can make a conscience decision:



1.The inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.

2. The complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

3. An inhibiting sense of what is prudent.



Again, this is not meant as anything other than my own needs. I do not care who you are, I only care what you are, in living by the very same principals I live, you are yourself. I am a slave, but does that mean I am any less of a mother, sister, daughter, lover, friend. I am a mother, but does that make me any less of a slave. I can be a bitch at times, but does that make me any less of a slave. It might get me in trouble and I will bear the consequences but it makes me simply me.



Wouldn't it be nicer to just see this, than someone who claimed to be a master and wanted your all but yet did nothing to take that all. Wouldn't it be nicer to see this than a slave who only wanted a collar for that status symbol, and yet did nothing to give her all. At least it would give us the options. At least it would give us a choice. And I can bet that there would be less hurts in our lifestyle. This is supposed to be a lifestyle full of open choices, full of having those needs/wants/desires filled. So come on then, let's live it as it was intended.



Give it to me straight. I am taking it myself. And every day I search, I seek, I question, have I lived up to that integrity, that ole adage , “To thine own self be true…..” For we cannot have truth without change. Self-discovery is a hard road to take. But if we give our life to another at the cost of loosing who we are in the process, we will have a hard time living up to being true to ourselves. But if that other person was untrue to who they are, a vicious circle starts. The snowball effect. So let's just start being true to our own self.

"Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself."

~EMILE CIORAN~

A challenge to yourself. Are you ready to take it?


Life goes on.............


With this ring I thee wed......

Not exactly something you would expect to see on my blog, wedding rings. An interesting topic tho, not weddings, but the representation of what a wedding ring means in comparison to a collar. And I kinda hijacked a thread from Fetlife in regards to, is a wedding ring like a collar? It is interesting to read the many that do not think they are anything alike, and very few think they are alike as far as the commitment goes.

Here is the question I am tossing out there, we are in a style of life that we live every single day, we don't don the collars at whim, nor remove them at whim, (Not in the context of how I live my life.) Nor do we take or give those collars lightly. But how much goes along with those collars being the representation of being, 'owned'?

Vs. marriage.

When you are married you set the limits, the boundaries of what you will deal with and what you will not. You discuss things such as children, monies, property, and the likes. You are entering a contract and that contract is supposed to be, "Til death do us part." You prepare for marriage. You blend two separate worlds into one. The same as you do when you are collared. You had better know your Master before accepting his collar, just as he had better know you also. Because that leads to my second part of this. How much do we give up when becoming collared. That is where marriage and this way of life crosses and people start to question.

People don't have a hard time accepting if you give it all up to your husband, actually it is expected. But if you would do that for the Master, people start to ask why, and how much trust do you have that you would give it 'all' up to a Master. With that question there are tones of not having much trust in the one who owns you and is responsible for you. How can we say that we give up our lives but yet hold our assets into check. Hiding them away in a safe little nest so that JUST IN CASE it doesn't work out, we will have something to fall back on. How can we honestly and openly wear that collar with that in mind. How can we say that we have entered into a Master and slave relationship fully if we are holding back. That would be like saying, "You have my heart, my mind, my soul and flesh, but you can't have any say in "my" personal life!"

So how much trust do you need in a Master/slave relationship? Less or more than a conventional marriage? Or does it really compare. I have witnessed many saying that a Master/slave relationship goes so much deeper than a marriage, but then to say that you can only give so much until you get to know someone better, does not ring true. How can you say someone has full control and full responsibility and hold parts back. I really do not understand this pattern of thinking. You get the collar, you are owned, why in the world would you want to put restrictions on that, limitations on that, or reservations on that. If you do NOT trust him enough, why would you wear his collar in the first place.



Why would you pledge to honor, obey, and trust if you did not take time to get to know him before making that decision. Shouldn't that decision have already been made before slipping that collar around your throat. Kind of like that wedding ring, there has to be established trust already, to share/give your life to another. And going one step further with that type of power exchange of Master/slave, if that isn't there, what are you exchanging. A part-time relationship, which in a TPE has no basis for part-time. That is kind of like being equal partners if you ask me. And not what a Master/slave relationship is all about. I believe that is only playing at the dynamics, perhaps because "you" meaning the collective you wishes for playtime, a status quo symbol, instead of a symbolic meaning. So many collars have turned into ''velcro" these days and the commitment level is not there. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say, "We will be together as long as it lasts." What happened to forever?



I take the meaning of a collar serious. It means that I am his for life, until he dictates otherwise. That ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in my life is his and he is privy to anything about my life that he wishes to know. That I am not allowed to hold anything back in that. I must be transparent and trust explicitly. Whatever he wishes, is his. That means that I do as he says and do not question unless he allows it. I trust his judgement, I trust his call, I trust each and every thing he does. I trust him, period. I do not have the right to pick and choose what I will "allow" and what I will "not allow". That trust NEEDS to be there, on both sides. He has no right to collar if he cannot accept the responsibilities and accountability's, just as I have no right to bitch and moan if that "collar" does not fit my needs.

I think it is in all how people look at both, whether it be a wedding ring or a collar. Both people have to decide on the level of commitment they are looking for and go for it. One cannot be afraid of marriage, or be afraid of a collar, or be afraid of, "forever" and the other person isn't. Both people need to agree and hold the same beliefs in the meanings or it becomes cheapened in my humble opinion.



With this collar I thee surrender.......



Life goes on.......

Break free of those chains.

"Freedom is living without chains."

~Indra Devi~

Some chains we can live without, and in this instant I mean "without".  It seems like my themes of late have been about "bondage", but bondage of another kind. Not the good kind, but the bad kind. And yes there is a bad kind of bondage. I have been living in it for years and I want to be free. I have been living with the past all wrapped around me, and now it is time for it to go. Do I think it will be that easy, no.

I was thinking tonight about all those chains we allow ourselves to be tangled up in, and how to break free of those chains. For me, I think I will need an axe, or perhaps a welder. Yes they are tight and constrictive, and my quest is how to break free of those chains. How to cut them away til I am free. Free to live life as I want/need. Sometimes those chains come in the form of guilt, and I think that one can be the most confining at times.

I have to ask myself why in the world do people try to make you feel guilty. Because they can I guess. Because we allow them to? Because they are not happy in their own lives? I really don't have the answers but I keep wondering why. And then there are the chains that are engulfing, and seem to take away our breath at times. And then there are the chains that hold us tight and refuse at times to let us budge. We become still wrapped tightly in those chains.

It is time. It is time to try and break free of those chains, and wrap myself in freedom.

Life goes on......



Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day.

The middle of the week, a time for me to reflect on what has been going on this past week, a time to get excited for the weekend. I am trying to get excited for the weekend, but the schedules are all messed up and I have to get used to another one. I hate change in some ways. It throws me off balance and takes my structure away. I need more structure in my life, I need more balance in my life. I need more direction in my life. It feels like I am out there floundering around again. And it gives me panic attacks and ulcer attacks.

I have been back in my house for over a year now, and it still needs organized. I worked some on it tonight, and think I should put an ad up on Craigslist:

Free to good home.

A 21 year old Diva complete with boyfriend and a cat, and all kinds of junk stuff.

A 18 year old male with a cat, and all kinds of junk stuff.

All their friends that hang around, sleep on the couch and eat.

I think that pretty much says it all. After all it is all FREE!

I tried to make Diva go through all her clothes that are in the laundry room, and her response, "Well I don't want them all!" Well duh, I could tell that, some of them have been sitting there in baskets since we moved back. So I organized them tonight and told her they were either going in her room, or out the door. Think that will work?

And when I made dinner, spinach raviolis, they all looked at me like I had three heads. Forgive me please, that it did not have meat in it. I think I will tell them I have went Vegan and see their reactions.

I need a vacation. A long over-due vacation. Someplace where the younger generation will not find me.

I need a maid.

I need a new frame of mind I guess.

I wonder what would happen if I put an ad up on Craigslist that said;

HELP!!!!

Life goes on........



Prisoner of my Past.

"I began to feel that, in a sense, we were all prisoners of our own history."

~Roland Joffe~

I am starting to feel like a prisoner of my past. It haunts me almost daily. For those of you who did not follow my past blog, I suffer from PTSD, and at times panic attacks, and slight agoraphobia. "We" named them episodes, and lately they have been assaulting me quite a bit. I have a few ideas why, the number one being that I am in a new relationship and perhaps I feel guilty from the past relationship. It is hard to get closure when the person you were with, dies, but yet you are the one left to carry on, and live life. I know that relationship was not healthy, it did not work as well as I thought it once did, but the point being, it is too late to worry about it anymore. Or it should be. Or I wish it was.

But I am stuck here behind the "bars" of my past. I am trying to break free of those bars, and get out from behind those walls, but each time I try, I feel that I am failing. I hope that it does not affect my current relationship, but I know it is going to from time to time. It has. I am very lucky I have a patient man in my life. I only hope that it continues, I hope he continues to have the patience that I need. He left here earlier today after spending a couple of days together, and this weekend was better than last weekend! Last weekend wasn't real great on my part, I was a bitch as much as I hate to say it, I was. Not intentional, but the bottom line I was. I had a really crappy week last week, and not even sure what happened.

Ever since I have been on a journey to figure out why I am still behind those walls. I have asked myself if I was conditioned or manipulated, or whatever, and all I could come up with, it happened. I may never know the reasons why, I may always have to ask the question, but the bottom line, I need to get out from behind those walls and start living my life again. Being a prisoner is like being a victim and I refuse to be a victim anymore. I chant to myself that I am with "Mister" now, and it is a new and different relationship and if I don't get my life together, there might not be another chance to escape those bars. I have found myself very scared and that is halting a lot of my journey. I don't want to be stuck behind bars anymore.

I have been asking myself why do we do these things to ourselves, but then again, do we, or do we allow others and circumstances to do that to us. I think it is both, that we make choices, and often the wrong choices, and then we are stuck with the consequences. We often take the blame for other people, when we shouldn't. I guess that is a human trait, and something we need to learn not to do. I guess when they say love is blind, often times it is. Or maybe it wasn't love, maybe it was something else, only thinking it was love.

Anyway, I am on a mission to break free of that prison.

Life goes on......

Broken.

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul, if either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction."~Kahlil Gibran~

I had a person ask me today if I thought I was "broken" due to the way I choose to live my life. I had to think about that one for a moment, really think and a quote came to mind. And with that quote I had to think more, for how can you have reason and passion together working as one, but then through that quote, I realized you have to have both to work, one without the other will not work. So yes, I am broken, I have been tossing about for some time now. Not at a standstill, but tossing about, like broken glass, all over the place.

But, before I go any further, I think I have been broken in a different way for many years. I am not of the norm, do I choose to live my life as the "norm". I figured that it must be something in my make-up, deep inside of myself that makes me crave the dynamics of Master/slave. I have tried, "nilla", I have many times in the past, and found that it lacks what I "need". Not what I want, or desire, but what I need. It lacks passion, it lacks the reason I need to keep the passion from burning to destruction. I need a man, I need a Master, I need the dynamics that make me thrive and feel less broken. I have read many posts over the years about how submissives/slaves must be broken due to the nature of who they are, what they need, and how desperate they are.

I can relate, I am that person, I am that slave. I need that direction, I need that dominance, I need that structure, I need those rules and rituals, and that absolute power exchange. I would rather hear, "Good girl." than "Nice job." I read things on blogs, on posts, on Fetlife that talk about, physical aspects" of the lifestyle and how they make or break a slave. I disagree. Physical is a mere piece of the pie so to speak, at least for me. The mind, and the soul is what makes it work, what makes me tick. The mental is what makes me thrive and not flounder out there, or floating about with no direction.

I suffer PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from a previous abusive relationship, vanilla. It had nothing to do with M/s. Another broken crack in my make-up. Many would say that I was not broken beforehand, I would disagree again. Why? Because I was looking for an intense Master/slave relationship, and often that line is indiscernible. The line between abuse and mastery. I don't need someone to "fix" me, not in that way. I don't need someone to try to "heal" me, not in that way. What I need is someone to embrace my nature and nurture it in the ways it needs to be.

I can remember when I was a little girl thinking that I needed to be "married" to be whole. That is what I was groomed for, but even in that, my first marriage happened when I was 18 and it was nothing what I expected it to be. He was not the leader of the house, I wasn't the leader of the house, just two kids playing house. I kept searching for that "relationship" I had imagined in my mind, even though I had no idea what that type of relationship was. I did not come from an abusive home, I came from an average middle-class home. I kept wondering how in the world did I come up with a list of needs that were not "average". I kept searching and searching and having people telling me that there must be something wrong with me.

And now at the age of 53, I know from years of experience, I am broken in so many ways. Without that reason and that passion blended together in harmony, I will become more broken and then I will be floating around out there aimlessly. No direction, no sense of "me" left. And I just got out of that, not too long ago. I am still fighting getting "right" within myself. I suffered in a past relationship, and am trying my damnest not to bring it into the previous one. It has not been easy.

How do I determine which type of "broken" is healthy and which type is not? The type that is healthy for me is the type that gives me direction and makes me thrive. The type that is unhealthy is the type that leaves me out there drifting and tossing about.

So in answer to the question, yes I am broken, both the good and the bad. I need to learn to heal, I need to learn to embrace. I need to learn to trust that I am on the right path at times, and not resist. I need to shake free of those shackles that society has placed on me, and put "HIS" on instead. I have no misguided sense that he can heal me of the bad broken, but I do have expectations that he too will embrace the good broken.

Life goes on......