Can a broken heart really be mended? I sit here and wonder if that is possible. It has almost been three months since he has passed away and I feel like my heart is mending, although just a little but can it truly be. It feels as if there are band-aids put in places but that the fluids of happiness seep out as if they will never return. I miss him. I still hate sleeping alone in this great big bed, I still miss his smell, I still miss all the silly things we shared, and I still am not ready to face the world without him. I have heard every cliche I think ever invented, and I have heard just about everyday the question, "How are you?" til I feel as if I am going to tear out all my hair and scream!
I fill my hours with mindless chores, painting the walls, unpacking, sorting, organizing, and all those meaningless chores only to do them over and over, and over. Watch mindless TV, meaningless conversations with myself, only to still sleep alone at night. Am I ever going to get used to being a widow, will the pain ever go away. Will it at least cease to some degree and give me back some sense of normal. Not that I was normal before, that is just something that never really happened to me. Normal that is. But I want my old life back. I want him back. I want to jump up and down and have my own way.
I have been back and forth to this blog thinking I should write down some of my feelings, but then again when I come here, all I can think about it what to write. Should I appease the readers, or should I appease me. I think I will just worry about me for now and write the mad ramblings. If they don't make sense, who am I to care. I know what they mean and I want my heart to stop hurting. I want my life to come to some sense of realism. Some sense of not being so damned sad all the time. I was asked by a friend how my summer was going, and I wanted to reply, "Horrid, how do you think." But I smiled and said nothing. Which is better in the end, I should have probably told him how it was really going. But would he have truly cared. Who knows.
I am having a pity party and I know it. I just can't stop it. Nor do I really want to, yet. I am not ready. I miss him and here I am with...........
Life goes on...................
2 comments:
Appease yourself, always. This is YOUR space... we are only visitors here. Lord knows too much of life is spent worrying what others think! Here, you don't have to worry; you just write and tell us in here what you want to, and tell yourself what you need to.
We'll be here anyway. :)
~~~Syd
Thank you Darlin', I think I may have needed some type of validation to go forth. To go forward and living life without him. To have the go ahead and say the words that are etched inside of me, begging to come outside. And not worry about the protocols of being a widow.
It is nice to have family and friends who can accept me for who I am and not what they perceive me to be.
Thank you for your understanding.
xoxo
Laurie
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