Are we captured in time?

"Does age poison us, or do we poison age?" ~Astrid Aladua~ 

I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday. It was about age and growing older. It was about turning 53 in a month and feeling that perhaps age has poisoned me. It is about reading on the forums that I belong to, why do middle-aged men seem to pick younger women for the most part. It is that we reach a point in our lives that perhaps we have gained too much experience? It is about that people thrive on youth, and we have forgotten to have that same excitement when we were younger, because of our age and our experience?

Do I feel 52? Yes some days I do, and some days I don't. But what I do feel is that when people "hear" your age and the years I have been in the lifestyle, they are in awe, but many think that you might be "too" old to be of any use. What an oxymoron in so many ways. Some people want to use that experience, by listening, by learning, but when it comes right down to it, do they want to take it upon themselves to take an older mature person on in the ways of ownership. Or do they want a brand new and shiny, that they can mold and shape to their likes and their dislikes.

Can a person be too old to shape and mold to someones desire? Is there anything left? I think so yes, but that is just my humble opinion. Do we reach a stage of burn-out, due to the age, or the poisons of that age? Or perhaps due to other people's take on the age limitations? There is even a group on Fetlife for people over 50! Which is nice to know that, at least we have an old-age home on there too. Somewhere stuffed away as not to bother the youngsters.

Do I sound cynical? Yes, a little. Why? Because I find it funny when someone of say the ripe age of 18, 19, 20, or 20's, try to tell me how to live life. Try to give me advice.  I have lived this lifestyle longer than they have been alive, and I truly do not believe I will learn anything from them. Don't get me wrong, there have been times I have, but for the most part, I have to sit back and smile, wondering where they get their information from. An online venue that may or may not have the right information. I learned my lifestyle before there was an "online". I learned at the feet of men.

I did not put my likes or dislikes in some neat little check boxes. I did not sit there and wonder if I belonged in a group that allowed power exchange, master/slave, dominant/submissive, Gorean, or anything else. I learned at the feet of men. The titles were simple, master/slave. I did not have to learn to write like this, W/we are going to see T/them. I did not learn how to mark off if I am hetero-flexible, bi, straight or master/dom/slave/sub/undecided. I did not have some self-professed man at the ripe age of 21 telling me he was a master, even tho he lived in his mother's house and did not work.

I did not have some young girl of 19 tell me she was a slave because she followed the rituals of her master online, because he said so. They may never meet because he can't leave his wife of 20 years, and has 3 kids but he is 55 and loves her. And hopes to spend the rest of his life with his "slave". I did not learn under a "woman" who is young enough to be my daughter. I learned at the feet of men.

I did not have some man who claimed to be a master but yet has no income, and preys on women, online. Putting up ads that he is looking for a "live in slave", when in reality he should put is looking for, "someone to support me" But I am master hear me growl.  I did not have someone tell me that I do not belong to their group because I do not believe in their every single whim and ways. I learned at the feet of men.

My experience comes from life, I have learned a lot in those years, but what I have learned most in regards to this way of life. I still can be molded, I still can be shaped, and guided, and commanded. At the feet of a man. A man who knows how to master, and is not afraid of that.

So has age poisoned me, sometimes yes, and sometimes no.

And have I poisoned age, you bet I have.

Life goes on.......

Middle of the Week Musings.

Hmmm, happy hump day!

It is that time of week again, the middle of the week, two more days til the weekend!

And time for my musings of the week.

I am tired of the snow, ice, sleet, rain, cold, winter, blah, blah, blah. And this week was extra hard, I fell on the ice and hurt my "bad" leg. In case you don't remember, I tore my ACL about a year and a half ago, and it hasn't healed the greatest. So I was still experiencing some stiffness and couldn't bend down all the way, as in kneeling. They opted not to do surgery since the recovery rate wasn't all that great. So I have lived with it, doing as much physical therapy as I could. And the other day I slipped on the ice, yep my leg went right out from under me and I hurt that leg again! Thank goodness it wasn't as bad as I first thought it. I am still having some pain, and more stiffness than before, but I do not think it tore again. So I rested in bed for most of the weekend, just to ensure that if something was wrong, I couldn't damage it further. But as of Monday I was out of bed and up and at it again!

Middle age sucks. It is not a pretty process. When you fall down, you do not spring right back up again like you used to. And I won't even begin to go into all the other things that middle age brings. Needless to say it sucks!

I need some new goals for Spring. I have been trying to find some new goals for Spring. I have way too much time on my hands, and it is time to put aside the numbness of grief and get out there and start living again. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on living, but there were times when it was pretty tough. But I made it through all the Holidays and all I can say is YAY! Not that I celebrated them much, but I did make it through and that was a major accomplishment for me. I am glad they are done.

I have now had a curfew added into my life, yes that' right a curfew. I have to be in bed by 3am. Not that it is unreasonable, but it is taking some getting used to. I am so used to staying up til the sun comes up, that I have had to readjust my schedule, but I am finding myself getting up a little earlier in the morning.

I am finally coming out of that frozen state, and it feels pretty good some days, and I have found that I now view life in a different way. I think I have shed myself completely of the rose-colored glasses that I would don once in a great while. But in that, there are days I wish I had them back, even if only for fleeting moments. Being this jaded isn't always such a grand thing either.

Ooh well.....

Life goes on......

A fish out of water.

Lately I feel like a fish out of water, out here floundering around no direction, just out here trying to catch the next breath. I know not what one would expect the day before Valentine's Day, but perhaps it is necessary to express these thoughts and feelings. I belong to several forums and several discussion groups, and I have noticed many fit into these nice neat little containers of what they want in their lives, and what they expect out of their lives. And here I am not fitting into any container, just out here floundering around. That is a good word, even has an erotic ring to it. Flounder.

I love passions, and often lived on them in the past, and still do to some extent, but lately I have found that I need that "container", that "bowl" so to speak. I need the confines of structure. Without it, it doesn't work. Being a submissive(slave), without the confines of structure just doesn't work at all for me. I have been left wondering if I need that micro-management of long ago. That I used to have long ago and have no longer. And I am left here wondering how to place that structure into my own life, without compromising who I am. But I have found that impossible, that one does not put that type of structure into place. I can do the other structure but this one, no. It doesn't work.

So maybe I need to find myself a bowl to live in, because it is not fun to sit out here and flounder, even tho I like the word. The concept of being without those structures is not fun. For instance, if I do not have a curfew I stay up too late. Could I put one into place in my own life, of course I could try, but knowing myself as I do it is always one more minute for this, or one more minute for that until the sun comes up. If I do not have a direction my life is all over the place. I need those established rules and rituals. I miss them.

Hopefully one day I can find my way back into the bowl.

Life goes on......

The New Year-The past refuses to leave.

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~Hal Borland~

Every year we look forward to a new year, a new beginning, why I have wondered these past few weeks. Why do we do that to ourselves, telling us the new year is going to be so much better than the past. Because I would suppose we need hope. The kind of hope you can wrap yourself in and pretend the past year did not happen. But it did, and it refuses to leave, no matter how much hope we try to wrap up inside our souls.

We still have to deal with the past year, and last year was pretty bad, and this new year isn't looking too great either. It sure didn't start off good. My uncle passed away on Friday, and now in the beginning of this new year, I have to deal with death yet once again. He was always like a father to me, always there, the most consistent man in my life. I would write a tribute, but I am not ready for that. It has brought up so many emotions and I know in my heart he lived a long and productive life, but what a cliche that is. It doesn't take away the fact that he is gone, that we miss him like mad, that it doesn't matter how old they are, we are never ready for them to go. NEVER!

He was married to my aunt for 56 years, that is longer than I have been alive on this earth. I can't even begin to imagine staying with one person that long. Don't get me wrong, I tried once upon a time, and it didn't work. But for them, it worked. I don't know how, all I know is it did. And she is sad and lonely and has no idea how she will make it without him. That makes me sad, sad for her. To lose the love of her life, the man she has spent her entire life with, and now he is gone.

So, in regards to that, and other things the past refuses to leave. It clings and hangs on and no matter how hard we try to shake it off, we are left with the memories that engulf us, and the thoughts that refuse to leave. Trust me, I have tried, I have tried to get up and move on, and yet here I sit, wondering, and thinking to myself, why can't I do this. It should be easy, it should be easy to try and put the past behind you. Wrong. It is not going to be easy, it is not going to be pretty.

In doing this past year in review, it sucked. First The Bastard died, and then my godfather died the week after. Then I had to move from the big house back into my house, downsize and paperwork up the well you know where, and all that entailed, and thinking maybe, just maybe this new year would bring some sort of happiness. And then my uncle dies and we are not even done with January yet. I know we still have 11 more months to go, but damn it, how about a break.

I am tired of being sad.

Maybe I should be thankful, or maybe I should not.......that.........

Life goes on.........

Middle of the week musings.

Happy Hump Day!

Okay, this one is going to cover it all.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I made it through the holidays, but it was hard. I didn't think it would be as hard as it was, but it was hard.

Nuff said about that. They are over and for that I am glad.

It is time to get off my ass and get in gear and get this life going again. It has been on hold for the most part. I need motivation, and I need energy to get up and do what has to be done.

And then I wonder how to do that. I used to have all these little rituals I would do upon rising in the morning. And one of them was writing in my old blog almost every day, and then once I deleted my old blog, I quit. I re-started this one, but it is not the same. I also have a "vanilla" one for family and friends, and maybe it is time to start another one, and just have it out there in the cyber world. But then I wonder would I do that one either.

Who knows.

How does one just open yourself back up instead of remaining tightly closed off.

Who knows.

I have no answer other than trying every day to regain some of "me" back.

And winter sure doesn't help the situation either. I hate winter. I hate the cold, snow, rain and the dreary days of it all.

I want spring and summer.

No words of wisdom in my middle of the week musings, just that ......

Life goes on........

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! It is almost Friday for all you out there who wish to enjoy the weekend!

Well I am back to complaining about winter, it is upon us full blast. Snow, snow, cold, cold, snow, and cold. You think that you would get used to it living in Illinois in the winter, but it is the same every year, dreaded, and cold and snowy. And still hated. But then again, that will never go away, I don't think humans were meant to live in the cold climates!

And Diva was in an accident, not hurt, not even the car. But she skidded off the road and ended up in our neighbor's front yard. I told her that she needs to quit plowing snow with her brother's car. But I don't think she found that very funny. And now she is afraid to drive in the snow. I tried to tell her that his car is a great big boat, a 1970 Delta 88, and was not meant for the snow, but does she listen, no! Not that girl!

And my son is his loveable smart ass ways, told her that she had no business driving his car to begin with. Even tho he gave her permission. We had to sell hers because it did not run, and we had several mechanics look at it, and still could not figure out what was wrong with it. Now she is without a car, and that is not good for Diva. I hope she hurries and finds one fast!

This week I have went back to being numb a bit. But that is becoming a comfortable place. Since I have been there so much in the past year.

I am glad 2010 is almost over, this year sucked.

Christmas is almost here, and I haven't decorated at all. Maybe I won't this year, but my kids keep nagging me, even tho 18 and 20, I guess they still want rituals.

It is hard tho to celebrate when you have to deal with a death, and have Christmas presents in the closet for him.

Maybe one day I will stop grieving so much. Some days are better than others, but they say to give yourself a year.

Who knows.

Not me.

All I can say is, I hope so.

And that......

Life goes on............

Tawdry Tuesday.

This one is a story about learning lessons. And obeying.


Let me provide you with a little background information first......setting the scene as you will.

I used to go to the clubs a lot, the BDSM clubs, or Social Clubs as they are called. I was very involved in the local scene. And I loved it! I loved the people, the exhibitionism, the freedom of play going on, and just that overall sense of being someplace where you could actually just let loose and have fun. I loved meeting new people, seeing old friends, and just chatting for the biggest part of the night.

One Saturday night a former Master had taken me to one of those clubs, and after doing the greetings and chatting for quite some time, he decided he wanted to do a scene, a rather intense scene and told me to get prepared. Told me to strip down to the bare essentials, and asked me if I had to go to the bathroom. I stripped down until I was standing there in all my naked glory and told him no I did not need to use the restroom. He asked me if I was sure, I reassured him I was.

He made me lay down on this table, kind of like a lower version of a dining room table, well smaller too, and he proceeded to put ankle and wrist cuffs on, along with adding chains to them and securing me to the legs of the table and then came the spreader bar. There I lay all spread out like I was going to be the main course for supper. And as soon as he ran his fingers over my flesh, down to my pelvic area, I had to pee!!! I tried holding it, but have you ever tried to squeeze those muscles in that position! Not gonna happen!!!

I meekly looked at him and started to beg to go pee. He was not pleased, he was annoyed. Ohh hell, I had pissed off the Master! I begged some more and he finally relented, told me to hurry up and get my ass to that bathroom, go pee, do NOT stop and talk to anyone there, or back. DO NOT STOP for any reasons! And if I did I would pay dearly with my flesh! And I really hate pain, so I was gonna obey no matter what! I scurried off to do his bidding.

That bathroom was a long way down, and I had to pass the entire club just to get there. I was off! I tried not to look at anyone and just went inside the bathroom, hurried and peed like a good girl, wiped, washed my hands and fled! On the journey back I could hear my name resounding into the air, over and over they were shouting for me. No!!! I could not stop, don't pay attention, they just wanted me to get into trouble. I looked over my shoulder and flashed a friend of mine a wink. She shouted my name louder.

I turned my head back to the Masterly Dude and there he was standing, hands on hips looking very displeased! Yikes! I made my long legs move faster. Still people shouting my name!! I was breathless by the time I had returned to him. And there he stood laughing at me. I looked at him all indignant, and told him I had obeyed! I did not talk to a single person! His laughter hurled out even more! He kind of spun me around and parted my thighs, and reached down to snag a piece of toilet paper that was caught between my legs. Brought it up to wave like a white flag before my eyes, and bend down to whisper in sadistic glee, "You give a whole new meaning to bathroom play slutcheeks."

I blushed profusely from head to toe.

The moral of this story is: Always check your equipment before doing a scene.

Life goes on..........