Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! It is almost Friday for all you out there who wish to enjoy the weekend!

Well I am back to complaining about winter, it is upon us full blast. Snow, snow, cold, cold, snow, and cold. You think that you would get used to it living in Illinois in the winter, but it is the same every year, dreaded, and cold and snowy. And still hated. But then again, that will never go away, I don't think humans were meant to live in the cold climates!

And Diva was in an accident, not hurt, not even the car. But she skidded off the road and ended up in our neighbor's front yard. I told her that she needs to quit plowing snow with her brother's car. But I don't think she found that very funny. And now she is afraid to drive in the snow. I tried to tell her that his car is a great big boat, a 1970 Delta 88, and was not meant for the snow, but does she listen, no! Not that girl!

And my son is his loveable smart ass ways, told her that she had no business driving his car to begin with. Even tho he gave her permission. We had to sell hers because it did not run, and we had several mechanics look at it, and still could not figure out what was wrong with it. Now she is without a car, and that is not good for Diva. I hope she hurries and finds one fast!

This week I have went back to being numb a bit. But that is becoming a comfortable place. Since I have been there so much in the past year.

I am glad 2010 is almost over, this year sucked.

Christmas is almost here, and I haven't decorated at all. Maybe I won't this year, but my kids keep nagging me, even tho 18 and 20, I guess they still want rituals.

It is hard tho to celebrate when you have to deal with a death, and have Christmas presents in the closet for him.

Maybe one day I will stop grieving so much. Some days are better than others, but they say to give yourself a year.

Who knows.

Not me.

All I can say is, I hope so.

And that......

Life goes on............

Tawdry Tuesday.

This one is a story about learning lessons. And obeying.


Let me provide you with a little background information first......setting the scene as you will.

I used to go to the clubs a lot, the BDSM clubs, or Social Clubs as they are called. I was very involved in the local scene. And I loved it! I loved the people, the exhibitionism, the freedom of play going on, and just that overall sense of being someplace where you could actually just let loose and have fun. I loved meeting new people, seeing old friends, and just chatting for the biggest part of the night.

One Saturday night a former Master had taken me to one of those clubs, and after doing the greetings and chatting for quite some time, he decided he wanted to do a scene, a rather intense scene and told me to get prepared. Told me to strip down to the bare essentials, and asked me if I had to go to the bathroom. I stripped down until I was standing there in all my naked glory and told him no I did not need to use the restroom. He asked me if I was sure, I reassured him I was.

He made me lay down on this table, kind of like a lower version of a dining room table, well smaller too, and he proceeded to put ankle and wrist cuffs on, along with adding chains to them and securing me to the legs of the table and then came the spreader bar. There I lay all spread out like I was going to be the main course for supper. And as soon as he ran his fingers over my flesh, down to my pelvic area, I had to pee!!! I tried holding it, but have you ever tried to squeeze those muscles in that position! Not gonna happen!!!

I meekly looked at him and started to beg to go pee. He was not pleased, he was annoyed. Ohh hell, I had pissed off the Master! I begged some more and he finally relented, told me to hurry up and get my ass to that bathroom, go pee, do NOT stop and talk to anyone there, or back. DO NOT STOP for any reasons! And if I did I would pay dearly with my flesh! And I really hate pain, so I was gonna obey no matter what! I scurried off to do his bidding.

That bathroom was a long way down, and I had to pass the entire club just to get there. I was off! I tried not to look at anyone and just went inside the bathroom, hurried and peed like a good girl, wiped, washed my hands and fled! On the journey back I could hear my name resounding into the air, over and over they were shouting for me. No!!! I could not stop, don't pay attention, they just wanted me to get into trouble. I looked over my shoulder and flashed a friend of mine a wink. She shouted my name louder.

I turned my head back to the Masterly Dude and there he was standing, hands on hips looking very displeased! Yikes! I made my long legs move faster. Still people shouting my name!! I was breathless by the time I had returned to him. And there he stood laughing at me. I looked at him all indignant, and told him I had obeyed! I did not talk to a single person! His laughter hurled out even more! He kind of spun me around and parted my thighs, and reached down to snag a piece of toilet paper that was caught between my legs. Brought it up to wave like a white flag before my eyes, and bend down to whisper in sadistic glee, "You give a whole new meaning to bathroom play slutcheeks."

I blushed profusely from head to toe.

The moral of this story is: Always check your equipment before doing a scene.

Life goes on..........

Middle of the week musings.

Happy Hump Day!

I haven't done one of these for a long time, and figured it was time to get my butt in gear. I have many of middle of the week musings going on today!

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, it doesn't really matter.

My favorite chocolate are still Dove promises. You get both in a treat. Chocolate, dark and smooth, and a promise.

Seven months and one day.

I still am not over it.

I wonder if I ever will be.

Things leave an impact on your life, and imprints on your soul.

I hate winter, and it is almost upon us once again.

I had to put away the flip-flops and replace them with funky boots. You know those type of boots, almost like wearing slippers. I love those boots, but I rarely wear socks.

I hate socks.

I have always loved the feeling of my bare feet touching fabrics or materials of the "things" I wear on my feet.

Take time out of your day to listen to music, at least one favorite song of the day. It helps, but then again so does smashing glass and watching it burst into a million pieces.

I write dark poetry, and it still does not express all the emotions inside.

I wonder if anything will. But then I know it has, for I have felt the tears.

My youngest child turned 18 this month.

My oldest child turned 34 this month.

I feel old.

I found a new fingernail polish, "Salvation Red." I wonder if there is hidden meaning in that.

I realized often my words have no meaning, only ramblings, and babblings of nonsense.

I found out that I have no words of wisdom to live by, other than.....

Life goes on.......

Alpha Male + Alpha Bitch, Survival of the Fittest.

I have been thinking again. I know, thinking, thinking, thinking. But that is what I do best. I have a lot of time on my hands and my brain never seems to shut off. I was having a discussion today about how alpha men draw alpha bitches to them. So my brain has been going around and around on the subject.

It truly is survival of the fittest. It is as nature intended it to be in my humble opinion. I mean how could I be with a man who was not alpha, who was less than what nature intended him to be. An inherent quality of being at the top of chain. Being of the fittest, the natural order. How it was meant to be. I did not always believe this, when I was young, I thought that fairy tales came true, and my prince would ride out of the sunset on his white steed.

What a silly girl I was!

Even in those fantasies I knew I needed a strong man. I was a very strong willed person, and still am. I could not be with a man who was less strong than I. I could not be the top alpha in the chain. I have to have that exchange, that power exchange, that TPE, the completion of how nature provided it for me. I am not saying this works for everyone, these are just my beliefs. I was taught from a very early age, that the man rules the home, the woman merely takes care of it under his guidance. His command.

I have been in wrong relationships over the years where the men were less than alphas and it did not work. It was simple, it did not work and I ended up being miserable. They were threatened by my alpha nature. They would see at times that I was trying to take over their authority, but in all reality, since they did not or could not handle it, someone had to. There always has to be one who has the most authority. Even in companies, someone has to have at least 51% of the vote. Otherwise how would anyone get anywhere. You wouldn't. It would fail.

And that is how I feel it should be in a relationship between a man and a woman. At least in my world. I want and need the man to have the 51%. I can do it, of course I can and have. I was a single mother, and you had to do it, or else you would not have been able to take care of your kids. But wanting to, and needing to is another story all together. I do not want to, I do not need to. I need the opposite.

It is a need.

I am an alpha bitch. I need that alpha male, just as nature promised. All those glorious inherent traits an alpha male presents.

Never Qualifies Himself: The alpha male makes no apologies, he doesn’t explain his behavior. he is completely comfortable in his own skin so he doesn’t need to. They don’t boast about their success or try and prove anything – again they don’t need to; they assume you will like them simply because other people do, but they don’t care if you don’t – they won’t chase after you for your validation, they don’t care.


Confidence: The biggest asset to possess, no matter where you are, is self confidence. Believing in yourself, no matter what, is one of the alpha male traits that truly stands out. There is a fine line between self belief and arrogance, and the alpha male is well aware of these boundaries and knows how to handle it. He will appear supremely composed, and will leave you amazed at his level of confidence.

No Explanations: An alpha male will not look to anybody for approval. He will follow his instincts, and not feel like he owes anybody any explanations. There is no urge within him to justify and validate his actions and words to anybody. The most obvious of all the alpha male characteristics is that he is comfortable in his own skin and does not look and hope for any one's approval.


And they have more wonderful traits too, but those are the jest of it. And that is what I am drawn to. I believe it is survival of the fittest, you have to claw and scratch and fight your way to the top, and I could not imagine not being with an alpha male.

What can I say.

I am an alpha bitch.

And this quote perhaps says it better than I could.....

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." ~Anais Nin~



Life goes on.......

Caution-Rant Ahead.

Somedays I feel that I should be surrounded by caution tape. For the rants are coming and I can feel them. Maybe I should try some type of bondage and just wrap caution tape around myself and warn people to just stay away. It would be easy if we could do that here and there. It is easy on BloggerVille, just put it in your title and people will probably read it! Put it around yourself and people would probably come just to snoop and see what the caution is. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter, people are going to look, peek, snoop, nose around, because it is like a trainwreck. We have to see what we aren't supposed to look at.

I just feel like ranting today and my topic of the day, Hypocrites.

hypocrite [ˈhɪpəkrɪt]


n

a person who pretends to be what he is not

[from Old French ipocrite, via Late Latin, from Greek hupokritēs one who plays a part, from hupokrinein to feign, from krinein to judge]


People who use this lifestyle, this way of life, or whatever your label is, as an excuse. Yes, they use it as an excuse. An excuse to be something they are not, nor could they ever be. They use it as an excuse to con people into believing they are something they could never be. Because they need validation, or perhaps to just use to with the guise of getting kink. I know that sounds cynical, but it does grow weary with this lovely thing we have, the internet.

Anyone can be a dominant, a submissive, or master, slave, anyone can be whatever they want to be. I believe those traits are inherent, natural, not self-professed, not labeled, not because I want to get in your pants, and I found out what you need, so therefore I will pretend to be something you want/need.

And I have seen this for many years, and grow worse every year. The predators out there, the wannabes, the posers, the people who posture. And I wonder, why, why, why? Why not just tell someone you want to practice kink, why not just tell people that you are not sure what you are, maybe you are searching to find out, and in all honesty, not quite sure. I guess I will never understand the concepts behind those type of lies. Maybe they are truly deluding themselves, into thinking they are something they are not.

And I can see that if one is younger and less experienced, but some of these people have been "practicing" this same bullshit for years. The same stories over and over, I am master/obey, I am slave/submit. I have heard the same excuses for years and years, and could probably write a 1000 page book on them. Being a widow, belonging to some forums, you hear A LOT of excuses!

Whatever happened to the art of conversation, communicating, getting to know someone and asking tons of questions with upfront answers. I mean I can say I don't like lists per se, but I have them. And I don't mind sharing them with people. I just don't list things I have tried and might not like, but might try again if the circumstances are right on them. But I do put my hardcore limits on them, and I do put what I will tolerate and what I will not. I am open to discussions. I am open to conversations. I am open to communication.

What I am not up to, is wasting my time. What I am not up to is trying to get money out of me. What I am not up to are lies upon lies and finding out the truth through other people. Or finding it out on my own. What I am not up to is, people not being who they say they are. Because if you tell me you are something, I am going to hold you to it.

Yes, I know this has been going on for ages, but it seems more prominent since the internet, and as I said grows and grows more and more every year.

Am I cynical, you bet your sweet ass.

Am I jaded, sure am.

Am I still out there trying to find faith in humanity, yep, every day.

Life goes on..............

Happy Birthday The Bastard!

Happy Birthday The Bastard!

Today would have been his 49th birthday. So instead of being sad and thinking about his death, I wish to celebrate his life! And all the wonderful memories that we shared together.

He left a hole in my heart, but he gave me memories, he gave me laughter, he gave me his love. And for that I want to wish him a Happy Birthday and celebrate with cake! He loved cake, he loved sweets!

I would like to think of him smiling down with a big piece of cake in his hand!

And you know how you are supposed to make a wish when you blow out the candles? Well since he is not here to blow them out and make the wish, I will do it for him......

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."


~ Author Unknown~


Life goes on...........

Middle of the Week Musings.

Happy Hump Day! Grab a handful and let's enjoy the rest of the week!

I used to look so forward to the weekends. I could not wait for the weekends. It was a time when everyone was off of work, and I was able to spend time with those that I cared about. Now it is like another day.

Another weekend, just another day. All the days are blending into one. I get up everyday and wonder what day it is, for they all seem the same. What sets apart one day to the next, from Hump Day to the weekend. I used to count down the days, I used to wish them to hurry, and now it seems that every day is the same. They pass quickly at times, and at others they drag, but they all seem the same.

I wish I had a cook, and a maid.

I have realized that submissive women need a man. I know all you women libbers that it is NOT the way it is supposed to be. But since The Bastard's death I have realized that one of the biggest reasons it was, has been so hard is that the women in my house, meaning me and Diva have felt the loss so much more than most, because we need a man. Don't get me wrong, I have been a single mother most of my adult life in those regards and I know how to run a home, how to put structure into my life, and those of my children. But submissive women need a man. It is pretty simple when you look at it. No rocket science there. We thrive with the right men, we flourish and grow with the right man.

My mother groomed me from a very small age to be a 'wife', and I have applied that to being submissive. I need a man. I was groomed to be with a man. I don't need to "take" care of a man, I need a man for all the wonderful reasons a submissive woman needs a man. I don't need a man who needs to be taken care of like one of my children.

I need a good massage, one of those deep massages with oil and nice strong hands. I have a problem with my back and I need a massage. I over extended and need a massage.

I normally use middle of the week musings to talk about things that have happened during the week, and to point out to myself all the revelations that came to be in the previous week. So today I am going over in my head all the things that I have been thinking about.

Okay, not all of them. I can't give away some of my secrets, otherwise I wouldn't have any left for myself. Those dark secrets that you keep to yourself, and don't really want to share them with anyone, because they are special and we all need secrets.

The fields behind my house are coming down and that makes me sad. It means winter is close at hand.

I hate winter. I would rather be someplace warm during those cold Illinois winter months.

I need to quit smoking.

Time to put away my flip-flops and get out the winter shoes.

I hate shoes. I like the feeling of bare feet.

Did I mention how much I hate winter?

I hope you have a good rest of the week, and I hope you have something to look forward to on the weekend.

Oh well, as I always say,

Life goes on.........