The Bastard. May you rest in peace Darling.

May you always rest in peace, Darling.

He passed away on May 16th, 2010.

For many of you who knew me in a previous life, I was with the man I called, "The Bastard". Well that is what I called him. So let me refresh your memory and mine too. I think that I need some good memories and looking at him was always such fun. When he wore his leather pants, yummy! I used to have a blog of our life together, well my life before I met him and then the past two years of our life together. I am sure some of you will remember, and those who are new to this, welcome.

I miss him so much. He was such a part of my life, helping me through difficult times, helping me tear down walls that I had up, and no way do I want to deify him, I just want to remember him as it was. It wasn't always wonderful and if I said that I would be lying, but we did have some wonderful times. Although with the tough time, we had glorious times. And I will always remember him in those leather pants.

It is hard to let go when there is no closure, it is hard to say goodbye when it happens so suddenly there is no warning. He was 48 years old and he died very quick of a heart attack. I suppose I should be happy that he did not suffer, and I am thankful for that. But I am not thankful he had to go at all. He was buried with full military honors. He served the Air Force for over 21 years. And it was beautiful as funerals go. I was never so touched in my life in that way. When handed the flag tears rolled down my face, but with an honor of being his wife and being allowed to have those moments of his glory. Of his serving our Country.

I know that time will ease some of the grief and I am thankful for friends, and family that have helped me through this dark time. I am thankful that I have wonderful children that love me unconditionally and are there, that we are there for one another. I am thankful for the life that I was allowed to share with him.

And if there was one thing I could tell him, it would be......it would have been, 'I love you back."

He would always say, "I love you to the moon and back my girl." And I would always reply with, "I love you back." That is what I put in his casket, a white pillow shaped like a heart with one single rose and that saying. It was buried with him, and I was presented with his flag that draped his casket. He took the love with him, and I kept his with me.

I am healing. I am moving on with life. Not in the normal sense, but in the sense that I know he would want me to be happy. He would want me to see him as he was for me, and to me. He would want me to laugh, and he would tell me to get up and get going for......

Life goes on...........